Arnica's Journal, 14 March 2008

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Day 131

Well, finally it is here. I set myself a goal within a goal 12 weeks ago. I'll be flying back home in 5 days for the first time in two years. I was really nervous about it as first, as my family is that typical in your face comment kind of people. I knew it would be tough to reach my goal, but I kept to it. I wanted to feel more self confident before I left. I didn't want to feel like this absolutely obese fat chick going back home. People can be so critical, and it's really hard sometimes to be boxed and judged this way.

I did it. With 5 days to spare, and 0.5 kg's lighter than my goal. I'm impressed. I still can't really believe I did it . . . I should be patting myself on the back and feeling really good about this. And I am happy. But I also know I still have a long road to travel. And in a way that is ok, too.

I've basically lost a third of my total goal weight. And it's taken about 6 months to do that. Which means next year this time, I should be just about at my goal weight, if I can keep up this pace and this discipline. I have slipped up often over the past few months. But there were also days on end, that I went with no slip ups and doing more exercise than I intended to.

Where am I physically? I feel so much better. I'm lighter. It's easier to do basic things like just move around and walk around and go places etc. I don't fear going out so much as I used to. I have so much more energy. I've being doing more things with my kid and even traveling that usually left me exhausted is really so much more enjoyable and easier. I look better. I've dropped two sizes in 6 months. And during the past two weeks I've bought a whole lot of new summer clothes and thrown away a lot of old huge clothes. It was so liberating. It felt fantastic knowing that If I really focus on it, I'm never going to be that size again.

When I was shopping for new clothes I instinctively choose more colourful stuff. I've been hiding for so many years. And what hides you better than fat? Nothing really. And what goes perfectly with that is black and dark browns. And shapeless stuff. No more depresing clothes. I love black and I always will like it. But I found myself looking at the brighter colours I had chosen and holding it up against my skin and my hair and realising it looks nice. Colours that I always thought didn't suite me actually works for me.

I suppose I've filtered a lot of the emotional stuff into the above, too. Can't really seperate it from the physical. But if I had to compare and do a kind of a evaluation of where I am right now . . . I think Physical wins at the moment. I feel much better physically than I do emotionally. Not that emotionally is BAD - it's just - I still feel fat. And I know there is still work to do. And I know I can do it.

I guess as I loose the rest, I'll slowly start getting my confidence back. Or so I hope.

Looking forward in some ways to going home. Looking forward to sunshine and getting a tan and being on the beach. I'll be back in about 3 - 4 weeks. I send you all strength and love.