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Hello FS peeps! I delve into the carbs this morning so I hope that doesn't backfire later, but if it does it won't be the end of the world.
My loss is slow, steady and exactly how I want it to be, but sometimes I do get discouraged. In the back of my mind I know who I used to be, and I struggle with whether I'm still her. The seemingly beautiful, confident me. I know what I look like now, and it's so different I don't see myself as...myself. I never saw myself as anything but ugly even when I was thin and healthy. I am ashamed of this. (Really baring all in this post today.) And that makes me sad at times like when I'm shopping for clothes, and the clothes I really like don't fit me right anymore. I have no waist now, no neck and my arms, well we just won't go there today. I long for my "cute" days again, and I then spiral into a pit.
I think if these curses I have brought upon myself then I count my blessings. 1.Shopping for clothes I realize, I will NOT be this size forever. I will again be healthy and no longer unhealthy, but this does not happen overnight. 2.I have a dependable car that got to me to the clothing store with my 3.little girl who is as healthy as she can be. 4.By changing my habits now in front of her she gets to see the bad, better and best me. 5.I can be her example for both sides now so maybe, just maybe she will not be tempted to let herself go when she is an adult but rather always see the "now bad me" in the back of her mind, and how unhealthy I am and think to herself,"Mama was not happy like that."
I used to try and tell myself that I was beautiful now matter what my weight is, but being beautiful and healthy are two different things for me right now. I realize that now, and not everyone is like this. I know a lot of women who never have been small, and they are absolutely gorgeous and healthy. They don't struggle with the issues I do, and I am smaller than they are. For some reason, I am not that type of body. I don't know if it's my joints, genes or what, but I can't handle it. I have to work and work hard to be healthy. Forget the beautiful for now, I need to be healthy. That's my focus. That will be my end result. The beautiful, pretty, cute, whatever part will hopefully come as a byproduct of my health, but I am no longer consumed with the vanity of my looks. I will be,however, be consumed with my blessings today, and what will become because of them, not stuck in my pit that I have dug for myself.
Diet Calendar Entry for 07 April 2015:
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1788 kcal
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Fat: 75.23g | Prot: 66.36g | Carb: 251.64g.
Breakfast: Kellogg's Pop-Tarts Frosted - Chocolate Chip, Coffee, Bananas. Lunch: Kroger reduced sodium manzanilla olives, Smithfield Spiral Sliced Smoked Ham, Sara Lee Honey Wheat Bread, Alouette Creme Spreadable Cheese - Creme de Brie Original, Ritz Whole Wheat Crackers, Kraft American Cheese Slice, Great Value Light Mayonnaise. Dinner: Krystal The Famous Krystal. more...
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