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When I first came to faith, one of the first Biblical authors that I would read was Sha'ul/ Paul of Tarsus. Every time I read his epistles I feel blown away. I sense a kindred spirit who knows what I'm going through but is farther ahead than I am. I see a mentor. I feel like I get a lot of what he says because I see a lot of similarities despite the striking distinctions separating us. For the majority of my walk my mantra has been one of his statements,
"For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do,
that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do."
I can't help but feel more than a little frustrated that he seems to bridge the gap from this point to where I want to be so readily.
"O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body
of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with
the flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now no
condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] who do not
walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For
the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free
from the law of sin and death."
Come on, Paul! You've described in the span of 17 verses a dramatic change that I am only beginning to see after 8 YEARS! I want to be where you are, but I am going so slowly.
I realize somewhat that the greater the salvation, the greater the boldness. People who've come out of awful things like abuse and addiction, who know that they chose their prior path and deserve no mercy and yet know they have been chosen to receive mercy nonetheless have that unwavering conviction and boldness to say things as they are.
Me? I see a coward. I see someone that those things are true of, yet I lack the boldness usually and that grates on me.
I know the principles that I should be focused on, but this feeling of inadequacy that has haunted me as long/ far back as I can remember is really distracting. Blargh! :(
It's not all bad. I know I've grown a lot, but I just don't want to settle for this when I can be better. It's going to take time. I just have to slow down. I have to be patient, deliberate, and stay in the moment without running off into the future through fantasies or the past through memories and/or regrets. I tell you the truth, NONE of that comes naturally to me, but I will do it. I may fail multiple times, but I still will do it as long as I have breath in me. Just feeling a little restless now.
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