girlygirlatheart's Journal, 26 March 2009

I'm pretending yesterday didnt happen.

I guess I can do that for only so long though....

I over ate yesterday, and I lost track of what I ate because my day was so f***ing crazy.


I came home from a meeting with my counselor, and what do I find? My parents fighting, and she has a bag packed and is leaving.
I ask her why she is leaving, and she explains that the everyday responsibilities she has as a mother are too stressful for her.
So it sounds like to me, she doesnt want to be a mother and a wife anymore.
But the funny little thing is, she doesnt do half of what she is supposed to as a mother and a wife.
She has designated herself to be the one who takes care of the finances of our family, but she really doesnt budget anything correctly. We are always behind on bills or borrowing money because she has spent money on things we dont need, or on herself. Like getting her pedicures and manicures. I understand everyone needs a little "me" or "downtime" but she over-indulges. She even sits upstairs on her computer all day, either on the phone with statefarm bitching about her cars (which are ever-so-precious to her) or watching youtube videos and surfing the web.
I am like the puppet and she is the puppeteer. If bills need to be paid, she sends me to go drop them off. If we need food, i go to the store. I do the grocery shopping, I cook, I clean, I do her laundry, I make all her meals while she sits upstairs and avoids my brothers' teachers phone calls and listens to music. She neglects her responsibility to homeschool my brothers while my dad is out traveling for business, making a living to support her and her materialistic life style.
She loves her house, her cars, her Chihuahuas, and her pretty nails.

All she ever talks about with me is how "When I was your age (20), I was working, bought my own car with my own money, had so many admirers and tall, gorgeous boyfriends, and they had such nice cars! One had a v6 mustang and it was a convertible! and we'd go for rides, and they would all tell me how thin and beautiful I was at 120 pounds. Your father's friends would always be trying to kiss me and touch me, because I was so thin and beautiful."

You know how diet magazines are always telling you how thin is never thin enough? or you can never be too skinny? Yeah, well, I live with a walking/talking diet magazine. Only, its in the body of my obese mother. How ironic is that?
My fiance has heard my mom talk about being thin and my weight, and he says, "I wouldnt f***king believe it unless I heard it coming from her, of all people! No wonder you have troubles worrying about what you eat..."
My mom is always telling my brothers and I how she's going to be 120 pounds again (she recently had gastric bypass surgery), and she's going to buy a convertible mustang for herself (with my father's hard-earned money, mind you).

My family is tired of her taking us for granted. We cater to her day and night. My father busts his ass and treats her like a queen. He gives, gives, gives and she takes, takes, takes.

I feel early symptoms of an IBS attack coming on. I feel bloated and have gas, my stomach hurts.

I'm pissed off that I overate, but half of me doesnt even care. No, wait, I do. Its more like, I am choosing to just forget it. Pretend like it didnt happen. If i dwell on it, I get depressed, and that just makes me want to binge on junk food. No! not anymore. I dont want to. I feel great being healthy, and I dont want to give it up. I wont let this stress take it from me. Today is a new day, and i will treat it like one. Yesterday was yesterday and I will leave it in the past. I'm moving on. I plan on exercising today, and I will. I'll do my cardio and my strength training and crunches. I'll eat healthfully to nourish and take care of my body.

I feel like crying, but I think its just because my eyes hurt and I am tired. Its 6:30 in the morning, and I am going back to sleep. I'm exhausted.


Ugghhhh....

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1056 kcal

Fat: 10.43g | Prot: 70.39g | Carb: 183.76g.   Breakfast: blueberries, light and fit. Lunch: starkist tuna in water, double fiber english muffin. Dinner: rotini pasta. Snacks/Other: trident, honey wheat pretzels, healthy multigrain oroweat, knudsen cottage cheese, double fiber english muffin. more...

2222 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sitting - 2 hours, Shopping - 20 minutes, Driving - 10 minutes, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 5 minutes, Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 25 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 10 hours and 50 minutes, Desk Work - 2 hours, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes. more...