madaboutmoose's Journal, 28 November 2012

Good Wednesday Morning.

First I must ask those of you who are also friends with me on FACEBOOK ... PLEASE do not comment or ask me any questions about my husband there. He is a very private man and would be upset with my discussing his health in a public forum.

It is a good thing that I went yesterday. Visits with the doc have been pretty non-eventful for a while. Those of you who have been around a while will remember that she told us he was "cancer-free" sometime after the radiation had ceased. (I never fully believed her). His PSA has been within an acceptable range and we've been feeling pretty confident about his recovery.

Yesterday's visit began with the Doc sitting down in the room and saying "I'm sorry but I have bad news for you today." His PSA jumped from 1.1 to 3.2 over the past 3 months. She says it is an indicator that his prostate cancer has metastasized to his bones (I guess where prostate cancer travels when it leaves the prostate). No "cure" telling us it will be like managing a chronic illness such as diabetes. Options? Go back on the hormone suppressant shots and see if the PSA drops again. If so ... stay on those the rest of his life or as long as it keeps his PSA low. Chemotherapy was mentioned but my husband will not opt for that. If his cancer becomes hormone resistant (i.e. his PSA climbs even with the shots) then he might become eligible for a new drug named Provence. Each dose of Provence costs $50,000.00. Doc said, no worries the insurance company will pay for it. Well ... in my plan they pay 80% we pay 20% ... so our copay would be 10 grand per dose? Right.

You know how it is ... you are in shock, not sure I remember everything she said. I remember hearing 10 years but can't remember what that was in reference too. I know she said it is typically slow growing and doesn't act like regular bone cancer because it is secondary to prostate cancer.

I'm emotionally exhausted this morning and reeling from the news. He doesn't want to tell the kids yet so we won't. He has an appointment in February ... they will check his numbers again and we'll make a decision about the next step then based on what his numbers are.

I need to learn more about the topic. I tried to read some last night off websites but was too overwhelmed with emotion. I have a former colleague I may contact. Her husband was diagnosed shortly before mine and maybe he and she can help me sort through some of my questions.

I know life is tenuous at best. One of us will die eventually. Still, I am in shock. The news means our "life" ... will not get better with time. The shots chemically castrate a man. No testosterone. Y'all know what that means. It also means weight gain, no energy, decrease in strength and stamina, hot flashes and potentially "man boobs."

And so ... of course I find myself thinking ... what the hell is the point of me losing weight, I want to dive into a vat of chocolate and swim about, drinking it in as I please. I know that now more than ever self care is called for so of course I can't "give up." I also know life goes on and I will find balance, a way to live with this. Just not too gracefully this morning.

Thanks for listening. Thank you for respecting my boundaries Facebook friends, by not mentioning any of this there.

Take care of yourselves.

Moose

---

1557 kcal

Fat: 59.95g | Prot: 119.17g | Carb: 130.72g.   Breakfast: Egg & Cheese McMuffin. Lunch: Cottage Cheese (Lowfat 2% Milkfat) , Pico De Gallo (Mild), Boiled Egg, Chicken Breast Meat (Broilers or Fryers) . Dinner: Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast, Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast, Boiled Egg, 3 Cheese Mexicana Shredded Cheese, Original Iceberg Garden Salad (Zip), Yogurt Ranch with Kefir, Simple Favorites Swedish Meatballs with Pasta. Snacks/Other: Nutri-Grain Cereal Bar - Apple Cinnamon, Honey Wheat Braided Twists Pretzels, Chocolate Caramel Coffee Creamer. more...

3029 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Driving - 1 hour, Resting - 7 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 8 hours. more...