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***Dawn is Sad and is writing about it. RAYOR***
Not in a good space today. I'm not sure what is going on with me. i think it might just be a bunch of stuff snowballed into one. I hate this feeling of just.......yucky-ness.
This is my last full week of school and I'm SO glad. I have a big test today and a big paper due tomorrow. I have the paper done, thankfully and have been studying for the test. I hope I do good on both. i think a part of this feeling of CRAP is I'm worried about my grades. I know logically they will be good, as I have been doing good all year....but i always fear the worst. I don't want to let anyone down..... I don't want to let myself down. =(
I'm still struggling with home issues with my GF and my dad. I don't even know what to say about that. It's hard trying to make 2 people happy ALL of the time. Sometimes i feel like I'm just going and going and I have no time to stop. That I just have to keep busy to keep everything afloat. I'm trying to help my dad out of his depression and help my Gf with her issues and sometimes i feel like my stuff just isn't important. NOT that is something new. But it just gets hard sometimes. I hate laying in bed at night wishing I had someone to talk too....when I SHOULD have someone to talk too....MY GF....but i always feel so bad telling her about my stuff because we just went through 2 years of my crap.......I guess sometimes I just feel like my stuff isn't important.
I also feel like maybe I don't deserve someone to really care about my stuff. Like when am I going to grow up and deal with everything? I'm trying so hard, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that. Does that even make any sense??
I'm having a real hard time sleeping lately. Not that I have ever had a GOOD time sleeping...I know it's because I'm not at peace inside my head. I just don't know how to FIND that peace.
I try to motivate and encourage and help everyone around me. Maybe I'm doing to much of that for other people and not enough for myself. i DO do that for myself too. But maybe not enough.
I'm not making any sense.
I just know I'm sad. and I hate this feeling. I know I'm not going to be happy happy joy joy every day. But this feeling has been with me for a while now. I can't relax. I'm becoming overly critical of myself again and I hate it. I look in the mirror and see myself the way I used to be. 375 and fat and frumpy and just UGLY.
Maybe it's just because I'm stressed out about school. I don't know.
Good things? I've lost over 100 lbs. I'm healthy and have a roof over my head. I'm done with my first semester of school and should get good grades. I'm not homeless or cold or without food. I have a wonderful Gf that loves me and my dad will be here for Christmas for the first time in over 10 years. these are all wonderful things.
So then why am I so freaking sad????
Why do I feel like a big freaking loser that can't do anything right?
yeah, i know, suck it up and keep moving. be happy for what I have as many others have much less. i KNOW these things.
If you took the time to read this crap, thank you. This is what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I thought if maybe I got it OUT...it would help. =(
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 Comments
Understand completely; it's frustrating to battle the negative crap that loops in the brain. I don't have an answer, but the ranting helps me a lot, honestly, so I think you pouring your feelings out here is better than bottling it in and having a 'suck it up,' moment (I tell myself much worse, btw.) I blame hormones, chemical imbalances, etc for my depression/sadness problems, because no matter how good my life is, my brain still sneaks those thoughts in. The only true certainty, is uncertainty. Wait it out; counteract it with positive thinking as best you can and learn to confide in those you love regardless of your not wanting to- I personally don't think it's healthy to think you can't talk to your GF long term, it'll strain you both like secrets or lies. Remember, you are always important and it will make them feel important that you trust them enough with your feelings. If it doesn't- smack them! =P (Not literally, I'm just joking... maybe.) I hope you feel better, soon! And, you'll do fine in school, no worries. ;)
12 Dec 11 by member: QuirkyNat
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Thank you for taking the time to read this Nat! and thank you so much for your comment. I think I just MIGHT smack them both!! LOL
12 Dec 11 by member: HerStrawberri
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You know, Dawn, sometimes that's when depression hits the hardest - when we look at our lives objectively and list all these wonderful things we have and enjoy, and yet we are still depressed. Then we feel guilty for feeling depressed, which sometimes worsens the feelings of depression. I'd say it's "normal"... but that would sound strange. I think it's typical. And besides, stress and feelings of helplessness (trying to appease everyone) and the holidays with all the expectations of merriment, family togetherness, all that crap - adds to these feelings. You really aren't that much different inside your head than many of us. You're just much better at verbalizing things! lol..
12 Dec 11 by member: redwinelover
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You sound like your feeling really overwhelmed! We all get that way sometimes and you do deserve to be heard and your problems are just as improtant as anyone elses. You cant hold stuff in it will drive you mad! I hope you have a great holiday with your Dad, I wish I still had mine! HUGGGSSS
12 Dec 11 by member: fatgirlagain
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Dawn,I'm fifty years old and I still go through what you're going through,we all do at some point in our lives.I'm still deciding if i want to move down to Alabama by myself and start a new life at fifty years old.I don't even know anyone there! Stress is what is bothering you,Dad,GF,school,diet,everything.Once one or two of those factors shift,you'll feel the difference and the weight will come off.Do you have a gym where you go to school where you could walk if it's cold outside? Maybe some serious fast walking can burn some of that stress off to manageable levels.
14 Dec 11 by member: 83JEN
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Hope your day get's better dawn. Maybe you just need a break ... you know, some Dawn time. Hugs from here too!
14 Dec 11 by member: Helewis
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Such great advise above from everyone as usual you definitely do need some Dawn time LOl....but I think one big thing you said trying to make other people happy, that is one thing I have learned over my many years...I can't make other people happy I can only make me happy....you are not responsible for anyone happiness.....I also think sometimes we try and take over their problems which in turn adds to our being unhappy, so rather a vicious circle....so break that circle.... You know you will probably always stress about tests and classes....so that is just a fact for you......Happier Days ahead for you.
14 Dec 11 by member: Yvonne19
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