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It has been suggested/ expressed to me that one of my issues is not allowing myself to value successes. It's really hard for me to feel worthwhile about some things though. I can see that yeah I managed to avoid doing one or two bad things here and there, but I am still so far from my goal, I am still so far from doing well that it just seems like I am not getting there fast enough and I don't know if I can actually make it through. Resisting non nutritive or overly dense carbs feels like hell most of the time.
(Sunday my DH and I had lunch with another young family from our church. We ended up having lunch at a bagel place and it felt like torture trying to keep myself from eating the remainder of the bagel my DH had deliberately not eaten. I ate my own bagel sandwich too fast, plus I was sharing it with my daughter, so I felt really deprived and frustrated. I didn't want to fuss in front of my friends so I just pouted on the inside. I kept trying to encourage my daughter to eat in part so I didn't have to see it in front of me anymore. In typical preschooler fashion she was easily distracted and torn between eating and playing, so much of the time the bagel pieces were just sitting there on the wrapper practically mocking me. The knowledge that a bagel is about 300 calories is one of the few things holding me back. I knew I couldn't afford to indulge like that, besides the fact that I had already overindulged myself on many occasions the previous week.)
I feel like I am fighting tooth and nail just to not lose ground; everyday it's like I am trying to avoid failing- usually unsuccessfully- instead of having another chance to succeed. It's a lousy mindset. I know that, but it's so bloody familiar. Familiar is so hard to resist. BLARGH! I'm almost certain that my journal is mostly filled with journal entries like this, practically whining that I am struggling to make the status quo. I know that nutrition is not the only area that this mentality applies to; it's been a lifelong theme.
I don't think I've ever really felt 'good enough' just as I am. I've always felt the compulsion to overachieve. When I was a child I seriously saw myself as inferior to my peers/ subhuman. I believed the only way I could 'redeem' myself, to justify being simply being among my peers, let alone being acceptable to or amidst my peers, was to out perform them. I strived to find some area where I was elite in order to do so. This was also what I felt was necessary to earn acceptance from my mom. I am the eldest of 6 kids and I longed to stand out favorably and be affirmed by her; however, she wasn't able to do this.
No matter how I tried it looked like I could never make it. I never made straight A's. I never had perfect attendance. I wanted to be perfect. I desperately wanted that to compensate for whatever issues/ characteristics I had that made me inferior so that I could be 'good enough'. Knowing that I couldn't be perfect only brought anguish. I couldn't accept that reality, or that 'my best' is going to be not as good as other kids/people even in areas that I had higher than average aptitude. What did it matter if I was 'above average', what did it matter if I could get As and Bs or Os and Ss, it wasn't enough.
I remember learning about cognitive behavioral therapy in psych class when I was in college, among other areas where it came up. I know that my thoughts can change my feelings and my feelings can change my actions and my actions can change my circumstances. Momentarily it's a battle. Anything contrary to these maladaptive, detrimental convictions I've held onto seems anemic in light of the overwhelming force of these ideas that assault my mind. I get tired and lazy often as it is an exercise in persistence and vigilance to change my thoughts and feelings. It takes so much energy, the notion that I am bound to fail just saps me of energy almost immediately.
The environment has changed, though no matter where I go I still have to deal with myself. I no longer struggle with school. Instead there's guilt that I lost financial aid eligibility in college because of my pride and disorganization. I wouldn't heed my counselors' advice to take one class at a time. Truth be told I didn't know how to prioritize so that I felt secure doing that. I'd see several classes that were required or that I wanted to take as electives and couldn't choose between and deluded myself into thinking I could handle it all when past experience showed otherwise. I wanted to be able to keep up with my peers. It didn't help that one of my friends was like I wanted to be. She would take 17 or 18 credits in a semester in addition to working at least part time. She was an icon to me, she was my vision of success, but I couldn't keep up with her. I can't blame her for my folly. I made those choices, not her. I have to remember to stop making excuses. I made a mistake and I reaped the consequences thereof.
There is also the shame of not having as much job experience as my peers, not being as qualified as my peers. Or also the awareness of how I struggle with consistency in basic tasks. It shouldn't be a big deal to get to appointments on time. It's mindnumbingly simple. Plan ahead. Anticipate delays along the way so don't wait until the cut off point to start moving. Do I do this, usually not. I hate that. I know it's disrespectful. I don't want to be the person people can always count on to be late and unprepared, and yet most of the time I am.
I am annoyed with myself that the house usually isn't as tidy as I think I should keep it. Who wants to be surrounded by a mess? Who enjoys coming home and seeing stuff on the floor, loose piles of papers scattered on table tops, counters and shelves, dishes and other clutter? It's a demoralizing kind of environment. It's not surprising how what is outside us influences what's inside us. I know that I feel sloppy, I feel like a mess, I feel ashamed of myself when my surroundings look messy.
The idea that my 'inbox' will never be empty just doesn't register the way it should in my mind. I feel like laundry is my rock of Sisyphus. I have this conviction in my mind still that it is possible to finish the laundry. Even if for only one glorious hour I know it's possible to not have laundry piled up. Somehow- as with most things- I get 85% done, maybe even 99% done, and I just stop pushing forward. Then progress unwinds because there are new dishes to wash, new meals to cook, new clothes to launder, new messes to pick up, and I feel disdain for myself that I was so close and I let things slip again.
A lot of times I know what I need to do, and yet I don't do it. It is entirely irrational. I am reminded of the same feeling when I try to do wide angle pull ups during my work out. I think of them more as 'wide angle drops'. I know how to do it. I know I need to jump off the stand so that I can start holding my weight up. I know I need to do this and though I am reluctant to do so I hear my mind telling my body to move, but I don't move. There's a disconnect. My will is divided and my conscious will to succeed is overpowered by my fear and reluctance to experience failure. I wish I had Edison's mindset where he said, 'I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.'
Diet Calendar Entries for 02 February 2011:
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1561 kcal
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Fat: 29.21g | Prot: 120.12g | Carb: 209.07g.
Breakfast: cottage cheese 2% breakstone, Raisins (Seedless), Apples, almonds, Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal, banana, Egg White, land o lakes unsalted sweet cream butter, Disraeli & Gladstone Whole Wheat British Muffins. Lunch: egg white, Cranberry wild rice pilaf, artesian lettuce, Applegate farms oven roasted turkey, Cottage Cheese (Lowfat 1% Milkfat). Dinner: Zesty Apple Miso Barbecue Marinade Sauce, Normandy Style Vegetable Blend, Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast, Sweet Potato and Apricot Casserole. Snacks/Other: swiss miss, orange, egg white, Low Moisture Part Skim Shredded Mozzarella Cheese, Trader Joe's whole wheat sandwich slims. more...
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1926 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 30 minutes, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 10 minutes, Hiking - 30 minutes, Cooking - 45 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 5 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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