odyssey's Journal, 16 September 2010

I feel smothered, cornered, impotent, frustrated. I just play at being mature. I'm forty-two and feel like a lost little
girl inside, one no one ever bothered looking for, much less saving. Being disabled, being overwhelmed, being poor, being
dependent on another who cares little or nothing about your opinions, thoughts, feelings is demoralizing, draining, so
frustrating. I'm so sad. I know exactly what I need to get out of this situation and no way to get it.

We've done without for so long. I'm up nights worrying how my son is going to get long pants and long sleeved shirts
for the fall and winter. I'm so angry and disappointed and frustrated with my mother I could literally spontaneously
combust from the chest/stomach outward from the well of frustration and heat I feel there when I think of what
she does. I have mostly forgiven her for the way she raised me(and my uncle). I've often chocked it up to how badly I
feel for her for all of the pain she went through when she was younger and when I was a baby. I've given her the
benefit of the doubt because of her losses and because she didn't know any better when I was growing up and maybe by the time she realized what she was doing to me it was too late to change.

But .. now .. she knows, truly KNOWS how bad certain things are for my son and ****** she will NOT stop giving them
to him. And because I am disabled and overwhelmed and poor and dependent on her help because of the condition of
part of this house, I cannot cut him off from being at her house. How can someone who loves a person so much,
consciously make decisions about his life that will make his whole life so much harder for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need money. I need money to get out of this horrid horrid house and into a home where my son can have a real bath
and his own room and walk around bare foot anywhere in it and have a nice place to play. I need money to get this
awful house clean and give it back to the landlords. I need money to get clothing for my son. I need money so I can
have more than the two shirts and two pairs of pants I can wear. I need money so I can have a pair of sneakers - the
only shoes I have to wear out are a pair of poolside-type slip-on sandals.

I've called vocational rehab and asked them to help me get work from home since there is no way I could work outside
the home now. They said if I went back to work I would lose my medicaid and I am on eleven different medications
and would have no way of affording them if I did not have medicaid.

I'm ready for my miracle. I think it will have to be money. I can't see a way around that. But whatever God has planned for me, I pray for my son's sake it is soon in our time. It tears me apart that he doesn't have the life he deserves.

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2541 kcal

Fat: 162.80g | Prot: 215.34g | Carb: 38.69g.   Breakfast: grilled chicken breast , splenda, Ultra-Pasteurized Heavy Whipping Cream, folgers coffee. Lunch: Nacho Salad. Dinner: Skillet Cheeseburger. Snacks/Other: Skillet Cheeseburger, water, ice. more...

5525 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...