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I don't know what happened to that Carol Flaxseed mentioned yesterday. She's disappeared!!! Perhaps she has been abducted by aliens!!!
Everyday seems to bring me a new "excuse" to not eat well. You all know that isn't true. I've just been in a long term funk. The weather, the road, this and that ... menopause, hot flashes, finances ... you name it I've been struggling with it lately.
This morning it was waking to a major migraine which caused me to stay home in bed instead of going to work. Fortunately it has passed and I feel better now.
Every morning I WANT to exercise but am really struggling with having the time. Forced carpooling EVERYDAY with hubby means we must be out of here by 6 am. The forced carpooling has occurred, for those of you who may have missed it, by a HUGE hole in our road caused by the strange winter we have had which means we cannot drive to our house. We have one vehicle on the far side of the hole so we park and walk in every day. It isn't too far but still it is majorly inconvenient to say the least. So ... it has been almost a week since I've exercised.
I need to bite the bullet and weigh. I know I'm over 200. I can feel it. I find myself thinking about crash dieting. I hear the ads for the HCG diet and I want to run down and buy it.
I know this will pass and I'll be okay. Today, other than the migraine and lack of exercise, has been good so far. If I can get a few days under my belt again I'll be better.
Oh ... the other thing is I am supposed to go to California for a weekend to see my mom and aunt. My aunt is my age. She is a tiny petite little thing and I've always felt like a fat, uncoordinated, oaf around her. I wanted to feel better in my body when I saw her. Right now I feel like crap. I don't want to go. That probably sounds shallow and ridiculous but that is how I feel. I can't wear a lot of my clothes ... my cute ones. AND ... 4 days out of town will mean 4 days of eating "off plan" no matter how much I say I won't I know I will. Maybe I should just decide NOT to go and be done with it.
It isn't a good time to go anyway with our road being blocked. Hub would have to drive me to the airport and pick me up, taking a couple of days off work in order to do so since the airport is so darn far from our house (2.5 hours one way!!!).
I feel like a complete failure. Part of this must be hormones though cause this isn't really me. I have not felt this crappy in a long, long time. Sorry I'm not my cheery, positive self. Maybe it's better if I don't journal.
Diet Calendar Entry for 28 March 2012:
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1188 kcal
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Fat: 55.78g | Prot: 135.63g | Carb: 42.66g.
Lunch: Boiled Egg, Pico De Gallo (Mild), Chicken Breast Meat (Broilers or Fryers) , Cottage Cheese (Lowfat 2% Milkfat) . Dinner: Reduced Fat Mexican 4 Cheese Shredded Cheese, Black Forrest Ham, boneless chicken breast, Original Iceberg Garden Salad (Zip), Litehouse Chunky Bleu Cheese Dressing. Snacks/Other: Low Fat Ice Cream Bars - Chocolate Truffle, Litehouse Bleu cheese dressing, black forrest ham, boneless chicken breast. more...
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 Comments
Carol you need to journal..it helps to vent no matter what..I wish I could be right there with you and give you the biggest hug you have ever had...I think you should go and enjoy the visit..it will do you
good to get out of Dodge...it always does me...:O)
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Thanks Bren. I just cancelled my airfare. It just isn't a good time to go. Now I can seriously kick some butt and get these pounds off my body!!
28 Mar 12 by member: madaboutmoose
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Now that totally doesn't sound like you -- pass up a chance to visit with your mom? Not travel to a place where snow is something you read about in books? Ah, my sweet Carol. You're torturing yourself. You need to be kind to you. I'm with Bren. Can you feel a hug that tarts out in Virginia and heads up to NYC and then out west to N. Idaho? It's coming your way, buddy.
28 Mar 12 by member: Helewis
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Maybe the stress of going was really messing with your head..sometimes
we just have to do what is best for us..and I will back you up no matter what your decision..Love ya girl...HUGS...
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nothing to add as I'm in my own self-inflicted spiral - but lots of hugs. thinking of you.
