Snowwhite100's Journal, 15 March 2021

I have no idea why my settings changed so FS members couldn't see my journals. I've been Intermittent Fasting from 16 hours to 18 hours a day and having 1 to 2 meals a day but I'm not losing any faster. Until today my husband has continued being supportive of not only my grief over my sister's death but the problem that arose with her 2 sons and their wives taking care of my sister's house and belongings. He only was upset with me twice in three weeks, until today when he threatened to shoot me under circumstances I would like to explain This will be complaints and whining from here on so any of you not interested in those things can quit now. I agree I should go somewhere else to air my frustrations as a very disparaging private message told me, but I guarantee you these upsetting things affect my eating, health, sleeping, and weight gain. I slept 3 hours last night and 4 the night before. It's after 1:30 am now so I see this will go in for tomorrow.

I told the particular nephew that I was having contact with, 3 times in different conversations that I wanted them to take everything they wanted from my sister's (a hoarder) belongings before I went to look at anything I would want and that I was willing to pay whatever they wanted for what I took since otherwise, they would be selling it. The idea of me paying was always turned down. He said after 3 weeks of them working on the house, to pick a day in the next couple of weeks to go to see what I wanted of her "stuff" because in 1 month he would have an estate sale, and already had someone in a hurry to rent the house. I kept saying I don't want to go until they take what they want. Then out of the clear blue, he called me Wednesday and said to come the next day to get what I wanted because they were having an estate sale Friday and Saturday and then the things would probably be gone. He also said to bring a 42' semi. Now I knew he was teasing about the size of the truck, but when he said the other part, I thought the words he said MEANT what the words said: “Come tomorrow and get what you want because the following day, Friday and Saturday we are having an estate sale and the things will probably be gone.” I suppose now looking back on the fiasco that happened maybe he said come and “look” at what I wanted, but if that were the case why would he have said to bring a big truck, and that the following day the things would be gone. All 4 of them are so frustrated at spending 3 weeks just cleaning out the trash and paperwork, that they want this whole thing to be OVER.

I did not rent a truck Thursday but we just drove our car because first I am afraid to drive a big truck and my husband said he wouldn't, plus I didn't know what large things were available to us, and I quickly found trucks are very expensive. There were a number of things I knew were originally there that I would have like to have but didn't know what was left. There was only 1 thing my husband wanted: a humungous 11' wall unit china cabinet in 5 pieces. I wasn't interested in it because I already had (given to us free) a
fancy gorgeous 7' x 7' china cabinet and matching TV cabinet that I estimate would cost retail now about $10,000. The new one is cheaper, plain, too big, but dark wood and more refined. The only reason we even had a wall for it, was because of a flood in our house and we took a wall out between the living room and a bedroom. My "1/2 car full" was including 2 boxes of her photo albums that they didn't want because they didn't know the relatives back east, and a box of old dirty hats that I didn't want either. What I took for me making up the "1/2 car full" was a crystal dish my mother had purchased for me 55 years ago, and Mom apologized to me that she couldn't get it away from my sister. I took a 70-year-old broken waffle iron that was my mother's, and I had used it for years in my home until my sister took it from me. I took 2 lamps, when new, she told me, was about $250. each. Unfortunately, my sister cheated and lied and used my resale number to buy them without telling me so she could get stuff wholesale plus not pay sales tax. I guess she didn't care if I went to jail as long as she could get her purchases cheaper. I took 2 clocks, one a nice dome one, and a cute cheap but charming one, a paper mache doll again with my stolen resale number, a Jesus Ascension statue, a big Bible with a stand, a toaster oven, her everyday stainless flatware which included 4 dinner forks and 2 salad forks, Christmas plaques about 14” tall that my sister had painted, two 14” x 14” boxes of small “stuff,” like a 70-year-old 1/2 shell of an abalone, a pressed glass "Birds" dish, and 2 small oval dishes that were my mothers, a couple of lawn ornaments, plus a very small side table of my mothers. Again I offered to pay for the things. They were making a list of the bigger things I would like, and I thought they were making the list because of course I couldn't take any large things in my car, and so they wouldn't sell them at their sale, which ended up starting on Saturday. They finally said my husband was upset at me taking so much and that he said he might get a divorce. Funny, as we drove home together he never said a word about the things I took or at home, he never said anything negative about them either. He really liked the lamps and especially the clocks. He fiddled with the one we both liked best with a lady on the front for an hour or so, but it doesn't work, only the cheap plastic pendulum goes back and forth very fast and makes noise. That dome clock may have been $100. or $150. depending on whenever she got it, or used my resale number.

