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I have a tenuous relationship with my bathroom scale. There was a period, a brief period, where it was encouraging, but more often than not it yells at me and calls me fat. I tend to avoid it since I know it's going to be mean.
I've always maintained that no matter what you look like, there is someone out there that wishes they could look like you. It's a piece of advice I've given in the past, I just never seem to absorb. My goal as of late is to just be comfortable in my own skin. Even though I have fitness goals in mind, I'm trying to not beat myself up for not being there yet and to be happy with what I have done so far. There is a difference between being complacent and being content. I'm really striving for the latter without succumbing to the former. I'm not giving up on my goals, but I'm trying to appreciate where I've come on the journey.
With this new endeavor, I have tried to enjoy life a little more and not necessarily deprive myself of things other people get to enjoy. "Are you going to the break room for co-worker's birthday cupcakes?" "I'm making pasta with dinner tonight. Did you want some?" "I got you this cookie, Daddy. Are you going to eat it?" In the past I would have tried to gracefully decline these requests without being socially off putting, but lately I've said, "You know what? Why not. Sure." Turns out food tastes better when you don't add your own guilt to it.
Perhaps being more accepting of myself has given me some renewed confidence, some extra drive and ambition. In the gym, I have never benched this heavy, squatted this much, or even curled weights as heavy as I am now. I've received some kind, unsolicited compliments and comments from people. "So just how much can you bench?" "Are you training for a competition?" "Hey there, 'Hulk'. Doesn't this guy look like the Hulk?" This has aided my self-assuredness and given me the resolve to revisit the bathroom scale. Maybe it will say that I'm doing something right this time. Maybe it will show that I have finally found the answer to reaching my goals. Maybe it will have good news and say that I've actually lost weight.
This is literally the heaviest I have ever been at. I am honestly not trying to cross 300lb, but this is the closest I've ever come to it. Normally this is where I fall into a never-ending shame spiral, the world turns black and white, sad piano music plays, and I picture everyone's impression of me is that of a failure. However, considering everything that has led up to now, I feel more confused than depressed. I "feel" good. I feel happy. The bathroom mirror doesn't fat-shame me as I brush my teeth. I just don't think I can trust the scale any more to gauge what I'm doing right any more.
Diet Calendar Entry for 21 July 2015:
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1566 kcal
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Fat: 59.99g | Prot: 221.68g | Carb: 28.04g.
Breakfast: MusclePharm Combat Powder - Cookies 'N' Cream, Hard-Boiled Egg, Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter. Lunch: Chicken Breast (Skin Not Eaten), Macadamia Nuts, Chicken Breast (Skin Not Eaten), MusclePharm Combat Powder - Cookies 'N' Cream. more...
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