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Yay! A step in the right direction! On the self control front I'm doing only marginally better, if I've improved at all, but I've been getting outside and staying active. (It helps that the weather has been so cooperative recently.) 2 of the days in the past week/ week and a half I've managed to mow the lawn- or a significant portion of it. (My home is on a 1/2 acre of land. The house is small, so most of the property is grassy yard. It used to be a real pain to mow before and we had several lawn mowers break on us. As in I have 3 faulty/ non functional gas powered mowers lying around. O_o However, DH got an electric mower and it's so easy and reliable that mowing the lawn isn't really a chore any more! :-D!!!)
Also, I'm feeling well on the mood front. I had been concerned about how I was having more issues with anxiety/confusion/discouragement/sadness/anger. I had set up a psychiatric evaluation with a doctor under my insurance, but I had been really dreading going because I was afraid to hear the outcome. I was afraid I'd be told that I needed to take meds again, that I was significantly mentally ill (like when I was a teenager), and that I'd be at the mercy of pharmacological treatment in terms of being able to work towards certain personal goals/ dreams of mine. I realize now that my anxiety about going to the doctor was much worse than I had been aware of/that it was really negatively effecting me more than I thought. I feel foolish now for having been so anxious because the doctor wasn't forceful at all, and while she thought meds might be able to help me, she also thought I might be able to use other forms of treatment just as effectively- like simply getting more regular exercise and sleep, seeing a therapist for psychotherapy, and possibly trying something like acupuncture.
It feels good knowing that what I've been facing is not so abnormal or requiring extreme medical measures (i.e, high doses of strong drugs). I am happy knowing that even if I need meds now, there are meds available that are milder while still being effective and that taking meds does not necessarily mean I'd need them indefinitely. I remember as a teenager, living in a group home and being hospitalized for depression periodically, that I saw my condition and thought, "well this is how I am going to live the rest of my life," and being really discouraged because I didn't see any likelihood of things changing. I felt like a chronic mental patient and it sucked. As an adult it has scared me when I've experienced periods of severe and significant dysfunction because I was afraid that I had lost the chance of having a "normal" (i.e, not involving chronic, major mental health interventions and treatment) life. That also sucked because it felt like I had somehow earned or been given a chance to have a normal life, but blown it and was doomed to not be normal/ healthy again.
Now I am realizing that regardless of what my condition is, more and more I am aware that it is the result of choices that I can be deliberate and conscious of. I am not "doomed". I still struggle with a Watty Piper- type chant that goes through my mind, ("I'm not my mom. I'm not my mom. I'm not my mom."), and honestly I don't know who I am trying to convince more- myself or the people around me. I feel like my mom has allowed herself to be a victim and has largely ruined her life and hurt herself and many of the people in her family that she cares for- or claims to care for. She continually makes choices that frustrate me, though I am learning to forgive her and accept that even if she never changes, she's still my mom and I can love her. Still, as much as it is up to me, I NEVER want to end up like her. I don't want my family and my life to be destroyed by pride, willful ignorance, and or whatever other factors that she's acquiesced on where a different choice would have been harder but better for her and the rest of us. At least right now I feel like this is attainable, that I am distinct from her and I AM making different choices for the welfare of myself and my family. There but for the grace of G-d go I.
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147.5 lb
Lost so far: 24.5 lb.
Still to go: 17.5 lb.
Diet followed N/A.
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losing 2.5 lb a week
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