One nephew kept insisting if we got a truck for the next day to move the cabinet my husband wanted, it needed to be a 26' truck that was 10' tall so the cabinet could stand up, and I said I was afraid to drive it. Then the two of them kept talking about trying to figure out if they could have a truck available since one has a trucking business (buying the business from the other one) to move the cabinet for my husband, and the one that has the business now said to wait and I'll call you back tonight. When we got home and I unloaded the car, I started calling people that could drive a big truck. It wasn't so big that you needed a higher grade license but I was afraid. He didn't call and the next morning I finally called him and he said yes a 10” would do and we could lay the cabinet pieces down. My husband was yelling at me to go ahead and find the U-Haul truck that was available for that day. I was a mess with the waiting, then not finding anyone to drive it, and him yelling at me until I finally found one. I was crying with emotion since the day before had been so stressful, going to my sister's and even seeing where they had to scrape her body off the wood floor. We picked up the truck which he drove even though he had originally said no, and I drove my car so I could get perhaps the entry mirror, the fountain, a small chair, and a small fold-down table she had painted on top.

Here is where things really went south. As the guys were loading the cabinet in the truck, I learned 3 of them were very unhappy with me taking the best of the smaller stuff, but no one had said anything about it the day before as I was collecting the things. I had absolutely no idea they hadn't taken what they wanted yet. Nobody told me (the day before) as I was gathering it and putting it in my car. It had been 3 ½ weeks since they found the body and the 4 of them had been there working almost every day, and I had repeated so often I didn't want to take anything or even go there until after they took. I guess they just watched me look over some of her belongings for 3 hours or something, and fuming but not speaking up. They were making a written list of the big things I would like, and put okay next to most but not on 2 or 3, in case a couple of the grandchildren that hadn't come yet would want them. I knew the one wife had taken her diamond rings the first day for her 2 sons, but they said they had been working so hard they didn't have time to pick what they wanted. Since my sister had moved a lot of her things to Virginia I couldn't tell what was left there and what was gone. One wife said to me 3 times that I had taken in my car “the whole house” and that I was “just like my sister” (wanting to have more and more “stuff”). The other wife said I took the best and most expensive “stuff”. Of course, I did, I thought they had taken what they wanted. I wasn't surprised to see her fancy Victorian things were still there because neither of them has that kind of styling. I had no idea that I was making trouble. The cabinet for my husband was loaded, then asked if I would like the (scuffed/faded) kitchen table and chairs. After talking to the gals and apologizing I was crying, offering to pay for the things, telling them I had no idea that hadn't taken anything. They said they had been working so hard for 3 weeks they hadn't had time to pick out what they wanted. We were there 5 hours, it was 4 pm, I hadn't had anything to eat, and my husband only a croissant. I had taken a big picnic lunch for all 6 of us but they didn't want any so I didn't want to eat in front of them. I think maybe each took turns and went out to eat. I offered to bring the things back or pay for them. They kept saying no, just go ahead and keep them. I was very sad, my husband was anxious to leave. They never said anything about any of the other things on the list and I didn't ask. Any of them would have been better than the old kitchen table. What I was so upset about was the loss of a relationship and their bad feelings. I felt stupid and worthless and left crying.

