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Normally I don't journal this long, but here I am and I am angry!!! My extra coat is half off, yep half off!!!; and I am not stuck! Been stuck in the same eight pound cycle for about two and a half to three months. Oh oh oh....so mad. I swear I am doing it all right. Drinking water, and having to pee so much I am counting it as part of my walking and squats for the day. Working out, and hard. And doing good on food. Okay, not perfect on food but good on food. And yet I bounce between the low part of the eight to the high part of the eight. Damn it!! So I now find myself at the point where I'd normally toss in the towel and say "what the heck" it isn't working so why do I try so hard????? This is a scary spot for me, because this time it feels different. This time it feels like if I can just hang on until I get out of this loop that I well be charging into the second half of the weight I have to loose. I just have to hang on. Hang on and on and on........
To that note yesterday I met one-on-one with the behaviorist that is part of the program I am doing. We spoke for about 40min to try and get to why I am now doing my normal self sabotage. Of course there were all the try this, or what about this, or read this to learn what your thinking. I felt myself getting tenser and tenser, trying so hard not to cry. To me she just didn't get it. Sure all the self-help stuff is great, and some great articles to read; but I needed to know how to fix it right now. How to be able to slide this extra coat off a bit more, undo one more button, maybe take out an arm to feel the wind on it. In my head I was screaming "FIX ME....JUST FIX IT!!!....DONT' ANALYZE ME FIX ME....YOU FIX ME I DON'T WANT TO FIX MYSELF I CAN'T...FIX ME!!!" She was not listening, she was just going along with her information and asking me what I thought was wrong. Then I felt it bubbling, or should I say churning, to the top. I felt the tears start, the closing of my throat, the titch on my hands, the twisting of my fingers as it pushed it's way to the top. When I couldn't hold it in any more I screamed: I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!! Yes true mean blatant unbridled anger. From the depths of my being it came rushing out spewing all over filling the room with my rage and disappointment. Circling me with all the self doubt and self deprecation that eats away at the need to loose this extra coat, this extra layer of (yes!) fat that I carry around. All the harsh words that you normally just say to yourself about the failure of what ever plan you're working and the (false) realization that sitting on the couch eating is doing as much as you busting your butt and watching what you eat. Poking your saying "What's the point???? You're kicking ass, but noting is happening, so why bother?" As ugly as it was it was out. I was so angry, and it was out. Crying, raising my voice, clenching my fists, and speaking through clenched jaw; I was mad. All the while I couldn't look at her I was embarrassed by my lack of control, and of course by my anger. When I finally stopped and took a breath, she spoke: "So good, your angry. I think we finally got to the root of the issue" I just stared at her and realized I was tired. So tired of the work, of the sweat, the measuring, the counting, the cutting of veggies, the healthy choices; I was tired.
In reponce to my letting go of the true feeling that had been so tightly locked inside her question was: "What happened to make you so mad over the weekend?" Of course the answer was an automatic "nothing", I'm just mad about not having success. To which she said: "Really?" I was to drained to fight that question that I actually sat and thought about it. And yes I was angry over something that happened over the weekend. It had made me feel unappreciated, ugly, and non desirable. Of course the event that occurred had nothing really to do with any of that, just bad timing and lack of communication. But it triggered all the pity and self doubt that I have; and have had most of my life. I am getting better and believing that I am worthy of this new life without the extra coat, but at that point they over ran any logical thoughts. It felt good to get to an answer. Even it was just an answer for the uncontrolled weekend of eating, but it was a start. Knowing that my anger is real, and is not something to be ignored or belittled, will help me to now read the information she gave me. Help me listen to what logical things she has to say, and apply them to me. And of course to learn that just because things don't work out does not mean that it is because you're at fault. Nor is it because you're ugly and not skinny enough. It is just because it did not work out. And it is okay to be angry. It is hard work and you will get tired. The trick is to believe that you're worthy of the payoff. I am worthy of being my ideal weight!! I am worthy of flirty glances from strangers and lust filled looks from my husband. I am worthy......I will say it over and over....even through angrily clenched teeth if I have too!!
I will take this revelation forward with me. I will use it to hold on, and on, and on till I get out of this eight pound cycle and start moving down again. I will keep working out, and eating right. I will. I have too. I will not waste again waste my life hiding in this extra coat. So here is to the new week, the new focus, and the new determination to get going again. I think I might loosen another button soon!!!!
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