shrinkingmyfatarse's Journal, 09 April 2024

I'm not married however I've lost myself when being in a relationship and becoming a mother because you tend to put yourself on the back burner and put everyone first. I had a partner who was the same way and would always make comments when I tried to put myself first, he's my daughter's father. i was 21 when I had her and he expected the same from me and I felt I was way to young to be consistently trapp3d in the house and just doing house work while working 3 jobs. Needless to say I left that relationship and now I'm with someone who supports me putting myself first and helps around the house. Trust me it takes a lot mentally when you start to put yourself first again because you feel guilty for a bit but it is definitely worth it in the end and to have a partner who tells you they are proud of you for doing so helps a lot! So to answer your question no, you are not alone! 

I can understand how you feel. I was home for a long time and it was mentally tough. My friend immigrated just like you and she he’d the same difficulties with friends/family you speak of. I think it is normal to feel that way. I found something I liked to do outside of the house to help (pottery at the community center, martial arts, gym, planting a garden) It helps to break up the day. Do a house task and then leave to do something and come back to do something else. I think it helped to keep communication open with my husband too. He knew some days I just wouldn’t feel like doing it all. Good luck and welcome! 

Oh, and I made it clear my husband needed to do dishes too. I work full time and I had to make it clear I can’t do everything. He probably doesn’t know how to cook and that’s why he was asking when you were sick. 

What will happen if you only do what you feel like doing? Maybe it is okay to say, no. 

I agree with Nikki, try and find something that’s just for “you” like a gym or something where you can connect with other people. I have been with my partner for almost 15 years and we have a 12 year old son and I do 90% of the things around the house and beyond. We both work full time. Just the way things tend to be which isn’t always fair. For me, my son comes first and even when I’m sick, I still take care of others. I will say that since I have joined a yoga studio earlier this year it has give me “me” time, even if just for 1 hour. I can re-center myself and focus on myself for just that period of time and I only usually go twice a week, 3 times only sometimes. It’s important to have something that is just for you even if you go to the library for a bit and read and have that disconnect from being a housewife just for a bit. Breaking up the day is helpful and needed for your peace of mind. Sending you 💜 

I have never been married to anyone, so I can’t relate to that, but I do know that feeling like you’ve lost yourself, is normal at some point in life. It’s a difficult feeling, when you are living off of other people’s influence, even when it is good influence, and relying on what other people do, when you want to do better. It is difficult when you lose your “introverted hobbies” for lack of a better term, and can’t do anything productive when you are alone. Being with other people is nice, but has its disadvantages too, just like being by yourself. It’s not easy. When I am with people other than my family at least five days a week, I enjoy it, but also feel my intuition and “introverted hobbies” for lack of a better term, fading. We talk about self-improvement, but I forget that we are different people who need different strategies eventually. Have you ever felt these same things? 

I wouldn't call this relationship traditional, I would call it outdated. Speak up about it now or learn to like it because it's not going to fix itself. I wish you the best. Good luck. 

Yea if he’s asking you to cook n do the dishes while you are sick then he’s not caring for you. Even I would do the dishes n clean sometimes in a blue moon. I definitely wouldn’t ask her to cook for me while she’s sick. I’ll cook for her. I cook sometimes too, even when she’s not sick. But she does the majority of cleaning n cooking while I do the all of the fixing things n installing things. Oh and we’re not even married! But maybe marriage is entitled to different standards which I feel it shouldn’t 

Marriage is a partnership, We’ll be married 39 years this October, her second & my first. From the beginning it was not just a marriage but a partnership. We were both working full time and going to school full time, as well as raising 3 children. We shared all responsibilities, with the help of her mother. Even if you can’t work(for what ever reason) the work should be shared, a marriage in a commitment to each other. In certain ways you become come one spirit. But I under you situation is different than most of use and I’m sorry for that, but hang in there and hopefully thing will gradually change.🙏🏻 

Every couple divides up the household task list differently. It usually all equals out eventually and gets smoother. Since you can’t work yet, and aren’t bringing money into the household, your contribution seems to be cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, errands. I assume that his area of responsibility is vehicle maintenance, yard work, handyman repairs, and bringing in money. He is doing those things – right? As someone earlier said, he may not know how to cook, and he was probably raised with traditional male/female roles. When you get a job and start also contributing money to the household, make sure you renegotiate the task list fairly. You’ll find your groove, Girl. Hang in there.  

You definitely need to talk about balance. Technically, I’m not married, but I’ve been with the same person for over 25 years. We take care of one another and we talk constantly, even when he’s away. That’s not saying everything is perfect, but what is? You get through it together.  

Larilyn makes sense. Except for the asking her to cook n clean even while she’s sick part. There’s so many ways to get a meal in this day n age even if you are clueless to the point of not being able to cook for yourself to survive. But yea if you don’t bring in income it means you have more time than he does. So taking care of the house should be your job.  

Supergainz1, I agree completely about cooking while sick! That's just wrong on every level. Open a can of soup for Pete's sake, right? 

Lol exactly. I mean how has he not heard about fasting? 

Maybe you can find a gym and work out, I find that relieves stress for me. Get out of the house for a nice walk if you have a safe place, maybe you can meet other ladies in the area.  

tell him to cook and clean himself .your not his personal maid get a grip 

im so sorry about this... i understand how you feel. I had to speak up about housework, especially when i was totally burnt out after cleaning up after 2 cats, 2 kids, and a husband(before we got our 2 dogs) At first, my oldest did super simple chores for money, which escalated as he got used to them. To my husband, I really had to express, "yes I am home everyday. no I don't want to clean the entire house all day long while I'm here. You need to pitch in. This is your house too; I'm not asking you to help me. I'm asking you to do your part." At first, he wasn't taking the hint, so I only cleaned when he cleaned. The house, yes, became a disaster... i showed him room to room whats going on. (We also use this app called Tody for housework. At first, for my son and I then him) I showed him the list of all past due chores "i do this all on my own, what wil you do?" eventually he started pitching in with housework more regularly. I think having the visual aid really helped in knowing specifically what to do, because he really just didn't see the clutter. Saying NO is really powerful to not overdo it. Parental/non-parental burnout is really a thing. acknowledging what we are willing to and not willing to do is a balancing act in a marriage, especially getting used to how things will go. It establishes healthy boundaries. He needs to take care of you too, in sickness and health. Not expect to be served when you arent feeling well! how dare he... 

Or you can introduce him to Jason fung 🤔 

You shouldn’t feel like a maid. 🙄 I broke up with my previous BF because of that. Have you told your husband how you feel? I’d start there. Communication is key. 

Getting married is a big change, especially if you move to a new place. Try to find friends and continue to date and do fun things with your husband. I joke that when I got married my husband forgot how to use the microwave, but I just about forgot how to get gas. My husband is a great cook and helps around the house when I need the help. It goes both ways and it's a big change for you both. Talk with him about it.