There was absolutely no problem between my husband and me either day. But I was so upset by their resentment, those items turned to ashes in my mouth. I hardly slept, got up at 6 and packed the car by myself, and took back about 2/3 of what I had taken. I was so upset it took me twice as long to drive there, I got lost twice. I am deteriorating. When I got there it went poorly of course and was negative and awkward. I know they didn't like it. They were very busy with the sale, it looked like 20 or 30 cars in the street. The driveway was full of tables and there was nowhere to park so I just pulled ½ way in the drive and unloaded. I went and hugged each one and told them I loved them. I wanted to take the item back right away so they could have the opportunity to sell them while the sale was on. I went inside to the wife that was pricing things and said I brought some things back that needed to be priced and she said she couldn't leave the house. I tried to talk to her and she said not now. The one nephew was telling me the things I did wrong, and I just kept saying louder and still louder I'm sorry. I was getting hysterical, but just said those words “I'm sorry”, probably 6 times in the end. They'll probably say I was making a scene in front of the shoppers. Probably I made things worse, but I just couldn't handle keeping so much of what they said I was wrong to take. Then the nephew said it wasn't what I took but it was the way I did it, and what did I think the list they were making was for. I thought it was to keep track of the bigger things I wanted, that they didn't want to sell those things. He thought it was a wish list along with all the other family members. Should I mention, the verbal one that lived with me for one summer before his mother gave him away is a millionaire with 9 homes free and clear. He lives in 3 of them and rents 6. His brother that's buying the trucking business from him just bought his wife a brand new car, a Toyota I think the top of the line, she talks about the heated seats. He plans on being a millionaire also with this thriving business. No wonder they don't want to bother with all her junk. He is the one that never said anything negative to me. I know being there at the house is very hard for him, trying to run the business and take care of the house of a hoarder too. He and his wife did go camping a few days during this time. He did have a small heart attack several years ago. What a mess this all is, with everyone grieving and so much work to do. With my back so bad I haven't been of any help to them other than calling relatives. My Narcissistic sister had a bad relationship with each and every one of us.

Now today when my husband tried to get into the cupboard under the stairs to get to the back of the electrical that's not working for the lighting in his “new” cabinet, he couldn't get into the cupboard because it was full of “emergency supply” food, and boxes of magazines. He got so mad he put all my magazines in the trash that's going out tonight and said he is going to throwing away all my books also. He said if I bring “one” thing into the house that isn't groceries he will shoot me. After dinner, I asked for an electrical plug since he had taken mine and he didn't have one. I asked (which I shouldn't have) if I buy one or a tube of lipstick, would he shoot me, and should I go to the police and get a restraining order? He went ballistic screaming at me, then said to do anything I wanted but don't cry when he throws my stuff out. I did not take one magazine out of the trash. No matter how stupid some of you think I am, I will not leave an 85-year old that can't get along without me, unless he hits me. He is still physically active. He was a carpenter and has always done all our electrical and plumbing, even when building an addition. He was supervisor over all of the trades when he worked for the Dept. of Water and Power. The idea of me starting over or making a new life for myself (at his physical cost) is beyond my thinking. I'll be 80 this year, with a bad painful back. I can't imagine moving out and leaving him. I know all these ruminations aren't important, but the relationships are important. My husband believed me that I did not take things back with any resentment. They were just a reminder of their bad feelings toward me. I kept a few of the things: 1 clock that didn't work, 1 lamp, 1 very small oval dish of mom's, mother's little table, and mom's abalone shell. I kept the partial knife and fork set and 1 lawn ornament, and 1/2 the costume jewelry, of which 2 bracelets were I knew were mom's because I've had the matching earrings for 50 years. I even took back the crystal pedestal dish my mother bought for me, the toaster oven, the box of dirty hats, 1 box of small stuff, lawn ornaments, and a "2 step" stool to climb into a high bed. I say to myself it is enough even though she had thousands of things. I know this means I will not get any of the other things I wanted that they will sell for pennies on the dollar but relationships are more important. It seems I have irrevocably ruined those. The resentment in the voices of 3 of them breaks my heart. Tomorrow or later I will address the issue of our daughter which the nephew had so much to say about. My husband did not even give me 1 day to try to sell my 7' x 7' fancy china cabinet and matching TV cabinet worth about $2,000. used. Now I have a plain monster 11' foot long "thing", and he's talking shooting me. In defense of him I should admit that even though the magazines were not laying around anywhere in the house, he did go in the attic and found Christmas decorations on the landing in his way, that I had left there because my back was hurting so bad I hadn't dragged some of them into the back of the attic. Yes, I have too much stuff for most people, but I love it. I was so upset with his furor I didn't go to bed till 4 am. I'm a mess.

125.0 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 12.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.