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Weight History
showing entries 11 to 15 of 318
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10 July 2008
Omg I am still pissed off at Brandon for what he said yesterday. I shouldn't let it bother me so much, I am sure he has no clue it how much it bothered me. I wish he would just not comment about weight issues period. I won't be talking to him about dieting or intuitive eating or anything related to weight! He is so clueless. He has no idea how much I have struggled mentally and emotionally with all the ups and downs of dieting/bingeing, all he knows is that I have lost weight and gained in back, twice(once because I was pregnanat though, that doesnt count!) He'd never understand if I tried to explain it to him.
(5 comments)
09 July 2008
Hello all, how is your day? I am enjoying relaxing for a change! I have been helping my church group get everything ready for vacation bible school which is comimg up in a few days, and I am so worn out, not so much from the physical work but the stress from trying to keep Kaelyn under control and safe and happy while I am trying to build and paint and hang decorations. Hopefully we are done decorating!
I am doing well with intuitive eating. It is a scary venture but I firmly belive in it. I am more aware of how much of my life has been revolving around food. I wake up and wonder what has the least amount of caloires. Should I eat protein or cereal? Oh not an egg, too much fat. How about an egg white. Not filling enough. A bagel? too many calories. I have to meet someone for lunch. Instant stress. Should I eat before I go? Should I eat a salad? Should I eat whatever I want then work out for an hour or two and starve the rest of the day?
This all must end. I think in order to speed the process of getting rid of diet mentality, I am going to stop logging my food, scary as it is. If I don't stop running for a pen or the computer every time I eat I will never be free. Besides I have been doing it so long it's not like I don't know how many calories are in everything anyway. I can't stop the mental calorie estimater even though I wish I could. I've had about 650 calories so far today. Right off the top of my head. I didn't weigh this morning either. I will probably have a hard time staying off it long term though as I am still nervous about gaining weight. I will try to only weigh once a week.
Small steps, small steps. I don't expect to recover all at once. I just want to try and do my best to relax around food and get into the routine of focusing on the hunger scale rather than the calories or even nutrition content. I have already noticed it doesn't take as much to be satisfied as I usually eat, when I truly eat what I want and wait until I am really hungry. The trick is eating when you are really hungry. If I eat before I am really hungry, I don't feel satisfied, because there was no hunger to begin with, therefore no satiety signals to stop. I can still choose to eat when I am not hungry, as long as I do so with full awareness, and eat a small amount in light of the fact that I do not really need the food.
If I put eating only when hungry on a pedastal and make that my new "LAW" it is no different from dieting. I am working on breaking out of eating for emotional reasons, but I accept the fact that it is ok to sometimes eat for other reasons, as long as I am not doing it mindlessly, and as long as I take the time to acknowledge what I am really feeling, and try to remedy the root cause of the craving. By giving myself permission, I will avoid more feelings of deprivation. I don't want this to be a no- diet DIET. I just want to be normal! Even if I don't lose another ounce. In fact as long as I don't gain more than 5 pounds from where I am, I will be ok with that. My hope is to be able to maintain 120 with intuitive eating. I truly don't care anymore to be a 115 waif. Those size 2 jeans can kiss my booty. I should go buy the exact pair in a size 5 and be done with it! I am not fat, I could be in better shape, but I am well within a healthy range and not completely embarassed in a swimsuit. Perfection is not only unattainable but undesirable. I have other things to work on in my life that acheiving bodily perfection.
That being said, I have a long road ahead of me, and I may never truly ARRIVE to a destination. I want to not only be a normal eater, but a happier person, that takes joy in everyday little things. Obsessiveness has had ahold of me for too many years. With God's help, I belive I can end this misery and find peace about my body and about my life.
(12 comments)
07 July 2008
Weight's the same this morning, pretty impressive condidering I had Pizza from Pizza Hut and a bacon cheeseburger yesterday! I love it! :)
(13 comments)
07 July 2008
Weigh-in:
121.2 lb
lost so far:
1.8 lb
still to go:
1.2 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
add comment
steady weight
06 July 2008
Day three of intuitive eating, and I feel awesome. No out of control cravings, and I ate what I wanted when I was hungry. I felt truly satisfied with less than one slice of pizza, and left several bites of my burger on my plate at dinner, though I finished off my chips and bread. I feel like I did well today, I don't feel overstuffed nor am I hungry. It is hard to break away from the worry of eating calorie-packed foods, but I was away form home all day and I really think I did well. The scale was down this morning so that made me feel more confident. I am not ready to cut down on weighing often yet. I feel like I need to keep weighing daily at least until I have learned to trust my ability to acknowledge satisfaction, which is different than feeling full. Chewing well and focusing on the food really is working to help me be satisfied with less without feeling deprived OR stuffed. For one thing, I'm eating real foods which in itself is satisfying. I ate about 3/4 of a real hamburger instead of 2 or more soy burgers. I am working on not stressing it if I don't get 100% of every macronutrient each day. I was higher on fat today, and it was the first red meat I've had in a good while. I feel I have made progress today. It's the first time in FOREVER I had a hamburger without guilt(and eating two burgers plus french fries to numb the guilt!!) It was a good day! Hope everyone is doing well! Don't forget about me ya'll! I'm on a different plan now but I still support all of yours!
We're all in it together! HUGS!! :D
(4 comments)
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