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Today I had a chat with sis and I think that will help me keep myself honest. I am going to try to--I need to figure out how to enter my food on this site in an effort to be honest with myself. I am trying to watch my portions and realize what I am putting in my mouth. In talking to MM I realize that I am have been pretending and lying to myself when I think I can just sort of eat sort of healthy and not be active and the weight will drop off. When I was at my "thinnest" before, as I was thinking about today, I was going to curves, swimming, walking, eating sb, and working. Now I can't be bothered to leave the house half the time. That is not ok. And eating veggies is not going drop 20, no 30 pounds that I need to lose. So talking about it hopefully will help and reading more entries and figuring out how this site works will hopefully help. I think about how I felt after my interview on Friday--just confident and secure and excited about the future, and it's those times that I just think, "That is who I am, this body does not represent the ECM that's inside." And then I get frustrated because I have been "cheating" or eating like a fat kid or not excercising and I just think why why why why couldn't you have had some will power, and then I feel like a fatty and go get something to eat. That trend is DONE. I think I have reached a level in this job search thing, in this post pc readjustment thing, that instead of a challenge sending me downward, I will go the other way, and a challenge will make me go forward. Today I guess I realized something has to give, because whatever I have been doing is not working. That's confirmed. So why not try something different, admit to myself that I am over weight, that I don't like to be in this body, and I don't like how it makes me feel and think and spiral down, how it makes me go glass-half-empty about certain things when I am the biggest glass-half-full girl ever. I just want a little improvement. I want to break into the 160's, or to see some of the belly roll go down. Or to have my pants feel a little bit looser. So I will be honest with myself this week and write all of my food down, and just get more active. And I know once I start I'll feel better. I don't want another event to pass by that I said, "I'll be 'skinny' for that." only to still be--well, not skinny. I am ready to take "lose weight" off my list of things to do. You'd think I would have crossed it off after 15 years. I just want to be done with worrying about it so I can focus on the good and the great that is in my life, which is a lot.
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