kingkeld's Journal, 02 February 2014

Good morning!

Sorry, I missed you guys yesterday. There were quite a few things going on around me, and it just wasn't in the cards for me to write my journal and weigh in.

I have so many things I want to tell you guys, and I'll try to get them all in here.

First of all... THANK YOU.

Thank you so much for all your support, suggestions and comforting words. When times are rough, it's a huge help knowing that there are people out there who care, and who can see things your way. I truly appreciate that.

...

So, what's the situation?

Well, let's start with health.

The heart rythm is back to its old, bad self. :( That really sucks. Both times I've had the shock have been in vain.

I am now taking medicine to try to nudge the heart back into the right rhythm, but I don't feel any results of it just yet. I honestly doubt that it'll happen.

Next step is possibly to have a small laser surgery on my heart. It's a minor thing, I'm told, but again - it sounds absolutely terrifying. On the other hand, so does a heart attack from excessive stress to the heart.

I'm not in "that" category just yet - but it's something that I can risk running into further down the road, and I am not really up for that.

So, I am listening carefully to what the doctors tell me, and I do as I'm told.

The good thing is that the doctors keep recommending exercises and workouts with absolutely no restrictions, so I am not benched.

That is, not because of that.

...

After my workout Thursday, my back was hurting. I actually don't think the hurt came from the workout itself, but I think the workout provoked it to that last point where the aches came.

I think the damage came from spending 6 hours in horrible chairs at the hospital Wednesday. It was bad, and my back was so tired all day.

The result is a very sore lower back. I'm stiff as a 2x4, and have trouble doing simple things like picking up things from the floor.

It's not gonna stop me though. I do all I can at the gym, and I have identified the machines that hurt, modified them slightly, and I am able to go on. Obviously, I do this with utmost care.

I have consulted a coworker at the gym about it. She's a physio therapist, and she has okayed my approach. The last thing I need is to be benched for another month or more, so I am very cautious, but at the same time I want to move forward.

...

I went to see my doctor on Friday. We had set up an appointment to talk about my situation, and about stress.

On my way there is when I realized that my heard had "fallen out" again, and I had him double check it for me. He confirmed my suspicion.

Then, we had the stress talk. We had a good long talk about things. I explained my situation, how I reacted at the meeting, how I felt about the whole thing. It's all one big mess in my head.

The end result?

I'm on sick leave. No end date for now.

I asked him to grant me some sessions with a psychologist. I really want to clear my head of all this trauma, and get all these thoughts straightened out and get back to my usual, useful me.

It's probably gonna piss off bossman even more, but right now I couldn't care less. I'm the one I need to nurse, not him. F**k him.

So, it'll take a while before I will be at work again. As much as know that I'll fall even more behind on my stuff, it's also a MAJOR relief.

My doctor has written in my file that it will take the evaluation from the psychologist to determine when I should go back.

...

I have to say I am very relieved to be taken off duty. The whole work situation is such a pressure on me, and this (for now) is taking quite a load off my back.

It's hard to know that the next step in returning to work is to face reprimands and trouble. It's not exactly something I'm looking forward to, and it's something I have a hard time coming to terms with.

My boss sees the problems in my work as neglect and carelessness, when I have tried - repeatedly, and with the help of my union too - to explain that this is a clear sign that my stress levels were way higher than I thought at the time where everyone - including me - thought that I was doing great.

It's strange, isn't it? Sometimes we think we're way better off than we actually are, and sometimes we're way better off than we think we are. Wait, did that come out right? :)

I will be looking forward to getting some professional help to clear my head. I have so many thoughts that I need to organize. I don't feel that I can do this on my own, but obviously I can do some. I do my own soul searching, and I try to implement many of the tools that I use for my classes, and of course my general common sense.

...

Another thing has changed, which has made an impact on my stress levels. This is in no way work related, but it's something that has been a huge load on my - and Wife and Daughter's - shoulders.

As some of you know, I live in Denmark. I have an American wife and daughter living here with me.

Up until now, they have been here as temporary residents. It's really hard to get approval of anything more than that in Denmark, and it's a long, long process with very strict requirements.

You have to be either studying or working full time at ALL times. You get fired, you're disqualified. You have to NOT get any kind of financial aid. If you get any, you're disqualified. So many rules like that. This goes for me to. I get any kind of help, THEY are disqualified. It's all a matter of showing that we're able to financially support ourselves. It makes sense to some extend, but it's very strict and close to impossible to fully accomplish.

We've been waiting for a full year for an answer. Through this time, we've both encountered major issues at work, and knowing that this could not only impact our work and finances, it would also massively impact the permits that would allow us to keep living here in my home country.

