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Had a rough day yesterday. I started the day wanting to be positive and wanting to kill it, but by mid afternoon I was wanting to run to my car and eat the chocolates that are in there. My aunt gave me a box of chocolate at Christmas, which was before they knew I was starting Keto, and I just havent taken them from the car yet. It was a definite temptation yesterday. I didnt eat them though, but I was so frustrated and fed up. Just tired of being me sometimes.
I know its my fault that I am fat, I understand that, but I just get so mad at myself. Why did I have to eat 3 twinkies when I was a kid, why not just one? Why did I insist on 20pc mcnugget, why wasnt 10 good enough? I am hard on myself because of my past and I shouldnt be, but its hard to not place blame on that idiot girl who didnt know when to quit.
I want to share something that I have been kind of worried about for a few weeks. I didnt want to share it, but I know that this is a place that I can share things and not worry about people being unkind or rude to me about it. I have a lot of fears, and get a lot of crap from people about airing them so I dont normally, but I just have to right now.
First, I am worried about loose skin. I am so scared that I am going to look like a wrinkly gross raisin when I lose the weight. I dont have the money for corrective surgery, and I know that loose skin is going to be something I will have. You dont get this big and not have it when you lose the weight. I am worried. I am scared that even after all the hard work, I will still hate my body because its not what my mind perceives and "perfect". I told my husband, and he said that it wouldnt matter. He would love me and I should wear the skin with pride at how far I came, but I am just worried. I want to wear cute clothes, swimsuits, dresses, and not be ashamed. I dont know if I will ever be able to do that. And its my fault for not saying no to a third helping, or a large size candy bar.
Second, I am worried that it wont ever be enough. I want to get to 200lbs, because I am a tall, big boned girl with a large head and I dont want to look weird by being too skinny. Ideally. But, and here is where I am kind of scared, I saw a picture of someone the other day that was so skinny you could see every rib and my immediate thought was "I would love to be there" and then I shook myself out of that. That isnt healthy. My mind is telling me that I want to be bones, but I know, logically, I cannot be bones. I look at my calories sometimes and think "oh god, thats too many" and its not even at 1500. I had a couple days where I was at 1750, which is high, but no where near the 3000+ that I was eating before, and I beat myself up over it. I was mad, and upset. I am scared that I wont know when to stop. I wont be able to tell myself that I have lost enough, that I am fine now. I am terrified that I will never be satisfied.
This is the first time I have allowed that second thought to come out beyond just my own thoughts. I have not spoken to anyone about that, but its there, inside of me, eating my accomplishments, telling me that it wasnt good enough, I can do better. I will do better. Telling me that to be accepted, to be beautiful, I have to lose all the ugly fat, all of it. I have a long way to go before I have to really worry about that, but when that day comes, and I know it will, I am worried that I wont be able to stop.
I am actually in a really good place today. I am positive and happy. I just have these fears gnawing at the back of my mind. I dont dwell on it, because its not something I have to worry about right now, but I just needed to get it out. Thank you all for listening.
Diet Calendar Entries for 23 February 2018:
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923 kcal
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Fat: 63.00g | Prot: 87.00g | Carb: 2.00g.
Lunch: Little Caesars Hot Wings. Dinner: Arby's Max Roast Beef (No Bun), Arby's Roast Beef (No Bun). more...
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5501 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Desk Work - 8 hours, Driving - 30 minutes, Resting - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
Hi KLynn -- I understand completely because I'm a big girl like you. I've lost over 90 lbs so far and it has taken me 3 years to do it (I was 476) so the only place the skin is shaky are my thighs. I have found that because I lost the weight slowly the skin does not sag. I was afraid of the same thing. I do exercises when I am laying in the bed with my husband because I can't do them standing up and I don't get down on the floor because I have a hard time getting up. I do leg lifts and stomach crutches (my version of them) and arm exercises and I'm noticing a difference. I just started walking this week (2 days so far and I could only walk 8 minutes each day, but again its a start). Maybe you can walk further but I can't. Congrats on the will power of not eating that candy. I would not have been able to do it at all -- CHRISTMAS CANDY -- girl, I would have eaten that candy by New Year's -- that in itself is something to be proud of. Let's congratulate ourselves on NSV (non-scale victories). We are going to be our biggest cheerleaders. Thanks for being transparent.
23 Feb 18 by member: karengales
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@KayseaLove, my eating is definitely an addiction. There was a time that I could eat a whole lb bag of M&Ms without even blinking, Ive eaten many boxes of oreos all by myself, sometimes a whole box during a movie. Ive struggled all my life, I was the main cook in my family from the time I was about 7 and making fried chicken tenders, I would eat them as they came out of the fryer, and then still eat more than my share at the dinner table. I have no control. The box of chocolates in the car, is hidden under a bunch of stuff which is why I havent eaten it yet. But today, I am going to take it out and get rid of it, because its a crutch. Its a "I know its there if I need it" and I do not need it. I would eat an entire order of 20pc Mcnuggets, a large fry and then want a cookie. Sometimes I would add a cheeseburger in there for good measure. I think about that now, and it angers me that I felt the need to consume all of that food. There was no excuse, besides gluttony. I was not in control. I am now, and I struggle all the time, but I know that if I give in, I am allowing it to control me again and I dont want to be there anymore. I appreciate your support, so much!! (And when I get there, I am going to call Ellen and be on her show, maybe she will pay for my loose skin surgery! So we wont have to worry about that! haha)
23 Feb 18 by member: Klynn82
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You will need to give your skin a few years to tighten up after losing all your excess weight. Also, like Karengales said above, doing weight exercises will help fill some of it out with muscle. The only other thing I want to add is try not to lose weight too quickly. Slow weight loss will give your skin a chance to tighten better than fast weight loss, which really isn't healthy anyway. I've read the guidelines are up to 2 pounds a week.
