mjl1961's Journal, 04 June 2015

My best guess?...just what you said...there may be a part Of you, way down deep that is "afraid " to succeed..... Think about that...and celebrate "being back on .track"!!!!!!!  

I did that too first time through (last year prior to a stupid 'bodybuilding bulk'). It's the same as procrastination. We do it because there's a reward. A goal accomplished means you're done? Not on your life. Figure out now what you'll do with the new you and use the diet to support that goal. Keep building. 

For me, it's part of giving up an identity. I've been the fat friend. I've been the one that had to pass on this or that due to health or weight. The other night, actually last night, three of us were talking at the end of the hall about some professional cross-fitters that were trying to run in a race and backed off to walking at some point. I was shocked. I can run for more than 10 mins at a time now. Me. Still at around 280 pounds can move me and all my jigglies longer than these professionals. It's a weird concept. I still can't accept that somehow I'm stronger than those people. It doesn't jive with the mindset. Getting to that goal in the end, means that on a logical point, you are truly, no longer that person. But who are you? Sure, you are who you are and who you have been. But underneath the weight, the slings, and pains of having been overweight in a fat shaming society, who is that? Bigger question: Are you ready to be the person without the shell, the protective layer separating you from the rest of the world, even though it may be a painful separation? These are the things that go through my head as to why I sometimes become resistant to the process. 

For me, as I've lost a lot of weight and gotten closer to my goal - I feel better, look better, and get many compliments from people I see. That's all good stuff but it can make me get complacent and happy for the time being with where I'm at. So I have to look hard and honestly at myself, realize I'm not there yet and get re-motivated to push harder. Maybe this is a scary visual, lol, but standing naked in front of a large mirror helps. Can't hide the lumps, bumps, or love handles when you're not wearing anything.  

Thank you all for your support. Each and everyone of you made complete sense. Thank you :)