Well, after waiting for what seems like forever, we got the letters yesterday. Wife and Daughter have been granted permanent residency in Denmark!

This is a huge relief. It's good to know that if something should happen - especially with my current work issues - we can at least still be living here, and we can even in a really bad situation, apply for financial aid. I don't think we'll ever need to, but it's good to know that the option is there.

...

So many things. So many thoughts.

...

So, what about the weight?

Well, today the WEIGHT is up.

It's a strange, strange weigh-in.

I am CLEARLY retaining water like crazy.

Today I am heavier than I have been in AGES. Actually, last time I weighed as much as I did this morning was in march 2013. :(

Now, that being said, I need to add a few things.

First of all, this weigh-in was taken WAY early today. It's not directly comparable with the weigh-ins from the last few days.

What SHOULD be relatively comparable is the fat/muscle/fluid numbers, and they tell a slightly different story.

My body fat WEIGHT is actually down. It's the lowest in a few weeks. That's not a whole lot, but it's a lot better than being up.

The other thing is that I am retaining a little more water. Not a lot. About 1 lb.

The really strange thing is that the muscle mass seems to be up by a whopping 3½ kilos since yesterday.

Obviously, this isn't the case. The fat is probably not down by 2½ kilos since yesterday either. I like to think that we're somewhere inbetween.

I did drink a lot of fluid late in the evening yesterday. I have changed some snacks to other things, and I know that some of this could impact today's reading.

As much as I'm bummed out that I am this heavy, I do know that I did fine yesterday. I went through a Saturday with zero candy or sugars. I didn't miss it.

I loaded up on Protein Fluff instead, and did a very nice protein shake.

I made sure that I met my macros and that I did right. Mission WAS accomplished.

Most likely, I will get a much more reasonable weigh-in tomorrow.

...

It does REALLY bother me that the weight keeps going up.

I have been reading quite a bit about the whole IIFYM-approach, and I really like it. I have no doubt that it's working.

I do think that I am estimating my maintenance calorie intake too high, since my weight keep going up. I think I'm simply eating too much.

Obviously, the recent candy binges haven't helped. The stress has made me seek comfort in the candy, and that's a really stupid way to approaching this.

It's hard to NOT do, when all the worries and concerns suddenly all come charging at once. But I know it's not all too impossible.

I've been thinking a lot about what to do to avoid it.

One of the solutions is kind of off-beat, but in my head it makes sense:

EXERCISE LESS.

Wait, hear me out.

I see some things happening clearly in my daily patterns of late.

I go walk in the morning. It's good exercise, and it gives me a "bonus" calorie burn, making it reasonably simple to up my daily burn. The one hour walk helps me reach my goals.

What I did while I was going to work is to walk for an hour before work, and three times weekly also hit the gym. It worked like a charm, and I would typically have an average daily calorie burn of about 3100 calories, according to Fitbit.

However, things have changed for now.

The new pattern seems to be that I do NOT walk in the very early mornings. I seem to be walking later, when it is a little more interesting. I typically go out for lunch, and incorporate this into my walk. A guy needs to eat, and I can easily incorporate the foods that I eat for lunch - pita breads with meat and salad, "dish of the day" at the diner, or even pizza - into my daily macros. It's no problem.

The thing is that when I can go have lunch, the candy store is also open. It makes me want to go there, especially when I stress.

I go in with the intention of coming out with little to nothing, but I always end up wasting thousands of calories on junk, going WAY over my RDI. Obviously, this is a bad idea.

My solution to all this is actually simple.

Either walk early - too early for the stores to be open - or walk in areas with no stores. And don't go out for lunch. It's not too great food quality, and it's expensive. Use the money on something better.

The downside to this is that I probably won't walk as much or as far. I like walking in town and I like checking out stores, but I know where I end up.

My logic is simple. I might have a 500 calories lower daily burn if I do NOT go walk as much, but I will also have a significantly lower calorie intake. Probably much more than the 500 calories I earn from walking.

I think the walking could simply have become counter productive, now that I have all day to be doing it.

I'm generally no big fan of cardio - many of you guys know this.

I find it to be a massive time waster, and for me it just doesn't burn calories enough to really make it worth the effort.

For me, it's a LOT more interesting to build muscle, up the basic metabolic rate, and go with that.

It's a lot easier to simply consume 500 calories less, and skip a good chunk of the cardio.

...

This doesn't mean that I plan to skip ALL exercise altogether.

I need my daily walk. It's good mental exercise, as well as it's good for my heart. I don't want to be without it.

