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Its Friday.
Another ending to another long and stressful week.
I overate on wednesday, but I am so glad I was able to pull myself out of that yesterday. I didnt catapult myself into a downward spiral of 'self-destruct' mode, and go out on a quest for junk food.
I ate a lot of high-fiber carbs to counteract the oncoming IBS attack. And as far as exercise goes, I did what I could. It wasnt as intense or long as my normal work out, but it just made me feel better.
And despite the fact that my mom caused a huge fight yesterday, I feel much better today. I've had some time to reflect on everything.
I believe I have found the key to initial peace and harmony in my house. Begin each day by just kissing my mom's ass and giving her what she wants.
Even if I cant stand it. It just saves me so much grief and stress.
When she's happy, everyone's happy. Sad, but its just so much smoother for now.
Here's a fine example of what I am talking about.
My mom will ask me to come upstairs, and she'll tell me to make her some food and, "then come back upstairs, I want to talk to you."
Then she will 'talk to me' about her cars, her old boyfriends and their cars, her 120-pounds size 3 clothes she used to wear, how my dad's friend came over for dinner and tried to make her cheat on my father because she was just so "young, thin, and Beeeaaauuu-ti-ful". She'll gossip about the neighbors, make jokes about my brother, etc. Laugh and thinks she's the greatest thing in the whole world, think she's funny and basically talk about things I dont care to listen.
But i suppose I could suck it up and just nod and smile, and act like I'm her number one fan just so she will stop this bullshit.
I've thought about these conversations a lot. Its not that I am jealous that she was 120 pounds at my age.
Pfftt, that is not beautiful to me. My 17 year old brother and I have seen pictures of my mom in a bathing suit at that weight, and she had fried egg status up-top, and you could pop a coke bottle on her hip bones.
She has admitted to me that she ate hardly anything and worked very hard to be that size. "No breakfast, a big chocolate chip cookie for 'lunch' and a salad when I came home." she reminds me of how she ate when I am eating something like bread, which she considers 'fattening'.
Being a 120 pounds is not only unrealistic to me, but... um, news-flash, mom... its undesirable to me!
I happen to appreciate the body type i have, and if I lost that much weight, I think my fiance would probably start taking me to a waffle house everyday for gravy and biscuits, because he likes his woman curvy, too.
When i tell my mom, "i'm not 100% happy with my body, but I am getting there. Its a work in progress" she reminds me that the world revolves around the 'thin is in' fad. She seems to think no one can love me at 165 pounds, or even 130. I guess 120 and below is the magic number, according to her.
I love igatzke's comment on my last journal.
I'll quote my favorite part: "Also-- suiters and admirers of her thin, beautful body? Times have changed, sweetie! Men love us for our minds (and yes, our wickidly curvy bodies)"
I've always said, I'd rather be a "fat girl" than a flat girl.
Times have changed. My fiance and my 17 year old brother has seen the pressure she puts on me, and have reminded me that theres no need for me to let her get to me. My brother told her, "you know mom, that was 1978, ya know, when glamor models where the ideal image of 'beauty' and thirty years later, we have plus size models who wear size 'whatever'. People are more open and comfortable about their preferences"
Even he gets it.
Uggghhh! I just hate listening to my mom talk about it. But when I change the subject, she says I dont listen to her. If I leave the room, make up some excuse like, "mom, i have to get back to cleaning up" or "sam needs me to help him", she starts fights.
A fine example: Yesterday she started talking to me about the cars, and i told her I was going to lay down. My stomach was killing me from my IBS. She seemed fine with that.
So I ate an english muffin, laid down, and about 20 mins later, I felt better. Since I was feeling better, I told my brother I'd take him to go get his jeans. We'd already asked my mom in the early afternoon, and she said that was fine. But when I went upstairs to ask her if it was okay to go ahead and go at that moment (i always ask my mom for permission to do ANYTHING.) she said no. My brother was furious. He'd gotten ready and dressed for nothing. There was no reason, other than that she was just starting a fight. And she told me if I took the car, she'd call the police and say I stole it.
Later, she said to me, "If you're not well enough to just talk to me, you're not well enough to drive MY car."
I cant believe her.
Every caters to her, gets her anything she wants, trys our damn hardest to get along with her, and she still tells us how 'stressful' her life is and how no one appreciates her.
I've told my brother my thoughts, and he says it sounds good. Just be really, really nice to her and try to make her as happy as possible. Then she doesnt yell at us, start fights, call us names, put us down, or make things difficult for our whole family.
My dad feels the only reason she hasnt left is because she has nowhere to go, no money of her own, and leaving means she would actually have to work and support herself.
I believe he's right.
*ssiiiiggghhhhh*
I wanted to thank everyone for commenting on my last journal. I dont think I would have to strength to deal with this if I didnt have the support of my FS buddies. I'd probably be trying to get to Mickey-D's for cookies and a soft-serve cone instead of focusing on how I really feel and doing what is right for me.
The urge to binge was very, very strong last night. Even my good eating habits have been off for the last few days because I get so overwhelmed that its hard to find the time to eat correctly. Let alone time to eat all, really. I get ravenous in the evening and that can cause me to binge. Thats what really happened on wednesday.
But with my buddies' support, I was able to stop myself last night. I ate some pasta and toast, and ate only until I was full. I might have had to chew a piece of trident or two, and I brushed my teeth, washed my face, watched the end of a movie, and then called my fiance when he got off work, but I DIDNT BINGE!
YESSS!
I noticed quite a few of my buddies related with me on the issue of having an overbearing, weight-worrying, nagging mother. I feel for you, so very much. And I appreciate your support. It helps to know I'm not the only one.
I'm not alone, and I think that is the greatest feeling in the world. I know I talk to my fiance about weight issues, my mom, my life in general, etc. And he helps me so much.
Eh, but he's not a woman. lol
Its been a long week, and i survived because of you wonderful ladies.
Diet Calendar Entries for 27 March 2009:
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1259 kcal
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Fat: 19.86g | Prot: 72.82g | Carb: 208.64g.
Breakfast: nature valley , banana. Lunch: apple, tomatoe, strawberries, light whole wheat bread, chicken of the sea, baby carrots. Dinner: poppyseen dressing eating right , Cafe Steamers Sweet Sesame Chicken, tomato, bell pepper, american lettuce blend, cucumber, baby carrots, mushrooms. Snacks/Other: water melon, light and fit yogurt, GNC protein. more...
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2180 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Standing - 1 hour and 20 minutes, Shopping - 1 hour, Desk Work - 4 hours, Driving - 25 minutes, Resting - 9 hours and 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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