08willbegreat's Journal, 24 July 2008

You bring up many important points that I am sure trigger many of us and I expect yuo will hear from others shortly. I want to address one thing that occurs to me-this is not trivial, prejudice and judgment based on physical appearance are very real and very damaging especially when one has been subjected to it from childhood. Your pain is a normal reaction to what amounts to cruelty (even though it is probably unintended). I want to let you know I honor your struggle and the fact that you have made real positive change. I find that sometimes the people we are closest too have the hardest time adjusting to the changes in us... Hang in there! 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I have found that family, bless their hearts, has a way of wounding you in ways you could never imagine, and in ways thay your friends (aka family-of-choice) never would. I think that the familiarity of families breeds a sense of entitlement that gives it's members a propensity for verbal vomit. DO NOT LISTEN TO COMMENTS FROM FAMILY MEMBERS THAT RESONATE WITH YOU AS UNTRUE AND NEGATIVE. I have to remind myself all the time that my family is simply a group of people that I ended up with, but wouldn't necessarily choose if left to my own devices. I love my family a lot, and we usually get along, but they still make comments and say things that I wouldn't hear and/or tolerate from other people. As far as guys are concerned, well, yes, some of them are shallow, but those are the ones you wouldn't want paying attention to you anyways. Sometimes I think that my fat has done the job of weeding out the a-holes for me. But, just because some are shallow, do not give up hope. I am currently engaged to a gorgeous, blue-eyed, curly blonde haired, tan skinned Adonis. He really is hot (I've heard from other people that he is, so it's not just my biased opinion) and he loves me just the way I am. Yes, I am trying to lose weight, but not because he wants me to, and he truly values me for my brains, personality, spirit and beauty. Do not give up hope, and do not question your friends--the right man just hasn't come along for you, and I'm grateful that I haven't had to put up with all the BS that my skinny friends have had to in order to get to the love of my life. 

Agree with all of the above. Yes, there are shallow men out there but, there are just as many who are not. Your sister has issues with weight and she IS shallow. Don't let her undo all the positive feelings you have about your body and weight. You've worked so hard and deserve praise, not that bs. Hope you're feeling better today. 

Family can be hurtful can't they. I find that most of the time, they have absolutely no idea that what they are saying is so hurtful. My brother is a perfect example of this. He will say a compliment and a hurtful statement all in the same sentence. Its like...ummm why did you have to add all that other stuff to it? why not just stop at, wow you look great, look at all the weight you lost (he also says comments to his size 4 wife meant in a good way, but doesn't sound like it!). I think that goes along the lines of family, or someone close to you saying something to you, harsh or not, because they know you love them, and they believe what they are saying is meant to be contructive, not decontructive. Are all men shallow? No, I don't think they are...although I do know some that are! hahah I do believe in the power of attraction, and like with men, women also aren't attracted to everyone, thats what makes the world go round. I have a gorgeous, stunning friend, 110 pounds soaking wet who can't seem to find a guy...then I have a girlfriend who I consider to be one of the most beautiful women I know, such a gorgeous face, and bubbly personality, she is over 300 pounds, and she also can't find someone. Fit or heavy, doesn't matter, you are attracted to who you are. Try not to let her comments get to you, realize that she probably meant it as a compliment and took it too far with how she was expressing it. You are beautiful, no matter what size you are, and you will find that person who will make you feel beautiful, no matter what. Try to have a better day! Oh...and crying...is a good release..sooo cry away! =)  

I'm sorry this brought up so much emotion for you. I know there are lots of guys who are shallow about looks, and lots of guys who aren't. Same for us girls! One thing I've noticed about myself. When I was younger and fat, I was very self-conscious - walked with my head down, didn't smile at strangers. I was embarrassed of myself. Forget the fat, who would be attracted to that attitude? Over the years I've come to love myself no matter what my size, and I walk with my head held high, I smile at everyone and I'd like to think I radiate self confidence and acceptance of myself. It makes a huge difference in how others treat me. So, I think it's not ALWAYS weight that is what puts people off. It's attitude. Now, I'm not saying this has ANYTHING to do with you, 08willbegreat, it's just something I wanted to share. I think you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Shake off the sadness and show the world your wonderful self!!!  

I can just about feel your pain right now. Family can be down right harsh. And not even know it. All our lives we are taught to be nice and respectful to everyone else, but forget to also be to our family. Friends, will tell you how it is when it is necessary. But mostly friends will keep each other motivated, happy, and loved. Thank God for friends! But when it comes down to it, screw everyone else. (I don't mean that in a bad way) You need to feel good about yourself first! That was something that took me a long time to do. Just like amryk said, she has come to love herself no matter what her size and walks around with her head held high! That's very important. Hard to do sometimes, but important. When you seem more confidant, people view you as more approchable, and easier to talk with. When I started with my new confidance and attitude, is when I met my husband. After seven years of marriage, we both gained weight, but also are taking it off together. But guys............a lot of them are pigs. NOT ALL GUYS.........I don't need any guys reading this to get mad at me. My beautiful, skinny, friends from high school, and college had a hard time keeping a guy, because all they (the guys) were after were their looks and body. After that, what do you have? A relationship going nowhere. Most of my beautiful, skinny friends are still single to this day. 15 years after high school. 08willbegreat, you have done some amazing work since you have joined this site. Look how much you have lost. Doesn't that make you feel great? You did it! And you are continuing to do it! That is what makes you awesome. Be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself first!!! And it is also good to cry. I should know. I'm the biggest cry baby I know! LOL!!! Better to get it out than leaving it in to make you feel bad. Keep up with the great work you are doing. We all love you. And that's no BS! 

I'm sorry that her comments hurt you. Family seems to know the raw buttons to push that get at our most vulnerable places. I think you look HOT in your new profile pic and I am so happy about your success. No not all men are shallow, because we see many happy loving couples in all shapes and sizes. We are choosing to be a healthier, more energetic, lively shape because it is who we want to be...but it doesn't change who we are. Chin up. You are amazing, inside and out. 

wow.....i can't believe your sister would say that to you. it's very obviously hurtful! sometimes your weight loss triggers things in other people, an insecurity maybe a vulnerability, and they lash out. personally, i would be very honest to my sister and talk about that one specific incident without getting entrenched in past history. as for men being pigs...i have never believed that as i have 2 wonderful brothers. one is in albania right now doing volunteer work! let's just hope that all the man-pigs get matched up with girls who have similar attributes. then we won't have to deal with them! 

ps: any guy who has rejected you because of your weight isn't worth having. 

I love my brothers and sister to death...but Holy God, in so many areas, they are the last people I would listen to or go to for advice. What is often meant as something good can somehow get lost in translation and come out as a load of junk. There are some self evident truths 08 and one of them is that the more you love yourself, your own 'innards', the more your eyes will be opened to all the other wonderful people (including men) who share that view. Of all the millions of men out there...yep half of them are only operating from the neck down... tons more are just dopey...but millions more are the type that would love you (or anyone) for YOU... because of the mannerisms and the giggle and the intelligence and the personality.... just because something is said, it does not make it true... stick to your course me darlin' and turn those thingy's into tears of joy...ok!