But I won't to the much higher rate of walking that I have done lately. I won't get on the bike spending ages there. I won't go walk through the day, just to walk.

I will try to get my steps in, but I will simply look much more at my estimated calorie burn for the day, and go with that.

...

There is a good sound logic in this.

The theory from IIFYM is that you NEED a certain calorie intake, along with meeting certain macro nutrient requirements daily.

For me, at the moment, they are 190 grams of protein, 65 grams of fat, and about 40 grams of fiber. The rest of my calories can come from either a mix of those along with carbs, or just carbs. What I eat is not all that important.

When I fiddle with the calculator that tells me how much to eat from what, I see one thing CLEARLY.

When I add/subtract exercise, only ONE number changes. The carbs.

Basically, what they are saying is that regardless of how much exercise you do, you need to meet your basic needs to fuel your muscles and your bodys maintenance. This is done by reaching your numbers in protein, fat and fiber. Carbs are for energy.

If you exercise a lot, you burn more energy, and you need to refuel it. If you exercise less, you need to refuel less. If you exercise very little, then you need to refuel very little.

...but you still need to meet your protein, fat and fiber numbers for your body to function.

Now, keep in mind that when I say "exercise" I basically mean cardio training. I'm NOT talking strength training.

Strength training is ESSENTIAL!

Strength training keeps our bodies awake and alive. It promotes muscle growth, which in return ups your metabolic rate. This is EXACTLY what we want to happen.

So, taking it to the extreme, one would basically ONLY do strength training and nothing else, and still lose weight efficiently just by eating right.

Check out these numbers, taken from today's calculations on IIFYM.com:

This is how I usually set my stats to calculate my RDI and macros:

Age: 44
Height: 176 cm
Weight (as of today): 88.5 kilos.
Exercise level: 6 days per week (including the cardio from my walks, etc. This setting matches the average daily calorie burn from my fitbit)
Body fat % (as of today): 11

This gives me the following numbers to follow:
Maintenance calorie intake: 3120
Fatloss calorie intake: 2652
Suggested minimum protein intake: 199g (up, because of the weight/muscle gain)
Suggested minimum fat intake: 70g (up, because of the weight/muscle gain)
Suggested fiber intake: 39 - 49g
Suggested MAX carb intake: 307g

Now, if I change my activity level to ONLY doing my strength training and essentially nothing else but daily activities, the numbers change to this:
Maintenance calorie intake: 2848
Fatloss calorie intake: 2278
Suggested minimum protein intake: 199g (up, because of the weight/muscle gain)
Suggested minimum fat intake: 70g (up, because of the weight/muscle gain)
Suggested fiber intake: 39 - 49g
Suggested MAX carb intake: 250g

As you can see, the ONLY number that changes, is the carb allowance.

What I conclude from this is simply, that if I exercise less, then lower the carb intake. Make sure that your body still has the fuel to maintain and run smoothly.

It makes perfect sense.

If this does that I am less inclined to buy candy, eat at restaurants and generally practice poor food behavior, then it's all win to NOT walk as much.

Of course, again, I need to take care of my heart, and walking WILL be done daily, but probably not as much.

Let's try it, and see what happens. I can easily eat at a lower RDI, when I do good. It's no problem.

Lots to think about today.

....

Today, I'm thankful for:
- Wife! She's such a support, and I am so happy that her and Daughter have their permits.
- Understanding RDI, macros, behavior.
- Morning coffee.


Have a great sunday! Life is good!
195.1 lb Lost so far: 146.6 lb.    Still to go: 7.7 lb.    Diet followed 100%.
on diet kingkeld's own diet   gaining 17.0 lb a week

