befree's Journal, 16 June 2008

Well I wished I would have read everyone's words of support before I went to my grandma's last night for a family dinner.

I was pretty hungry and those stupid thoughts came crashing in as I was helping myself to dinner and desserts (firsts and seconds on both accounts). Thoughts that I wasn't going to make it, that I should just eat what I want because fighting it would be just too hard, that I will always be fat, blah, blah, blah.

I guess 'giving in' to those thoughts all the time is how I got here - 300+ lbs. I can't even imagine how many calories I used to eat when I just didn't care. I am grateful for the food diary here as I can really see how all the food added up last night.

I am not sure how I ended being so hard on myself. It is a common theme in all areas of my life - and has been for awhile. Mostly, I end up quitting everything because I think I can't do it well enough, fast enough, good enough, etc.

I need to trust in this process more and mistrust myself less (I am not sure if that makes much sense).

We are having a weight loss competition at work and it is what catipulted me into trying to lose weight again. However, I think the competition is also really affecting my expectations.

But then as I write this journal that stupid voice comes in and says "who are you kidding, at 300 lbs you should be losing twice as much as everyone else". Just shut up!!!

Maybe I can't keep up with everyone else, but why give up? Just because I may not be the best, doesn't mean I don't matter.

I've gotta run. Thanks for all your words of support. They really do mean alot. Thinking about comments - I realize I don't comment on others journals alot because I think my comment won't be good enough, aaaaagggghhhhh! I can't get away from this voice.

Have a great day!

Diet Calendar Entries for 16 June 2008:
1164 kcal Fat: 35.52g | Prot: 125.17g | Carb: 86.92g.   Breakfast: egg substitute, shredded cheddar cheese, mushrooms. Lunch: lean cuisine thai chicken w/b rice, strawberries. Dinner: chicken breast boneless, broccoli, shake bake italian. Snacks/Other: tuna lemon pepper, mayo, fat free ham, cheese string, rye bread, crystal liveactive, v8. more...
3952 kcal Activities & Exercise: Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 30 minutes, Circuit Training - 30 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours, Resting - 7 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...


LOVE YOURSELF!! You DESERVE IT! Shut that little demon voice up and say in front of the mirror: I love myself, I deserve to be healthy at whatever rate I can get my body to get there, I WILL DO IT. Having the competition around at work is a real blessing! That reminder to make good choices even at work, that is great! So you didn't do amazingly at grandmas, so what? What can you do about it now? Nothing? That's right! =D So why fret about it now.. it'll cause you to lose less weight by fretting over it. Chin UP! Be PROUD of what you have lost so far! KNOW that you can do it and lose more and more until you are at a healthy weight! YOU CAN DO IT!! KICK IT UP, GIRL!! :) 
16 Jun 08 by member: bullytrouble
Thanks Bully. 
16 Jun 08 by member: befree
These self defeating patterns are so difficult to break out of, but you have got to just completely get out of the mind set that things aren't worth doing unless we can do them perfectly. That's a lot of pressure! Perfectionism is such a difficult handicap to have. I know this, I've tripped up more than once i life because of perfectionism. The more I think about people I admire in this world, I realize that being the best or perfect is not the key to success. It's the determination not to quit that eventually determines how successful you're going to be. I so admire the people who can have a dream and just out of sheer determination make it come true. Especially if they meet challenges and make it through. These are the real heros. This is what I'm striving for. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. Tomorrow, just set yourself the challenge to make it through the day. Because you know you're worth it, and you know you can do it. And you're not destined to be fat. You've made the choice to change the path, and day by day, hour by hour, you are making that change. Family situations involving food are very difficult for you, well you knew that! What are you going to do next time you have a family gathering? Eat two apples on the way there and drink a large glass of water upon arrival. That's what.  
16 Jun 08 by member: fraise


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