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(Warning: graphic)
It’s the day after my binges, and I’m keeping my intake minimal. Fresh fruit, a little dried fruit, milk. Lots of water. I had a pancake this morning when I made them for my family. I stepped on my scale before my first cup of coffee and it read 199. That’s over 4 pounds gained in 4 days, which is probably water. I don’t feel shocked, I don’t feel a sense of despair when seeing this number. I understand the science behind it. I always had a post-binge ritual that included a several day fast, coupled with grueling workouts and all of the laxatives, enemas and suppositories I could afford. I would then weigh myself before and after every void. My addiction to food spanned out to over-exercising, throwing up, weighing myself, and laxative abuse. I had weekly potassium testing conducted at the order of my physician, to monitor my assessed risk for heart failure. I had muscle pain and I had GI pain constantly. I talked a psychiatrist into prescribing me 90 milligrams of extended release Adderall - an ADHD medication made from amphetamines with the sole purpose of curbing my binge eating. It didn’t work. I did develop a nasty dependence on the stuff, however. And I’m proud to say it’s been 6 years clean off speed as well. I eventually stopped filling my prescriptions for the stuff because I knew where I was headed. I also gave up my benzodiazepines at that time, which I had been using to come down from the amphetamines. I discontinued the use of over ten prescription medicines in the course of a summer. It was too much to manage anymore, and I was exhausted.
Giving up behaviors is so much more complicated than the drugs. How am I to abstain from binge eating? I couldn’t figure it out. I was told that I had to consistently abstain from purging behavior: the exercise, the vomiting, the laxatives. I had to “sit with “ my binge. Those same professionals held me accountable for puking “secretly “ into bedsheets and stuffing them into the laundry. They helped me return to the table if I got to a place that I was overwhelmed and needed a break. They helped me to make balanced food choices and then they kept all bathrooms locked for 60 minutes after eating. They provided me with weighted blankets, with paper to journal, with ice water to hydrate. I was unlovable, I was an angry tyrant. I did not dwell in reality, rather I lived an insane life alone with my disease.
Over 2 dozen inpatient psychiatric stays in more than 4 facilities over the course of 8 years and I eventually found the motivation to put into practice everything I had learned in treatment. I beat the odds. I toppled statistics. I recovered from a life threatening mental illness and I continue to do so today.
8 years ago I was not far from being a candidate for a colostomy bag due to my laxative abuse. I had spent all of my college savings on binge food, and had passed out from purging in public restrooms on several occasions. I have to get my body back on track from my binge eating over the last few days, but I’m not having to heal from all of the other insane things I used to do.
The bench weight will come off over the next few days. And this won’t be the last time that I journal about binge eating. I remember it was a shock to find out that it was normal to over eat, and then everyone on occasion binges. But as a person in recovery from a serious eating disorder, I have to really pay attention to the Why’s and what now’s of those binges. Relapsing is not an option for me.
No torture for me. No punishment. Just amplified self love and care. Increased awareness of what emotional issues are lurking that I need to address without abusing food. That’s just using another “drug” and it doesn’t fix anything.
Diet Calendar Entry for 18 May 2019:
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2157 kcal
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Fat: 52.17g | Prot: 85.97g | Carb: 351.19g.
Breakfast: Trader Joe's Danish Pancakes, 2% Fat Milk. Lunch: Baked or Broiled Fish, Cooked Cauliflower (Fat Not Added in Cooking), California Sun-Dried Raisins, Pure Heart Seedless Watermelon. Dinner: Cheese Pizza. Snacks/Other: English Muffin, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Light Vegetable Oil Spread, Seedless Watermelon, Fudge Dipped Chocolate Chip Chewy Granola Bar (32g). more...
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 Comments
Great journal! Perhaps you could plan a date that you will come back and re-read this? Your future self may pull out additional value from this? - - As far as the 'subject' covered. For me the solution is always digging deeper into 'humility'. I strive to not be angry when things don't go the way I want them to. Why should I get anything? Why am I not always happy for anything I receive at this moment? - - "Not being Obese again" is my 'thing' right now. However, I know the truth is that I don't 'deserve' to not be obese. I am just 'blessed' to not be obese right now. However, I am only an injury away from not being able to do the heavy weightlifting and running that has so far kept it from happening so far...
18 May 19 by member: adefwebserver
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It takes strength to share, but your journey may just help someone else who is currently on a similar path. I too have suffered with binging and purging to the point where I could no longer purge, it was like my gag reflex was gone...gross I know. I am glad you are in a better place. Just remember, as you see the scale going up that is healthy with pregnancy and vital to having a healthy baby. So true that binge eating is just another drug...an addiction that we use to "stuff" down those emotions we don't want to feel. So glad you are able to share and get those emotions out in a healthy way. You are strong and using the tools you have learned to avoid relapse. You should be very proud of yourself right now.
18 May 19 by member: shiny50
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You are very strong and working so hard at being self-aware. The end of your marriage seemed rather abrupt and, as with the end of most marriages, sad, but it seems apparent now that you gave yourself a lifeline to the life you want, deserve, and have worked hard for by refusing to remain in a relationship with someone succumbing to his own addictions, even though you loved him and even though he was and is your child's father. That demonstrated some strong self-preservation skills. You have evolved greatly in life, and I wish you continued success and much happiness! 💕
18 May 19 by member: kpwcalories
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I love this! I'm sorry you went through it- but you are an overcomer! Incredible! You always keep it real!
18 May 19 by member: davidsprincess
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My heart is aching. Kay you are amazing. So brave. May I ask why you are binging. Just curious. You don’t have to tell me. I shouldn’t even ask. I know next to zero about Ed and I’d like to learn more. You don’t have to tell me why, I’m just curious if you know what triggers it and what you could do to curve it? I probably sound stupid or insensitive. Sorry. I don’t mean to be. Just so curious to understand how this occurs and unfolds.
18 May 19 by member: wifey9707
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I'd never read a first-person account of a binge-and-purge eating disorder combined with prescription abuse before this. It does sound like torture. KayBuckaroo, that you have been able to fight back from that precipice is a miracle. May God bless you and your family!
18 May 19 by member: Miraculum
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