|
Good Morning. Day 422. Weight 184.8 (down 2.2 lbs)
Someone once told me that stress blinds us. When we are under significant stress our ability to attend, remember, observe, and so forth decreases. I am a believer. I thought I had no appointments scheduled yesterday. I looked right at my calendar and simply did not see it. I forgot all about a new referral I received last week. My supervisor called me yesterday afternoon to ask me about it. I am fortunate my colleagues are incredibly understanding and forgiving. I am not as forgiving towards myself. I am irritated that I am allowing myself to be so impacted by the incident over the weekend. But then I remember ... this isn't just one incident ... there have been multiple stressors over an extended period of time ... it really is understandable.
And so I am working at getting back into the 'swing' of things. I'm back at the office today and will focus on paperwork and phone calls. My weight shot up to 187 over the weekend after enjoying a low of 179 on Saturday morning. It is back down to 184.8 today. Yesterday evening I wanted to eat and eat and eat. I didn't do it but I wanted to. Of course I wanted things like candy not healthy foods like apples, oranges, and bananas!!! I know the food is not going to make me feel better ... in fact ... over time it will give me a reason to beat up on myself. I don't want to do that.
Anyway ... time for me to focus on what I am grateful for today ...
1. understanding colleagues
2. sunshine and blue skies
3. friends who do not feel like I 'analyze' them
4. this place which gives me a safe place to vent
5. knowing deep down indeed this too shall pass, it is simply a very difficult 'moment' and I will feel better ... there will be opportunities that will reveal themselves in the midst of this crisis ... that I will feel more like myself again ... soon.
For now I vascillate between numbness, anger, and tears. But ... I am here ... I have many blessings ... it is unfortunate, these circumstances with my FIL but it just is what it is ...
I hope you all are doing well ... thank you for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement, empathy, and just being you!!!
Diet Calendar Entries for 16 March 2010:
|
1540 kcal
|
Fat: 35.00g | Prot: 83.00g | Carb: 240.00g.
Breakfast: water, Fiber One, Special K Protein Bar. Lunch: Blue Bunny Light Yogurt, Select Harvest Light Vegetable Beef & Barley Soup. Dinner: Lean Cuisine Chicken in Peanut Sauce. Snacks/Other: craisins, Pirate's Booty, cracked wheat bread, jarlsberg lite, Eating Right chewy bar, Snickers Marathon Dark Chocolate Crunch. more...
|
|
3053 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Precor Elliptical - 45 minutes, Resting - 4 hours and 15 minutes, Desk Work - 9 hours, Driving - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
|
|
 Comments
I am happy to hear you well on your way with processing the weekend's events. Stay strong sister!
16 Mar 10 by member: erikag
|
I went through something about 2 weeks or so ago. What you said about friends that hate that you analyze them brought me back to my fight. I can tell it still bothers you bc you wrote it today. I wanted to say that she was probably way exaggerating if not out right lying. A pastor(we have tons) at our church and I got into a fight. He said 12 people showed him my facebook page and were upset that my status said my name : is angry. Apparently I am not allowed to feel. Now I dont know if he lied about the number or if it is the truth but I still think about it, words hurt. It makes me feel weird going to church now thinking people dont like me or are spying on me. I deleted my FB page. My hope is that you do not feel the same way as I do. At least know that your online friends like you. I hope you have a great stress free week. BTW, how is your husband doing? HUGS!
16 Mar 10 by member: yogamama3
|
Whew. Yogamama ... the saying that 'sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me' is a bunch of bunk. Words stick with us ... they resonate deeply, they can never be taken back. The old woman who used words to hurt me is not someone I really care for and yet those words did hurt me. People can be so unkind ... and yet so kind. It does still bother me but I am working my way through it. It is interesting, my vulnerabilities remain the same ... after years and years, growth and experience, still those tender spots remain. What is different is that they no longer incapcitate me for long periods of time. I REFUSE to resort to hurting myself. And so ... life goes on. My heart feels for you in your situation with the pastor at your church. Feelings just are. They are not 'wrong' or 'right' and God doesn't expect us to be free of our human feelings. My husband is recuperating from the after effects of radiation. We do not know how successful the treatment was on his cancer. We see the doctor again at the end of the month and perhaps we will learn something then. He is hanging in there ... this thing with his dad and his dad's 'partner' has upset him greatly. It is not a good thing for someone to hurt me. But we'll get through it ... we always do. Glen ... thank you for sharing your story. I know I won't stay in this space I am currently in ... it knocked me for a bigger loop than I anticipated. The woman is just a frightened, insecure, and not very kind person ... she has never liked me or my husband and has done her best to separate us from my husband's father since they met. There is nothing else we can do. Such is life.
