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Motivation's a funny thing...
10 years ago I was diagnosed with a disorder which ended a promising music career before it could truly begin. Having lost the only thing that mattered to me I spiraled out into depression.
7 years ago I, within the space of a month, had a fiancee leave me for reasons still unknown, had a business partner screw me out of what I saw as my last chance to make an actual difference in the world, and ended up working for the only company who would hire me: an ISP I'd really only known about beforehand due to a child pornography scandal.
I spiraled out again. Only this time I went down /hard/. As to where my friends and family were? My network of friends had dissolved earlier that year for other reasons and my family..well..
The best I can gather so far as they go is that I'm a source of constant disappointment which is better left hidden and ignored than it is addressed....
Within a year I gained damn near 150 pounds. I'd already begun gaining weight because, well, going from performing to IT meant a massive drop in activity but with the new job, the isolation (some, but not entirely self-imposed), and the depression the majority of it came on in that first year there. The weight came on so fast my body is a maze of stretch marks.
I knew I had to do something but, what was the motivation?
Should I do it for the people I love? No. Friends come and go and my family has made it clear that they just. don't. care.
To live longer? I've been basically committing suicide by food. Living longer wasn't a motivation to quit smoking, it's certainly not a motivation to lose weight. Even with making changes for the positive it'll be a long time before I look at living past 40 as anything more than a chore.
To make myself more attractive? Nah. To be honest I never really cared about that. Dating is something of a non-priority for me since experience tells me I have extremely poor choice in women.
No. So far as I'm concerned anyone who thinks I need those as motivation can get bent. I'm not going to do this for the people who abandoned me, I'm not going to do this so I can continue in a career I hate (and which has been contributing to my slowly killing myself).
I'm going to do this for purely stupid, selfish, shallow reasons.
I'm going to do this because I want to be able to fit on a roller coaster again.
I'm going to do this so I can have a sense of style beyond "these are the clothes that will fit me"
I'm going to do this so I can walk and converse at the same time.
I'm going to do this so I can do simple things like tie my shoes, and sit on the ground without my ponderous gut getting in the way.
I'm going to do this so I can go to a show and actually run in the circle pit (because moshing is the only dancing with doing).
I'm going to do this so I can fit through a septa turnstyle.
I'm going to do this because I've watched the list of things I enjoy doing and am still able to do dwindle to nothing while the list of "crap I do instead which enforces an unhealthy lifestyle and continues my inevitable journey towards becomes X-Men's Blob" increase steadily.
I'm going to do this because music photography is a hell of a lot easier when you can actually do things like jump on the stage w/o looking like a beached whale.
I'm going to do this because I want to have /some/ kind of accomplishment in my adult life which isn't "I managed to get through X without giving into the suicidal thoughts"
I'm going to do this because I deserve to be fucking happy and the only person who cares about /that/ goal is me.
Diet Calendar Entries for 11 August 2012:
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2304 kcal
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Fat: 54.74g | Prot: 155.32g | Carb: 295.46g.
Breakfast: banana, omega oil, skim milk, frozen mixed berries, Muscle Milk Light Powder. Lunch: Almond milk, Spring Mix, Dijon Mustard with White Wine, Natural Shredded Reduced Fat made with 2% Milk Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Jewish Rye Bread - Seedless, Beef Flank (Lean Only, Trimmed to 0" Fat). Dinner: Extra Lean Ground Beef, Old World Style Traditional Pasta Sauce, PLUS Thin Spaghetti Multigrain. Snacks/Other: Frozen Mixed Berries, Milk (Nonfat) , Muscle Milk Light Powder, Bananas . more...
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6106 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Exercise machine (moderate) - 15 minutes, Bicycling (moderate) - 13/mph - 15 minutes, Desk Work - 13 hours and 30 minutes, Resting - 4 hours, Sleeping - 6 hours. more...
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