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Weight History
showing entries 16 to 20 of 22
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11 September 2012
Health and Health Scares
Yesterday I had irregular heartbeat after eating lunch. This made me think a lot about all the little physical things that bother me about being obese. And about dying young. My father died at 42 from a cancer that often claims alcoholics that smoke. And let me tell you - that is a shitty thing to do to your child. My son is 4 and autistic and will need to live with me maybe even his whole adult life, we don't know. So dying young is not an option.
I was 15 when my father died - and I went from having one deeply flawed parent who loved me, to having one parent who obviously favoured my younger (thinner) siblings. I think most teenagers have that little voice in their heads telling them that they aren't good enough - my inner voice happened to be driving me to the school bus stop every AM. I have a lot of anger towards my mother. She STILL belittles me. And I'm not sure if she will be part of my life when I finally get my head on straight. She's killed any love that I had for her. Can you divorce your mother?
I'm trying to think of all the pissy little issues that bother me that are from my weight. I think this will help to remind me what really stinks about being obese. I don't know what being thin feels like (yet) - but I sure do know a lot about being fat!
1. No haircut really looks good on me - and I HATE all the mirrors in the salon
2. Double chins!
3. Sleep apnea.
4. The rash I get in the fat roll on the back of my neck.
5. Neck pain, back pain, hip pain, knee pain, foot pain.
6. The weird smell the comes from the roll where my c-section scar is after a long day (gross, I know!)
7. How I have to strain my back to take care of myself after the restroom - (some of you will know what I mean)
8. Embarrassing sweating.
9. Embarrassing breathlessness.
10. Varicose veins.
11. Foot calluses - feet too wide for pretty shoes. Toes too neglected for sandals.
12. Chaffing - God, do I hate inner thigh CHAFFING!!
13. Clothes look awful! And I secretly love clothes.
14. Boys think they are entitled to make comments about my size. Little do they know how close I am to snapping. They should be SCARED.
15. My boss doesn't teat me the same as my thinner coworkers.
16. I'm too tired for ANYTHING!
17. Chairs don't fit. Ever have to worry if the chair will go with you when you get up? I do!
You know what? Every area of my life is being effected by obesity. And it's never for the best. I'm just sick of it. SICK SICK SICK. I'm in a dark place this week - and I just want the fat to go! I'm sure my outlook will be brighter soon.
As for now.....
I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!
(1 comment)
07 September 2012
Sleep!
I've noticed a huge link between sleep deprivation and overeating. Last night I was tired - and wanted to go to bed early but DH wanted to watch Jon Stewart and Colbert after DS went to bed, and I agreed. Which led to an unplanned snack of cream cheese, pickles and ham. All OP but still I didn't feel good about it. I think early bedtime is the best bet for me! I've also noticed that even if I've done every right I can gain weight if I don't get enough sleep! Perhaps it's the stress/weight co-relation again? I need 8 hrs every night. Which means to bed at 10:30 and asleep by 11:00!
I'm at that impatient place in my weight loss journey. the scale can't move fast enough to suit me. I was looking at some photos of myself at around my lowest weight after my first attempt at Atkins. I would have been about 75lbs lighter than I am now. AND I STILL LOOKED FAT!! It just sends home the message that I have a long row to hoe. And if I don't fix what's wrong - not just my physical size - but what is really causing me to lose all pride - I will die young and unhappy. And I can't die young. I have a son with autism that may need his mom for his entire life. I know that your job as a parent never ends - but mine REALLY never ends.
The overall mood today - tired and desperate!
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06 September 2012
The bus stop of life
I feel like my whole adult life has been like waiting for the bus to arrive. You know, "when I lose weight I'll do this, that, and the other thing". When I finally arrive at that magic # I'll finally get on the bus. Until then I've allowed myself to just sit and wait. I've waited so long that I've fooled myself into thinking that I don't want more of a life. That I don't like hiking and dancing and clothes. And a really, really DO like all those things! I don't go out. I don't have close friends - because I've become so narrow in my interests. The only time I go with other women is to eat. I've become the friend to pig out with. And I know why that is - I'm bigger than them so they don't feel guilty indulging in front of me.
On the more positive note - I'm down another couple of lbs this morning! I've realized that staying 100% on the Atkins program is the only way for me. It's humbling to admit that the maybe the experts at Atkins Nutritional probably know more about weight loss than me - the makeup artist.
I haven't started exercising - yet. I still feel quite ill when I work out at this size. And because this is a permanent change for me, I'm easing into it. I do like the way exercise makes my brain feel. Probably by the end of the month, when Freddie is at school for more that a couple of hrs a day - walking a hour a day will help clear my head.
Time to enjoy my muffin in a minute (MIM)!
Weigh-in:
278.6 lb
lost so far:
2.4 lb
still to go:
123.6 lb
Diet followed 100%
(2 comments)
losing 9.8 lb a week
05 September 2012
Why did I get to 300 lbs?
I've always assumed that I would never know the answer to that question. Because I don't know myself. I DON'T KNOW MYSELF! How absurd is that? I guess that what is what this journey is all about. If I don't figure out why I overeat then this will be yet another failed attempt at "diet". A couple of things I've realized in just 20lbs -
1. I don't know if I want a relationship with my mother. (for some reason weight loss ALWAYS brings up all these childhood memories.) If I do continue with her it will have to be on my terms.
2. I settle for less, then I never get what I want.
3. I'm getting paid less than my thinner, less productive coworkers. And I want to change careers.
4. I'm grieving that I can never eat like a "normal" person again. Because the normal people are getting fatter.
5. I'm positively addicted to carbs.
I'm reading a lot. Right now I'm reading a book written by a shrunken shrink - she says boredom is a type of stress. I stress eat. I didn't think I did. I was wrong wrong WRONG! My brain is asking for activity, exercise, meditation, nutrients, etc. I've been using food for so long as my only crutch - so that's always what I reach for. Today I choose to be crutch-less. I may stumble, I may fall, but I'm making the choice to never grab for that crutch again. I can walk just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch!
(2 comments)
05 September 2012
Weigh-in:
280.0 lb
lost so far:
1.0 lb
still to go:
125.0 lb
Diet followed 100%
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losing 3.5 lb a week
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