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I love my husband. I love my son. I love my family. That said, I very nearly lost it this weekend. I think I'm still not sure how to feel about everything that happened.
My son is not my biological son. He is my stepson. I have no legal right to him if my husband and I get divorced though I have been his mom since he was 2. His mother is deceased and has been since he was 2 months old. He never really knew her. When I think about the prospect of my family falling apart, I can feel my heart breaking.
I think my husband has mental issues. Not like unstable mentally, but maybe a little schizophrenic. I never know who I'm going to wake up to completely. I didn't realize he was this way. It's getting a little worse. I don't know what he wants from me. He wants things one way one day, and a completely different way the next.
He came out of nowhere this weekend with needing "me time".. which I'm okay with. I mean, I don't understand where he's coming from when he is the one who has smothered me for so long in our marriage. Apparently, he feels like I'm suffocating him now. I see him for less than an hour on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. We take our son to football practice on Thursday after he gets off of work at 5. We see each other after he gets off work on Friday for a few hours (Every other week, we are at cub scouts). The only day we really spend together is Saturday, and up until this week, I was working Saturday nights. I would get home at 7:45 a.m. and sleep until about noon on Sunday when we'd spend 4-5 hours together before I went back to work. I don't understand where he's coming from. We don't see each other all that much.
He just got extremely belligerent accusing me of never giving him alone time. He said I turn everything into a "F*ing family function". We're a family. Aren't we supposed to do things as a family?
I don't know how to feel about this. He said he needed time to THINK about things. I told him if he was thinking about leaving, he needed to man-up and tell me. I will survive without him. I don't want to not be with him, but I know I'm very capable of it. He told me he didn't know what he wanted, but he needed time to think. This was all Monday right before I went to work. Yay me!
I called my friend, Ali, from TX. I asked her if she minded having a house guest for a couple of days. I'm off Thursday - Saturday night. I was going to leave as soon as I got home Thursday, but I decided to leave Friday after I put my buddy on the bus. I don't want to leave him for too long. He will get off the bus Friday at my friend's house and he goes to his grandparents house for the weekend at 5, so he will only miss half an hour of time with me. I don't really want to drive 8.5 hours by myself, but I really don't want to be with him right now.
He came home from work yesterday (Tuesday) and told me that he had done a lot of thinking and he really wanted to make our marriage work because he loved me with his whole heart. I am his whole world. He asked me if we could get over this.
I didn't answer right away. I told him we'll see. I don't get how he just pulls the rug out from under me constantly. He just flips things. When we first met, I had a very active social life. He whined and demanded that I spend more time with him and our son because I was "ALWAYS" with my friends. (I saw them 2-3 times a week). He accused me of neglecting them to be with my friends. He was needy and clingy, and I felt like I had no choice. I had to choose between my friends and him. I still have my friends, but I am nowhere near as close to them. Now, I apparently am too close to him? It's confusing.
My head has just not be in it lately. I didn't eat Monday after lunch. Yesterday, I had half a can of soup and half a grilled chicken breast from a Wendy's half salad along with 2 cups of coffee. I feel a little broken and rattled.
I know I'll be fine. I mean, I am fine. I will start eating again soon. I just have so much to process.
Diet Calendar Entry for 07 September 2011:
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750 kcal
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Fat: 20.00g | Prot: 58.47g | Carb: 81.72g.
Lunch: vegetable oil, potatoes, chicken breast. Dinner: mozzarella cheese, Subway 6" Turkey Breast, Campbell's Chunky Grilled Chicken and Sausage Gumbo. Snacks/Other: granola thin. more...
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