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06 January 2019

01 January 2019

Good riddance, 2018, one of the worst years we've ever experienced. After losing my godmother and my best friend to lung cancer, my mom-in-law died after suffering from dementia for the last 8 years. That plus having 2 surgeries, and helping my daughter after surgery in December has taken a toll.

Today was the first time I've weighed myself in many weeks. The damage wasn't as bad as I expected.

Spending 2 weeks in California with my Boo after she had a difficult septoplasty surgery put my sleep and work schedule out of whack, and I'm having trouble getting back to waking up at 6am. I did almost no work at all over the last 4 weeks and I feel anxious about it. I've been taking half an ativan to be able to sleep by midnight. I tried cbd oil the other night and it seemed to help but not as effectively as ativan.

It's 7:30am Wednesday Jan 2 and it feels like a Monday. I need to shake the cobwebs from my brain and get focused.

We're now planning a trip in the next few weeks to Paris and I need to take off some pounds so I'll be able to walk without knee pain. My niece is staying there for 3 months so we'll be visiting her. Her mom is going to visit her too, and she should also lose weight before the trip. I wanted to talk to her about it, but weight is a sore subject in our family. No one wants to talk about the elephant in the room, pun intended. It's not just me and my sis with weight problems; my brother also is obese, and while we're all functional, it's getting harder as we get older. My little old mom still overloads us with sweets and rich food every time we visit. She won't change, so I hope I'll be able to.

My sis and I talked about our odd upbringing for the first time in a while. We weren't allowed to invite our neighbor friends to play inside with us; it always had to be outside or on the porch. There was a lot of tension in the house, a lot of anger and resentment, mostly coming from mom and directed at dad and us kids. That subsided somewhat as the years went by, but I know it was there even up to the point where dad died. Now that mom lives alone, she does so much better as she can control everything in her environment to her liking. I guess it stressed her out to live with other people. I know she loves us, but she had a tough life growing up during the war and she is scarred with neuroses related to being emotionally distant and being in control. Cuddly she ain't. It's not her fault. It has taken me a long time to be okay with this. Giving us food has always been the one way mom was not afraid to show her affection and we gobbled it up. I don't know if realizing this will help me stop.

It feels good to face down this reality. I feel hopeful that I can be more "woke" about my eating habits going forward. Think before you eat.
Weigh-in: 208.8 lb lost so far: 3.2 lb still to go: 58.8 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) on diet cocobutt's own diet   gaining 0.1 lb a week

13 September 2018

Weigh-in: 207.2 lb lost so far: 4.8 lb still to go: 57.2 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) on diet cocobutt's own diet   losing 0.0 lb a week

20 July 2018

Going in the wrong direction again and feeling it in my knees. I wish I had a health coach who could come live with me for about a month to correct all my bad habits. I'm not exercising at all... Even walking since my dog is still recovering from his surgery of 6/27 and we've had an intense and muggy heat wave. I might be able to take control of our meals though since Mr C will be too busy over the next month. When he's in the kitchen, I bail out because there's not enough room for two and I grew up feeling inadequate about cooking anyway.

On the up side, I've been getting my sleep schedule back under control. Going to bed at midnight and waking up after 8am does not agree with me anymore. I like hitting the sack around 9 to 10pm and getting up around 5:30am. I feel a lot more energized. I'm also reading more books on paper instead of playing word streak on my ipad.

Things I can do today: meal planning, portion control with small plates, drink more water.
Weigh-in: 207.4 lb lost so far: 4.6 lb still to go: 57.4 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet cocobutt's own diet   gaining 1.0 lb a week

13 June 2018

Weigh-in: 202.2 lb lost so far: 9.8 lb still to go: 52.2 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet cocobutt's own diet   losing 2.1 lb a week

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