28 Mar 12 by member: Z'sMama
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This place is all about sharing the good, the bad and the ugly...Of course you should journal...It's REAL, it's HONEST. I can only remind you, "this too shall pass".
28 Mar 12 by member: doit2it
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I can completely relate to you not wanting to go see your aunt, when you don't feel "fit" for it. We've all been there, I think.
As you're kinda hinting, you don't really have any REAL reasons to stall your weight loss journey. I think you're suffering a little from your funk and this little thing called "excuses". Trust me, I've been there. However, nobody has tied you to a tree and force fed you, have they? :) Hot flashes, menopause, busy days and what have you don't really prevent us from doing right. It just makes it more difficult. This comment might be harsh to read, I understand that, but sometimes we really need to hear it from someone. I know I did. Had my doctor not simply discarded of all the many reasons I had to not get going, I would have have been 175 lbs lighter today. I know you can do this. Put your mind in the right place. Prioritize. You're worth it. I always like to read your journals and your comments, and you know everything you need to know to do this. All you need it so convince Carol about it. I hope she'll listen - I know she can be a little stubborn! :) Write to me if you like, you know I'm here.
29 Mar 12 by member: kingkeld
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Carol everyone has said it and we can all relate to how you are feeling and it isn't shallow. They are our feelings and they are real and deep and no matter what anyone says or tells us deep down we feel like we feel. I have been bad lately too and after being away for a while it is just so hard to get back to it but we will. One day we will wake up with renewed motivation and get back to it. I have faith in us and I can understand how you feel. Many times I have not wanted to go somewhere for exactly the same reasons.
29 Mar 12 by member: chattycathy1955
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I hear ya. I am trying to regain a balance in my life after some blows and it is hard. I don't blame you for cancelling the trip. I have parents who have always made me feel weight conscious. When I was skinny in high school they made fun of me for being that way, and in my heavier times they make me feel HUGE... except they will send me candy and cookies. WTF? I mean, really? I lost a bunch (and now have gained some of it back) and then I was being berated for being too skinny AGAIN. I mean, what do they want? Never satisfied. My dad passed away a couple of years ago, and now my 81-yr-old mother would blow away in a strong breeze so when I go out to eat with her (which she ALWAYS wants to go out to eat when I visit)she is supposed to be trying to gain weight so eats everything in sight including dessert. I try to be "good" when I'm with her, but between the stress of being with her and the mixed messages, it drives me crazy. I'm back on here trying to renew my goals and get back to my healthier weight. You, too, can do it. You ARE worth it!
29 Mar 12 by member: sesnyde
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I second kingkeld. The only way this spiral will stop is for you to wipe the slate clean NOW and stop saying later later later. Accept where you are (WEIGH IN) and make a plan to move forward. You know you can do it, you have done it before. And don't deny yourself socialization because of your image. If they are good family and friends, they won't mind a bit!
30 Mar 12 by member: JenKatja
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Wow.. this is a powerful little thread. I've been a walking 'spiral' for years, and I, too, have those days where I just want to chuck it all and eat a pint of B&J's, following my fave pizza. I'll admit, this month has not been a good one-dietarily speaking, but I'm back on the wagon again, and you will be too. I haven't been plagued by migraines, but now that you feel better and have a day off, could you not suit up and get out if only to walk in your neighborhood? I'm guessing you still have snow, but a hike in the snow might be just what you need. As for cancelling your trip, it sounds like it's not a good time from a convenience standpoint, not just how you feel about yourself. But here's a little thought... now that you HAVE cancelled, you now have given yourself some time to get over the hump and back on the wagon. We all get hormonal-I can be a DOOZY when it's my turn-so just use it to your advantage, break a sweat and push past it as best you can. We are ALL hugging you long distance. You'll make it thru!!
30 Mar 12 by member: ZippyDani
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btw, Who is Carol Flaxseed?
31 Mar 12 by member: doit2it
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hey buddy- finally back. I've missed you. Hope on this sunday you are having a great day and being good to you : )
01 Apr 12 by member: sharonfriz
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