nicholaix's Journal, 06 March 2016

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. My so-called friends wanted to keep me fat when I was fatter, because secretly if I got skinnier than they were, they'd look bad in public. Some friends are just enemies in hiding, if they are inconsiderate of your wishes, especially if they're full grown adults who think your "diet" is a joke. Personally I'd make some kind of excuse that you can't make it to go out to eat without being a jerk about it, that way you can stay faithful to your diet. It's better to not eat (fasting), than to go out and eat bad food and pay for it with your health in the long run. Stay away from bad influence. 

My suggestion, and I'm really talking about myself. I like to eat out, and I basically know as I walk in the restaurant, that I am going to cheat on my diet, but You can pre-plan, where you are going to eat. Investigate the menu ahead of time, and don't be talked into food, that you know is bad. Stay away from the bread, as much as possible. Think in terms of avoiding sweets, and artificial sweeteners and carbs. We all like to eat out once in awhile. Make up for it later.  

Maybe it's my age (older), BUT I don't have much time for game playing anymore. I would tell the person that this was important to me, explain what/how I was trying to eat, and maybe decide together where to go.... 

Yeah, friends, whoever they are, tend to play mind games with you when in public. It doesn't matter if it's friends or family, they all secretly want to keep you fat. My sister, who by the way has 40%+ bodyfat makes fun of me for losing so much weight. She says I have a "big head" now. Which literally means my body lost its mass but my head stayed the same size, which is okay with me because it's my knowledge and intelligence that helped me lose weight and keep it off, not my affinity to be a grunt in the gym. While she yo-yo's in her weight every year losing and gaining a measly 12 pounds, I've gone beyond the call of duty and have lost over 70 lbs and kept the majority of it off sticking to my diet. This way is not only more efficient, but sustainable. The only way to keep the unwanted weight off is to focus on your diet first. It all comes down to priority. What do you value more, friendship or your health? And no, cognitive dissonance isn't an answer. I've made that mistake before, I'll never make it again. No one cares about your health except for you. Before you love other people, you should love yourself first. 

Could you maybe reframe your request and indicate that really rich food doesn't seem to agree with your system anymore? I'm guessing your friend wants to spoil you...but really doesn't want to make you sick! It seems that many people anymore "say" they're on a diet. So much so that I think a lot of people just take it as lip service when they hear that someone is watching their weight. And for a lot of people, providing indulgent food is a way of showing affection. Plus, the idea that it doesn't agree with you may well be true! Personally, I don't buy the mind games/keep you fat thing. Yes, there are probably a small percentage of those people in each of our lives...but they're the exception not the rule.  

If it is a friend and you are direct, they will understand. If it is a romantic interest, they still need to understand if you want the relationship to work out. 

That's tough. You have kids. You lost your S.O. what, a year and a half ago? Your health for your children has to be number one. That needs to be explained and accepted. If it's not accepted, then you know what needs to be done. Yeah. It's easy to say. 

It is a romantic interest so it seems a little more complicated but maybe you are right and its really not. I was avoiding a talk about my health issues but maybe its best if I suck it up and explain that my health is more important. It does kind of seem like a passive aggressive thing, too, which worries me. Who knows, time will tell. Thanks for all the input! 

Honesty is always the best choice. 

Honesty is the best policy but be careful of bruising our fragile male ego. Firstly, I would take a small leap of faith and assume he is treating you to a meal to show you that he has love or affection for you. Secondly, I'd take another small leap of faith and assume that when he's showing his affection by sharing a "special" meal, he is oblivious to the affect on your health, even though you modestly say you're watching your weight (he probably finds that sweet but odd as your weight is totally fine by him). Unfortunately, most guys (myself included) are also oblivious to subtle verbal cues...you'll need to patiently and calmly explain to him that you understand and very much appreciate him wanting to buy you supper, etc, but "at this time" you need to really watch what you eat for health purposes (compatibility with meds too, if that truly is the case). If he likes/loves you, he (or you, or both of you) will make the adjustment to find a different restaurant to make you both happy...if he doesn't then you have to decide what you want to do. Hope that makes sense, good luck!! 

I think there are so many choices available its your body you know what you want just eat very light during the day. Portion control at dinner no one says you have to finish the whole plate. The key thing is the gentleman wants to spend time with you I think there is never an excuse " for there was nothing I could have on the menu" . Just use wisdom and portion control and water or coffee it up you will be full and pass on dessert. You will be fine. Your stressing too much just enjoy the opportunity to have a good night out with a person who wants to be with you.  

I hear more than worrying about diet and restaurant choices. You are worrying about his total control of the date and his ignoring any objections you might be giving him. Don't let him blow you off. Your concerns and worries are important. If warning bells are going off, listen to them. This is your health and it's your life. Take control. 

Seems like you should stand up for yourself in the relationship. You have worked hard to get yourself back on track and it would be a shame to see that derailed. If this budding romance is to last, you need to be honest and make sure you are getting what you want and need. You don't have to be confrontational about it, but if you are valued by this person, they will understand and want you to be healthy. Then again, there are all sorts of crazy motivations for people when it comes to "supporting" people in their healthy lifestyles. I read an article just yesterday that talked about the people who are successful at maintaining weight loss have support networks that don't keep reminding them of what they shouldn't do or eat, but compliment them on their success and join them in healthy choices. Perhaps you could find a way to get them to join you in some healthier behavior. Good luck. 

Nic, after reading these and then you stating it is a romantic interest, I would be upfront and tell them, hey I want to be at this point (with your eating) for me on/around this time and I am trying to get healthy so I can be around along long time for my kids. Be honest, with them if they bail go riddance they don't need to be in your life. I know that sounds harsh but if they do care and are interested they will stick around for you. just my 2 cents 

What great and thoughtful answers, not just for Nicolaix's situation but for so many others. For those other situations, with friends and family who seem like they just don't want you to succeed, I've chosen to not see it as "enemy activity" but as competition. People just tend to be competitive and competition can get ugly. Sometimes it's that they feel they look better if you look bad. It can hit a level of bullying. It's better to just be "in competition" with yourself, and challenge yourself with meeting your own goals for health and weight. As soon as you start comparing yourself to others (and finding them lacking) you are being hurtful because everyone's challenge to lose weight is unique. It is difficult to change that mindset because we are programmed to compare ourselves to others.  

Nothing new to add, but just to throw my 2 cents in about being honest. And that honesty doesn't have to be brutal, just caring and open communication. Hopefully the the other person truly cares about you and it will be important to them.