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XPrettyXFaceX's Journal

 
showing entries 11 to 15 of 116
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25 February 2012

Weigh-in: 296.0 lb lost so far: 30.0 lb still to go: 96.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (1 comment) losing 1.9 lb a week

14 February 2012

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Weigh-in: 299.0 lb lost so far: 27.0 lb still to go: 99.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (3 comments) steady weight

05 February 2012

Things are just not as dandy as I'd hoped they would be, but I will rise above. My car decided it couldn't wait until Thursday to go into the shop, so it will be there in the morning. I was stuck home all of yesterday without a vehicle. J was gone for the weekend. Who knows where. I don't care, it just would have been nice to have him around for a ride. lol. Being home bored is NOT fun! He's supposed to be home around noon. I need a ride to the store because I'd like to make a chili today. My mother is going to be nice enough to let me borrow her car during the day when I'm off of work. She works the day shift where I'm working now, so her car is just parked anyway. She's my hero right now!

I was terribly depressed last night. I think everything just overwhelmed me. Today is a new day. Superbowl Sunday! I wanted to make a chili, but without a vehicle, that makes it difficult. I don't have the things I need on hand right now.

Hope everyone is having a good day. Go Giants!

02 February 2012

02 February 2012

fail.

On the weightloss front.. fail. I'm trying not to stress about it too much.

Major rant ahead:

In other news, I feel the need to set something straight. My life does not revolve around my relationship with James. I do love him. We have been together for a long time. Our marriage is probably not going to exist a year from now. I have accepted that.

This is what is happening in my life that I suppose most people don't realize: My current job is ending in 4 weeks. I am still living with James, and I might have to continue living with him for a while. I am going back to school in March to take a 7 week class. I have made the decision to adopt my stepson. That is why I may have to continue living here for a while. It will cost me $5,000 to adpot him. I don't have $5,000 at the moment. We just put $10,000 on this downpayment and that ate up the savings. I am feeling a little out of place living here. I do not pay rent to him because I'm trying to get my finances in order. That feels odd to me. On top of that, I need to be living here for appearance sake when I try to adopt him. It will be a VERY messy court battle because his maternal grandparents think I'm the devil. In addition to that, my car is giving me trouble. It needs to go into the shop, and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it. I have $1000 for that expense, but it may exceed that. I suppose I will have to rely on credit cards which I HATE doing. One of my cards is already maxed out due to the move. James cannot afford to pay it off even though he has benefited from it because everything we bought on it is staying in his house. He will help me pay it, but things are tight for him too with him paying all of the bills at the moment. I am feeling alone in the world and very lost. My friends call to check on me, and I lie to them because I cannot bear to admit my weaknesses for fear of letting them control me. I will survive. I know this. I'm just tired of people giving me advice about me and James. Everyone has an opinion on what I should do about "my marriage". My marriage is over. It's hard. It sucks. I feel like shit about it, but it. is. over. I'm tired of the emotional breakdowns. I'm tired of smiling at people and assuring them it's for the best. I'm tired of people suggesting what I should do to work it out. Dammit, I have tried to work it out for the past three years. I have been the ONLY one trying to work it out. It's NOT going to happen. It's hard enough to deal with without people constantly dwelling on it. I need to move past it. I need to work through it, and move on.

I have been tired because on top of all of that, yesterday I got home at 7:20, took a shower and took my son to school for 8:30. I stayed at school until 12:30 popping and bagging popcorn for a good behavior party they were having at school. Mind you, I had spent 3.5 hours the day before doing the same thing. They needed 500 bags of popcorn. I left school and picked up lunch. One of the PTC moms came hang out until 2 at the house because she didn't want to drive 25 minutes back to her mil's (where they are currently staying). I then went to the gym where I did a 50 minute workout. I made it home 20 minutes before Nate got off the bus. We did homework (which took us to 4:30). I hung out with him and did a little housework .. made some macaroni and cheese and peas to go with a roast James had cooked the day before. By the time that was done, I had to go back to work at 6:10. I am not just emotionally exhausted, I am physically exhausted. I am pushing myself constantly, and it's just not enough. There are not enough minutes in an hour or hours in a day. I am drowning. I am effing drowning in life. I need a vacation more than anyone could possibly know... but I cannot afford it because my car, school, credit card bills, and the adoption will be sucking every penny from me for the next year. On top of that, I gained this week. I gained weight. My eating wasn't bad. My working out was on target, but I gained. TOTM? Stress? Both? I don't know, but I cannot fail at this too right now. I have to succeed at something.

God help me.

The End.
Weigh-in: 299.0 lb lost so far: 27.0 lb still to go: 99.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (3 comments) gaining 0.7 lb a week

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