16 Mar 10 by member: madaboutmoose
|
It is unfortunate that this nasty woman has done what she set out to do-alienate you all from your husband's father. I completely understand having to walk away from people who bring nothing but pain and sickness of the mind. It is so difficult but often necessary. Please know you are in my thoughts and that I hope you will get through this stress very soon. I agree that stress can blind us. I never really thought about it but you are very very right in this. Thank you for sharing that, I only wish you did not have to deal with the after effects of other people's hurt in order to do so.{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
16 Mar 10 by member: dawn0001
|
...I read glen's comments about anger which brought to mind a wonderful authority on the subject, John Lee who has written many books, lectures, seminars, etc. You can even check out a brief YouTube video of him if you'd like. If I wanted a guru; he'd be my choice - a sensitive, understanding, peaceful man who has been there and talks honestly and openly about his own journey- who tells us to accept our anger for the (normal, justifiable, even useful) feeling that it is and first, FEEL IT (no guilt); then the KEY is to RELEASE IT (express it) without hurting yourself or others in the process. You cannot - nor should you try to - rationalize it away with your mind because can't. The important thing is to express your VERY JUSTIFIED anger WITHOUT hurting yourself or others - even your fake MIL...which would only come back to hurt you more. Believe it or not, the way glen handled his anger might sound silly...but John Lee would recommend you do exactly that, or something like that. Scream at the top of your lungs inside your car or where no one can hear you; pound the feathers out of pillows (perhaps with MIL's picture attached). Writing as you did yesterday was helpful, too (just don't show fake MIL.) Whatever you choose, at the end you'll probably wind up sobbing at the pain and injury...but then you'll feel better. All I'm saying is that you've been hurt, your anger is not only justified; it's healthy. Express it; continue to express it...until it hurts you less and less. We all luv ya moose!
16 Mar 10 by member: doit2it
|
I'm not clairvoyant but, expect many more mistakes (possibly much more serious) while the turmoil in your mind continues. To counter the mood, use the best techniques available to you to quiet your mind, and try to do less in a more deliberate and careful manner. God Bless...
16 Mar 10 by member: information
|
Moose - You have so so so so many people here who LOVE you. Always remember that Thanks to Glenn! Great story about the punching bag! My husband used to have a speed bag out in the garage. Oh my gosh! he would make the whole garage shake on that thing! I teach Ernest Hemingway to high school students. Hemingway often wrote about the ways that PHYSICAL activity RIDS one of the EMOTIONAL! He was NOT able to stay active in his later years. Sadly - he took his own life. Here's to hoping you HEAL soon - Mooser!
16 Mar 10 by member: poet-in-motion
|
Hi Moose. You have lots of people here who care about you and feel your pain. I hope that you will be feeling better soon. I have been praying for you and your husband.
16 Mar 10 by member: chattycathy1955
|
This place, my friends here are so precious to me!! Each prayer, each hug, each comment that helps me walk through this time helps me more than I can describe. I'm home. Yea!! I made it through a whole day of work. Now granted I was a little scatterbrained but I did it. Hubby is staying in touch with what is going on with his dad through his uncle ... that works for now. We've been through difficult times like this before ... we'll be okay. Hubby is very tired ... he didn't sleep much last night. I slept ... 'okay' ... Taking your advice I am working on quieting my mind, slowing down, being kind to myself ... and my hubby ... I don't understand but that's okay. It doesn't really matter.
16 Mar 10 by member: madaboutmoose
|
okay ... no problem ... Info ... I shall make them disappear!! Even if I 'misunderstood' you I'm sure we'd figure it out!! Sleep tight my friend!!
16 Mar 10 by member: madaboutmoose
|
Just got out of staff meeting and someone brought Lime Pie!!! ARGHHH!!! I ate a piece!!! DOUBLE ARGHHHH!!! Ooooooh .... it was tart and tasty!!! LOL!!! Now I'm green on the inside too!!
17 Mar 10 by member: madaboutmoose
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
madaboutmoose's weight history
|