Don't beat yourself up because you overeat one day. Pick yourself back up and start your diet again at the next meal. I did this many times while I lost weight.
23 Feb 18 by member: crstlgls
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You will need to give your skin a few years to tighten up after losing all your excess weight. Also, like Karengales said above, doing weight exercises will help fill some of it out with muscle. The only other thing I want to add is try not to lose weight too quickly. Slow weight loss will give your skin a chance to tighten better than fast weight loss, which really isn't healthy anyway. I've read the guidelines are up to 2 pounds a week.
Don't beat yourself up because you overeat one day. Pick yourself back up and start your diet again at the next meal. I did this many times while I lost weight.
23 Feb 18 by member: crstlgls
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Don’t be upset about mistakes made in the past. Mistakes are the best learning opportunities!
It is much more important to focus on the actual trajectory of your health, rather than the current state you are in.
In 6 months from now, you will be glad that you are trying so hard
23 Feb 18 by member: Jed_Raubtier
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Klynn, to prevent loose skin, try gentle dry brushing with a nubby "brush" to improve skin circulation, try Hair Skin & Nails Supplements, and consider getting compression garments. Combine these with slow weight loss.
23 Feb 18 by member: gz9gjg
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Thanks for posting. I have about another 80 to lose. I have the same worries. Lose it slowly. I’ve heard most skin may take a couple of years to catch up. Surgery is not always the best choice. You lose your stomach in surgery. Focus on healthy choices and smaller portions. Don’t give up.
23 Feb 18 by member: Journey of Hope
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I have been told that if you are pursuing low carb, your body will more quickly "recycle" the old skin, especially at your age. Psalm 139:14 says that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made". That word that was translated, "fearfully" actually means "awesomely". Therefore, you are awesome. Don't worry, it looks like your husband supports you, and you can't beat that!
24 Feb 18 by member: moogiemynes
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You caught my attention because your words were like my own up until the "husband" part lol obvious someone loves you the way you are and I understand we have to love ourself but those are all normal fears. Don't let the excess skin stop you from reaching your goals and exceeding them. I thought 220lbs was a good number for me, but my body doesn't look like what I thought 220lbs should look like so I kept going. I honestly don't even know what my goal weight is, I know I have a back fat roll that I want gone lol Good luck and happy losing.
24 Feb 18 by member: ByeFitlisha
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To help with the loose skin issue, for amrs, do low-impact weight lifting... 3-5 lb barbells but do reps of 15, rest, do second set, rest, do a third set. When you arms get a bit too tired, do one more set and then rest (resting is for 3-5 seconds), do this twice a day. In the morning and evening. For the belly and legs, try low-impact yoga or pilates. There are some great vids on Youtube for both. Walking will also help with both. Try to walk at least one mile per day, even if you have to break it up into two sessions. If you can do more, all the better. What you do not want to do is high impact, like heavy weights or Aerobics. At least not until you've lost most of your weight. They will cause weight gain because you gain muscle mass quickly and it may discourage you. Hope this helps!
24 Feb 18 by member: Ravyne Hawke
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Oh, for the barbells, you can look online to find the kinds of lifts you may want to do for where the loose skin may be on your arms.
24 Feb 18 by member: Ravyne Hawke
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Everyone has added wonderful words of encouragement. Focus on the incredible job you are doing for your health and staying on track. Do not focus on the past, because, as Rafiki says: "What does it matter? It's in the past. Oh yes, the past can hurt, but you can either run from it, or learn from it." Love you!
27 Feb 18 by member: Peasy3
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Keep your head up and focus on looking forward. You know the saying, stop looking in the rear view mirror, you're not going that way! If those chocolates are haunting you, throw them out. It's more tempting when you know they are at arms reach! Are you in Ketosis? My cravings for all that stuff goes away when I am. Try adding some collagen like Vital Proteins to your diet to help with the loose skin or make some bone broth, which it full of it, and drink it every day. It should help some and is definitely good for hair and nails as well skin. You can do it! Don't beat yourself up over the past, you can only change the future. Keto on!
28 Feb 18 by member: jude814
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Beauty comes from actions, not appearance. Some “beautiful” people are very ugly once their true heart is exposed.
Losing weight is definitely a good idea for health benefits though!
Don’t dwell over yesterday’s mistakes, start new every morning!
Allow yourself a cheat day or try 80/20 ratio (eating healthy 80% daily, allowing yourself room for one bad decision without guilt). The longer you eat clean, the less sugar cravings you’ll get.
You can do anything you set your mind to! One meal, one workout, at a time! Have a great day!
28 Feb 18 by member: -pfeiff
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