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I am almost at the completion of phase one. In a matter of a day or two i will be under 200 pounds for the first time in years. I am excited because this is the smallest i've ever been in a really long time.
There is another part of me though that i call the Critic, which is a little voice telling me its not good enough, there is no difference, no matter what i will aways have the web of stretch marks covering my body or im going to have saggy skin around my tummy,arms and thighs and therefore will always look hideous. I won't be able to maintain the weight and will probably gain it all back.
The voice of the Critic has served me in many ways, it has pushed me to be stronger, do better, work harder but it's also the part that is presently killing my self esteem. Low self esteem for me snowballs into unhappiness, dissatisfaction with self and finally self-loathing. The main issue is that when i am in a spiral of self-hate, it feels like i can't do anything to affect my outward self, so why bother or try to exercise or eat healthy ? Healthy eating and exercising are in my mind a higher form of self-love. I love myself enough that i desire to take care of myself and heal my body. Self-loathing kinda topples that over.
My challenge for the week is to mute the Critic. No i am not going to bury it because it pushes me to do and succeed in things i thought i could never do, but different situations call for a different set of mental tools. This weeks tools is all about Love. Looking at all the perceived flaws and recognizing the real beauty it is.
My stretch marks, yes they may cover my arms, sides, thighs, shoulders and tummy like web work but now i would like to look at them like my warpaint or my battle scars. Each one created at a difficult point in my life which i have pulled through. They are a testament to my ability to pull through anything, whenever i look at them from now on they will remind me of how strong i really am and how i can face anything that comes my way.
Whats your beautiful imperfection ?
Diet Calendar Entries for 25 April 2011:
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1012 kcal
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Fat: 19.11g | Prot: 148.78g | Carb: 59.04g.
Breakfast: Roasted Garlic Teriyaki Marinade & Sauce, Fajita mix, coon cheddar, fage, Garden Tendrils and Salad Mix, basa fish, ground chicken breast. Lunch: pura, raw oat bran, Equal Sweeteners (Aspartame) Packets, Natural Unsweetened Cocoa. more...
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2384 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 50 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
Congratulations on getting below 200! That's really an amazing milestone. Also, your self-awareness is really impressive. It sounds like you're doing this diet the right way- by changing your attitude about yourself as you go along. I genuinely believe that without introspection and inner-change, weight loss efforts won't stick. You seem motivated to make changes on both counts, though, so I'm confident that you'll be able to maintain.
My weight loss demons are slightly different, though I suspect they might have similar roots. I've had trouble with my weight for as long as I can remember- to the point that my size has formed a part of my identity. In past diets, I always seem to reach a point where more weight loss provokes anxiety, because, in my head, I'm not a 'thin' person. It's odd, but there's almost something comforting about insecurity related to my body. That's something that I'll have to work on as this diet progresses.
Good luck, and keep up the good work!
25 Apr 11 by member: pnoble2
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I agree, that is an amazing milestone, I haven't seen the under side of 200 lbs myself in over 10 years, but I intend to get there myself. You hang in there, and exercise those deamons both mentally and physically. We all have them, any one of us who has lost weight before only to gain it all back and then some. But we can't let those deamons rule our lives, that is the past. You are doing a great job.
My beautiful imperfection is my "Love Handles"... First of all, who ever named them that should be shot. They have been my constant companion, think or thin, LOL, my whole life. I have no affection for them in the least, let alone love. But they are what they are, and I may just decide to let the doctor fix, what I can't when I get down to my goal, we shall see.
25 Apr 11 by member: pakalika
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