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Heading in for a weigh-in today and I'm painfully aware this has not been another 4 lb week. I think maybe I've lost 2 lbs? We'll see I guess.
So one thing that is different this time is that I'm keeping connected with my expectations around the "end goal." To this end, I take a quiet moment each day (usually before I fall asleep) to visualize what it will be like to be at my thinness goal. Having lost a lot of weight before, I recall feeling a continued sense of longing even after the weight was gone. Longing, or maybe, restlessness? For as pleased as I was about the loss there was still something disconnected in the way that I felt in my own skin. Put another way, I think I still felt large and awkward despite my small size.
I'm aware that more general types of dissatisfaction will survive the weight loss. I realize that being small again doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure what to do with the rest of my life, or other gnawing concerns (like, how can we make enough money for my husband to retire soon too?). But for now this is at least a healthy change to obsess over and award me with a sense of weekly accomplishment. Mostly, I think about this question: Once I've lost the weight, what then? All the reasons that drive me to overeat will still be there, so what will counteract them? So far, the next paragraph captures most of my list.
Foremost, it will be much easier to lift and carry my son. Right now I'm ashamed to hand him off after 10 minutes because my back is killing me already. Also, I'll be able to spend an hour in Home Depot without wanting to collapse in a chair with aching, unworking legs. I'll enjoy running again, as opposed to struggling through it, with misery. And yes, I'll allow people to photograph me without feeling mortified or downright resentful. And maybe I won't so desperately avoid going to the doctor. This, of course, due to the weighing portion of each visit. I sweat just thinking about those first horrifying moments; clenching with dread that today it will be a super skinny--or worse yet, male--nurse. Also, I'll be able to wear jeans without constantly feeling pinched or doing the ever-so-ladylike adjusting-pulling-tugging dance to make them fit again each time I stand up. I'll enjoy seeing friends and family, released from the distraction of worrying what they think of my neglected appearance. But the thing I like to visualize most lately is how, around March or so, I will walk into Cicada Bridal in downtown Seattle and try on any dress I please for my wedding next Fall. We eloped for our civil ceremoy, so this event is the big wedding which includes our family and friends. Also, my husband promises a trip to Spain for shopping the instant I reach my goal. I love travel and beautiful clothes so this is a great motivator. I hope it's not like when I went to Argentina -- I couldn't fit into any clothes there--I'm pretty sure women are required by law to be size two. And in any of the shops, if you casually grab a hanging garment for a closer look, the ever-so-vigilant saleswoman will run over to make sure you know that's not your size. You see, they have to sell everything they display, so they're very afraid people ruin stuff trying it on. So every shop you wander into they will watch like hawks under the guise of "assistance" and only let you try things on if they approve you'll be able to fit it. Avoiding these humiliating encounters left me trying on a lot of...shoes.
Anyway, I have to say, most of all I'm motivated for my husband. He's been so wonderful! I've gained so much weight in the past year and he has never uttered a word or made me feel anything but beautiful. He even eats Jenny Craig with me sometimes. He's making it possible for me to stay home with my son every day and really think about what I'd like to do next, professionally speaking. He deserves a healthy, vibrant partner who also looks great at the company Christmas party:)
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