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03 April 2013

I've been pretty slack with the journalling lately. I just got to a point where I was weary of the path I am on. I would eat 1200 calories a day for 3 or 4 days, then overeat. I have been doing this continously for a couple of months now. I have gained back about 6 pounds. I weighed the same last week at the doctor as I did 3 months ago. My A1C is 5.2 again, the same. My health is not bad, my diabetes is being held nicely in check, it's just the constant yo yoing - I guess I am a dieter's version of "rapid cycling". I have decided that I am going to stick with the RDI of 1500 calories a day and try to stick with it and see where it goes. I just don't think I can do 1200 calories right now. I feel deprived, hungry, cranky, self pitying, and can only keep it up for a few days and then I want to binge. I have to do something to break the cycle. I want to lose again, and I have not been slacking off with my exercise - I am routinely running 4 miles at the gym and I am set to do my 2nd 5K race in about a week and a half. So my running has been going well, and my diabetic eating has been going well, even with a few binges. I was actually shocked that it was 5.2 again, because of my periodic overeating. I am going to do my best to try to get out of this pattern and into more healthy and more losing behavior. Obsessive thought, compulsive behavior. One thing I have been trying, and I haven't been trying for very long, is to have snacks for dinner. I don't sit down and eat one big meal with protein, starch and vegetables. I like spreading it out over a couple of hours and just eating two, three, four healthy snacks - air popped popcorn, sugar free pudding, reduced fat string cheese, hummus and carrots - a selection of these things has become my dinner. I feel really good about it, too. I feel like staggering these snacks leaves me feeling less hungry, and less likely to binge. I also got a Keurig coffee maker and am loving it but feel slightly guilty about the k cups. I know they can't be good for the environment so I am trying to find online a refillable k cup. I have wasted GALLONS of coffee in my life because I am usually having to make a whole pot for myself, and I can't drink it all. I tried one of those 4 cup coffee makers but I was wasting that, too. I don't know what's worse for the enviroment - a plastic k cup, or pounds and pounds and pounds of coffee and water wasted over years. Good question!

13 March 2013

Today was a little better at work - the money situation is bad but not as bad as I thought. I went to the gym and ran 4 miles tonight. I felt like I was getting off lightly, but I'm glad I went and ran. I ran 4.3 mph, though, my fastest. I don't know what I will do if I get up to 5 miles an hour! I am wondering if I would lose weight if I consistently, consistently ate 1500 calories - like the whole month. I start and stop all the time. I try for 1200, I do okay for 3 days and then I binge again. I have been stumbling over this for a long time. I don't think I've consistently eaten 1500 calories, every day, for a few weeks. I'm not going to be losing a lot of weight doing that, but I am curious if I stick with it if I would lose some weight, staying at my current active level. It's worth a shot.

11 March 2013

I was feeling so great and then something crappy happened at work today. Basically I was told that I am going to be paid less by 4,000 a year. That may be doable if you are making more money than I am, but it's HUGE chunk to me. A "how in the hell can I live on that?" chunk. So I am upset and moody and cranky and depressed. Believe me, if I still smoked, I would be smoking a lot of cigarettes today. I went to the gym instead. I was going to run, and then I got on the treadmill and my pants started falling down! They are snug stretch pants but they were sliding down my hips and below my belly and were coming off. So I hitched them up and said hell with the treadmill, I'll do the elliptical. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes, then there were no towels for either my personal use or to wipe off the machines. I have had a hell of a day, I'll tell you. Let's just hope tomorrow is better. I've been doing a little better with food the last couple of days. All I know is I gotta keep exercising, keep straight with the food, and look for another job.

06 March 2013

I went to the gym and ran 5 miles yesterday. I think I am doing just fine with that for now, working toward running the 6.4 miles for a 10K. I think I will run a 5K in April, just to stay on my toes. I have to go to the doctor in 3 weeks, and it's sad that I have only lost about 3 pounds since I last saw her, 3 months ago. For some reason I cannot get below 170. I know the reason - I am eating like 1500 calories a day, and I have been overeating on some days. I have to accept that my metabolism is not what it used to be. If I were in my 20s and running 5 miles 3 times a week I would probably be in incredible shape. Right now, even with all the exercise, I am just maintaing. I have been on a restrictive diet for more than a year and frankly, it's just hard as hell to keep on dieting for such a long time. I want to lose more weight, but it is so hard to keep my calories down. I am hungrier because I am doing so much exercise. It's just really hard. I didn't go to the gym for like a week and a half because of being busy and the giant snowstorm. Now I'm back, and I am serious. Last night when I ran, afterwards it felt like I had been given a vigorous massage. That's how good strong exercise feels to me now. However, I totally bargain with myself when I exercise. I say to myself "I am just going to get on that treadmill and go for 5 miles". Then I get a mile, and I think "Maybe I'll just do 2 miles tonight". Then I get to two miles, and I think "Well, I've done 2 miles, let me run 3.2 and that's a 5K". Then once I get there, I'm like "Only 2 more miles to do, might as well run the whole 5 miles." I do this EVERY TIME. I set a goal, then I want to cop out, so it's a mental process in reaching that goal. It's not my body - nothing hurts when I run, my breathing is good, it feels totally fine. It's mental. And it's because it takes so long. I am going at 4.3 miles an hour, and I have to run an hour and 15 minutes to achieve 5 miles. That's a long as hell time to run. I go slow, but I go. I would like to increase my speed a lot. My dream is to run 5 miles an hour. That would be so awesome. My endurance is good, but upping the speed would be fantastic. We'll see.

04 March 2013

Well, today was Monday and I started fresh. I think I did really well with the snacking. I had frozen yogurt and I just love having it. I do so much better with the concept of driving to the store and getting one single serving of desert. I can't have more, I can't take it home, just that one serving is what I am going to get. I have got to get a handle on the sugar free deserts. I have posted about it before - somehow sugar free cake, cookies and brownies have a supernatural power over me, but when it comes to sugar free pudding, I am just fine. How do I explain that? I don't know. I haven't lost any real weight since August. On one hand, I have successfully kept off 50 pounds for 6 months, and that's good. But I still want to lose more and it's so hard! It's damn hard to be on a deprivation diet for more than a year. I see my doctor again in a month and she will probably not be pleased that I haven't lost any more weight. I don't know what to say. My running and exercising are probably better than they have ever been. I'm running five miles at a time, I've raised my speed, and I have even started lifting free weights and doing ab machines. I know I am not losing weight because I am eating too much. Unfortunately for me, I am probably one of those people who even if they keep exercising, can't probably go above 1800 calories a day without starting to gain weight. That's depressing. I bet it's normal for a 40 year old, though, so I have to think about that. Right now, I just want to get to the gym and not to binge. That's all I'm hoping for today. And today, I have achieved that!

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