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I'm fat.
Always have been, and I suspect (to a different degree) always will be. I'm somewhat fine with that. What I'm completely NOT fine with is how unhealthy I've become. I can blame it on my sedentary lifestyle, not wanting to join anything that might be beneficial because I feel I'll be looked at or talked about or laughed at. I can blame the stress of life, or set an "I'll start walking as soon as the weather is better" goal, but the bottom line is I'm good at making excuses and thinking ahead, and while I do all of those things I don't think twice about the large portions I'm consuming, or how even though it's an entire bag of crackers, at least it's not an entire bag of chips, or "no, that massive portion of food I ate a 5, right before you got home wasn't dinner, hubby. I'm going to have a second dinner with you for social reasons (and because that pizza looks good) and just forget about the mid-afternoon "snack" I consumed.
I'm very good at it.
I'm also very good at tricking myself into thinking that just because I'm a vegetarian, that must mean I'm healthy.
Newsflash. Last time I checked, cake didn't have meat in it.
Time for a reality check.
•I'm 4 pounds away from the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
•I'm not a healthy vegetarian. If anything, I'm a carbohydrate/dairy-itarian.
•I can pretend I don't all I want, but I STRONGLY have body image issues.
•I put too much thought into what other people must be thinking of me and not enough thought into getting healthy.
•I feel I should hide myself away until I "get it under control."
•Even with MASSIVE support from friends and family, I feel lost.
•I know I need to take responsibility for my actions, but I would not turn down someone telling me "ok, this is what you have to eat, this is how you have to work out. Do not deviate."
•Last year I spent a lot of time on Tumblr, cruising body positive blogs and coming across that weird place on the internet where a line was crossed...There's body positive, and "healthy at any weight" that I fully support, and then there's the extremists. It took me a while to sort out what I was seeing and come to terms with the fact that there truly are people out there at any size that are happy with their bodies.
•I advocate health at any size. A lot of my fear comes from feeling I'm not physically fit enough to do something...but if I start regularly working out and feel I can run a marathon at 250 pounds, I will. I shy away because at my current weight and fitness level, I would probably have a heart attack.
I want this journal to be a place to let it all out. I'm hoping that mentally I can get on track to a healthier body image and stop caring so much about what other people think of me participating in healthy activities and more about what I want to be doing with my time and energy. I want to find activities that I like and set goals for myself that I actually want to work towards.
Here is to taking that first step.
Diet Calendar Entries for 26 March 2013:
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2586 kcal
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Fat: 61.39g | Prot: 90.37g | Carb: 438.63g.
Breakfast: Skim or Nonfat Milk (Calcium Fortified), Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Lunch: Bananas (Large). Dinner: Marble Cheese, Onions, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Pickles, Mustard, Mayonnaise, Kaiser Roll. Snacks/Other: Pop Up Bowl - Movie Theater Butter, Frozen Strawberries, Frozen Peach Unsweetened, Blueberries, Orange Juice, Vanilla Yogurt (Lowfat). more...
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3680 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 30 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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