tempest_spirit's Journal, 12 February 2016

I very seriously doubt my Fat Tuesday (done on Wednesday) caused the gain, although I suppose it's possible. I'm thinking high sodium and water retention are the culprits at the moment. I will weigh in again in a couple of days and see if that's the case.

In the meantime, I was back on track for food yesterday, not so much yet on exercise. Tonight I go in for a Plasma Donation, which generally leaves me feeling pretty wiped out afterwards. But I will get my walk in over lunch.

I finally broke down and bought myself some clothes last night. Something someone else on here said prompted me to it. They said they might as well be comfortable on their journey, and then reward themselves with smaller clothes when they get there. I got a few new outfits for the office, without spending an exorbitant amount of money. (10dollarmall.com rocks, just sayin'.)

I have this thing about buying clothes. I very rarely ever buy anything new for myself. I grew up pretty poor, so most of the clothing I've owned in my life has been second hand. Even now I have friends at the office who clean out their closets and give me clothes. Whatever doesn't fit me, now fits my girls. But I now outweigh most of my wardrobe.

I was the oldest child for the most part. Now I'm a mom. I am stuck in this mentality that everyone else comes first, and my needs come last, and well if they don't get met, then that's just part of it. I've learned not to consider myself a priority. It's bred frustration and resentment, then eventually resignation. I got out of that mode a couple of years ago when I made it down to 165 or so. But I of course fell back into it.

I'm learning to prioritize my care. It's had the positive effect of showing my now tween and teen children that, hey, mom's a human being too, and as human beings we each get to say we need some time, or some money, or some energy to invest in ourselves, not at the expense of anyone else, but in the hopes that we can all work better as a team.

I've resisted working out in the living room, because my children, in their ignorance, have made fun of my weight in the past. My husband would not do that, but I still find I am thoroughly embarrassed at the idea of working out in front of him. I was shocked a few days ago when my 15 year old told me she wanted to start working out with me. Now we just have to carve out some time. And I flat told the kids I would be happy to exercise with them, but they are not allowed to laugh at me. It's my own insecurity, but it is a pretty vulnerable spot for me, being laughed at by the people I love the most.

The new bed is awesome. I slept pretty well, although I will have to get used to the adjustable base vs. sleeping on a flat surface. And I can't wait to get down to the rec center to get our memberships.

At the moment, things look promising, and I feel like I may finally have the tools to make this stick this time. Time will tell. Someone please remind me of my optimism when my discouragement hits again.

189.8 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 54.8 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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1805 kcal

Fat: 89.42g | Prot: 72.46g | Carb: 178.56g.   Breakfast: Dry Roasted Cashew Nuts, Nature Made Super B-Complex, Equate Women's One Daily, Frigo Natural String Cheese Part Skim, Blackberries, Harris Teeter Blueberries, Coffee with Cream and Sugar. Lunch: Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers Sweet & Spicy Orange Zest Chicken. Snacks/Other: Frigo Natural String Cheese Part Skim, Cupcake with Icing, Old Wisconsin Beef Stick, Starbucks Caramel Brulee Latte (Tall). more...

3018 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Showering - 15 minutes, Stair Climber (Stepper) - 5 minutes, Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 15 minutes, Abdominal (Sit Ups) - 5 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 4 hours, Standing - 30 minutes, Housework - 20 minutes, Driving - 1 hour, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 30 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours and 45 minutes. more...