NowIunderstand's Journal, 20 July 2014

ah well! didn't lose, in fact gained a wee bit.

Still angry yesterday. Angry and hungover. I don't feel too positive. I guess I could say I feel slightly depressed, and it's leaning towards indifferent! (another brick in the wall!)

I've always had a very explosive disposition, much more frequent when I was a young adult. And I've managed to bring it down quite a lot (Therapy).

I was told once that anger is not an emotion by itself. It's a secondary emotion. You'll never be just angry. It covers up either fear, feeling hurt or frustration. That revelation helped a lot. I could at least analyse what was behind the anger. The true feelings. But then, what do you do with it once these feelings are discovered? To know them does not dissipate them. You're still stuck with them.

I wish there was something to be learnt from it, but right now I can't see it.

I've had meltdowns before, but thank God, they are few and far between. Nothing major set it off, but it's the little things that set me off. Because I can understand being refused big things. And, I'm someone that asks for nothing, or barely, and gives a lot. So a feeling of injustice, and hurt spreads like wildfire inside of me when I'm refused something trivial. I feel some people are born with only a 'catcher's mit'

It was awful this meltdown, this anger, I felt my blood boiling. I felt I'd better have a drink to calm down or have a stroke!

I've started closing in on my social circle, partly because I feel like I'm walking around like an open wound. I'm very easily hurt, and I don't want to deal with it.

I'm not one of those people that cannot be alone. In fact, I now prefer to be alone. As much as I used to need people to validate myself, now the pendulum has swung the other way. I fully content being alone and doing my own stuff, to an extreme.

Does it matter?

I know it's harsh to say, but people disappoint me. And I'm sure (in fact, I know) I've disappointed many in my younger days.

I like the poster on Bella's journal. Something about stopping expectations. I do remember a friend telling me. 'I have any expectations, so that way I'm not disappointed'. And at the time, I didn't agree, because to have reasonable expections, is only reasonable?! No?

Anyway, enough for now. I won't solve life's mysteries (or my own life's mysteries) today.


Have a good day everyone.

168.7 lb Lost so far: 10.3 lb.    Still to go: 29.7 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.