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Comments 
Glad to hear about your wife and daughter. That is great! Hope your health comes back around. Your discussion on macros seems very sound to me. It was interesting to me that the only number that went up or down was the carbs. I began IIFYM today and am looking forward to my weigh in tomorrow. Good luck with all, my friend. 
01 Feb 14 by member: Draglist
Thank you, Bill. Now, don't panic if (when) you have gained weight. Your body needs to adjust to this new approach.  
01 Feb 14 by member: kingkeld
Thanks, Keld. Definitely going to give it some time. It's still a deficit (although a minor one), so it should work! 
01 Feb 14 by member: Draglist
That was interesting read on a sunday morning. First of all congratulations on the permits for your wife and child, i have a very close friend who was chinese, her children where chinese, german! and dutch and her husband is dutch and i know how worked up she was about not having the dutch permits yet. When she got her permit she refused until all her children had the permits. so i can understand some of that stress... But that was just a small part of your reading. It is a weird thing when you are "in the zone" you exercise and diet and wonder why the hell didn't i do this sooner. But when you drop out of the zone you struggle and wonder how did i ever do that? Stress is the biggest enemy, stress is what makes your body into survival mode, which technically means your body stores almost everything you give it and your brain makes you crave for food and comfort. Ever tried yoga? Still proud of you ;)  
02 Feb 14 by member: puhpine
Excellent about the permits - good to know that some of the stress of your situation has been alleviated. The bossman is clearly a separate issue, but shove him in a mental box and forget about him for now, and concentrate on the getting better bit! Good to hear you clearly have a fabulous, understanding doctor, and hope the psychologist is of help -letting it all out and explaining all the ins and outs is remarkably cathartic. 
02 Feb 14 by member: clairebuxton
So pleased, about them signing you off work, and DD and DW being made permanent in Denmark. You sound as if you need help to sort your head out... I hope it works for you. X 
02 Feb 14 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
Morning buddy - the stress alone from all of this health & job drama will create a weight gain that just can't be calculated or math'd away. When you find your solution to those things or just process it in your head your body will follow and lighten.  
02 Feb 14 by member: FullaBella
Puhpine, I actually have MORE time for exercise than I usually have, and have been doing it diligently. :) I'm doing my strength training as I'm supposed to, and there is no way I'm putting that one on the shelf. It's the hours of walking aimlessly just to burn calories that I want to quit. I will do my morning walks, and make sure I'm not just sitting on my rear at home all day. I'm just thinking that it's really not all that much benefit I get out of that calorie burn. The theory is very simple. Consume the proteins and fats that your body needs. Make sure the basics are covered. The rest - the carbs - is just gravy. I can work harder doing cardi and "earn" more calories, but I need to eat them back in, or I will be in a deficit that makes me lose muscle. So, I will try to simply not do as much exercise, and instead then lower my RDI a little. I can easily go with a lower RDI as long as I eat right. And my LONG walks - not the morning ones that I probably will do anyways - are usually done at a time where I can (and will) buy stupid foods. So, the walk will make me burn an extra 200-300 calories. But what good is that if it makes me consume 500+ extra calories? Then it's all wasted. In that case, it's a better deal to simply stay home, enjoy myself, and watch a good movie. Without stupid snacks, but maybe with a good protein shake or similar instead. :) I hope it makes sense.  
02 Feb 14 by member: kingkeld
It's an interesting concept, but certainly sound. 
02 Feb 14 by member: Draglist
Take care ... this too shall pass (perhaps not quickly enough but it will). 
02 Feb 14 by member: madaboutmoose
I know a huge load just lifted off of your shoulders. The worry of your wife and daughter not being approved in time (if something should happen) added to the heavy burden in your heart already. It is so scary having the thoughts of them getting deported because of something like a loss of income, or needing financial aid. When my soon-to-be hubby came over to the states from England, I went through the stress, too. This was around the time the horrible "911" happened. I panicked thinking they would toss any alien in the country out on their ear. We married immediately and began the long proceedings and had to be interviewed, etc. Thank goodness he was granted full residency & his green card ... which, however only lasts about 1O years. We are now thinking he should bite the bullet and go for citizenship. It costs more money to apply for another resident green card. I ramble on ... this is your journal. Get some help. You have the one worry off your mind now, even though it has already put a strain on you. You will shake that off, eventually. Take one day at a time, Keld. Happy you are still on sick leave. Bless your heart. I have been in horrible work situations where I couldn't quit. I had to go in every day though and tough it out. Eventually, it gets to be too much and another door will open ... as they say. Hang in there.  
02 Feb 14 by member: Mom2Boxers
So glad to hear about the permits for your wife and daughter. That is one stress off of your mind. I was thinking about your heart situation and how great it is for you to be so much more healthy than years ago, so if you do have to go for that surgery, your body is soooo much more able to rebound from surgery. Thank god you are taking care of your health and glad to hear you are on leave from work. F**k him is right - just take care of yourself! Have a great day! 
02 Feb 14 by member: Lynn1958
Well done for your wife and daughter. Glad for that. Now to your health. 
03 Feb 14 by member: Helewis
TOO MUCH! That is some serious overload of life stress! I am glad some things are getting resolved and some are moving in that direction! My heart goes out to you and your family for being strong and holding together through LIFE's aches and pains! I receive great benefit from your journals. I learn something new everytime. I appreciate the effort this all takes. I hope you are receiving the benefit of the unload from this journaling as well. I noticed the breaks in your paragraphs--which I hope is okay--it says a lot about your clarity already. Be well. Peace to you. 
03 Feb 14 by member: ALKJ

     
 

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