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Confession time. This a very hard topic for me to write about, but I NEED to do it. Please be gentle with me.
Ok, so it's no secret that I have issues with food. I always have. I'm a binge eater sometimes, emotional eater other times, and for about the last 3 months or so...I've been eating barely 600 cals. Now, i don't do this every day. Basically it was only during the week. What happens is, on the weekends, I stuff my face and usually gain 3 lbs, then coem monday I restrict my cals to about 600-800 cals. So I lose the regained 3 lbs and then my 2 lbs a week goal. Well, it stopped working like that about a month or so ago. Maybe even before that. If I was completely honest, i would say I have been eating like this on and off since I started school.
I would punsich myself for the fact that I would let myself eat whatever i wanted on the weekends. At first it wasn't a big deal....then it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then Valentines day, and it was getting worse and worse. Sometimes I wouldn't eat until dinner and then maybe 500 cals. =(
I feel so out of control in so many aspects of my like, controlling my food is ONE thing I CAN control. I can punish myself if I've eaten too much.
I'm writing this because I know other people out there do this. I know prob some of you do this and don't tell anyone. I didn't. I sorta eluded to it, but NEVER came out and said it to anyone in my real life. One person my MFP knows how bad I have been struggling, because she understands the 'feelings' one faces with this, as I'm sure alot of you do too. I don't want anyone to feel like they're alone. I have and still do sometimes, but I'm trying to freaking hard to stop this cycle.
Last week I really started trying to get my cals to at least 800-900 and over the weekend, i was OVER 1000 and actually LOST the 2 lbs I gained while only eating 600-700 cals. Today my scale said 265. I was so freaking proud of myself. I made it through one weekend without gaining any weight OR totally going over on my cals. Fri-Sat-Sun all averaged about 1000-1200 cals. I know it might not seem like a big deal to some, but it IS to me.
I have a love hate relationship with food. As I do myself I guess. I WILL overcome this. I WILL make myself better. The only person who can do this is me.
My Gf asked me yesterday if I was falling back into my depression, and I looked at her and said with total honesty....I've never come completely OUT of my depression. After I made that statement, I stopped and really LOOKED at what I was doing to myself. I'm running away again. I'm not dealing with what has me upset, stressed out and just feeling out of control. i need to regain my balance. School is only going to get harder so I need to find my balance with that, my dad isn't going anywhere so I need to learn to cope with that and my relationship will always have ups and downs. It doesn't mean I'm screwing everything up or everything is my fault, it simply means dawn needs to take a deep breath and just do what she can. the world won't end if I can't cook 5 wonderful dinners a night because I have homework, or if I have to lock myself away and let them fend for themselves because I need to study. EVERYTHING ISN'T MY FAULT.
I need to remind myself of that ALL the time.
Anyway, I needed to come clean about all fo this. My hair is falling out, I look like crap and I can't sleep. I'm HURTING MYSELF and that is unacceptable.
Bloggong for me has always been cathartic. I'm hoping it still is.
Thank you for reading.
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 Comments
Wow... thank you for sharing something so personal. I do hope you get through this. I haven't experienced this myself but my heart hurts for you. Is there someone at school you can talk to? A counselor? This sounds like a serious problem. I will keep you in prayer.
05 Mar 12 by member: IdaMarie78
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You are a smart girl and you have come a long way on your journey..Its not over.. but you just made some big progress.. You are difinately on the right track..and I am rooting for you.
05 Mar 12 by member: Carolyn Ray
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See, you came clean, AND nothing bad happened! It's OK to be human, and have human experiences. I'm gonna second Carolyn's remark - 'you're a smart girl', and add that your introspective skills are great - you realize you're developing an eating disorder, and you're reining in the craziness. You aren't deluding yourself with excuses, and you're taking responsibility for your actions. You ARE in control; if not of the situation, then at least you're in control of your response to the situation. Excellent, insightful remarks. Stop hurting yourself, indeed. Look what happened when you stopped punishing yourself, and starving your body - it rewarded you, and you felt proud. Now that's positive reinforcement. I hope the positive momentum and good vibes continue!
05 Mar 12 by member: Care Vee
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OMG....You have outstanding willpower to only have 600-800 calories a day during the week. Harness that willpower and get some consistency in your daily nutrition. Your body needs consistency and when it doesn't get it, you get change. The best advice in my opinion you can get is to eat 1500 calories everyday, weekday or weekend. You will lose weight and at the same time be feeding your body consistently with the daily nutrition it needs. If you have the willpower to eat 600-800 calories during the week, then I would bet you have the willpower to eat only 1500 calories each day on the weekends. Your body is a wreck because there is no consistency in your eating habits, it doesn't take an expert to figure that out. Don't punish yourself if you eat a little more or a little less everyday. You are on the right track, just keep your eye on the prize, good nutrition daily and moderation when necessary and your body will thrive and be thankful.
05 Mar 12 by member: tbone26
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The first and hardest step is always admitting you have a problem and you've done that. Now all that's left is moving forward! You are a smart and caring woman and I know you will work through this and start living a much healthier life. Thank you so much for sharing your story and hopefully others will read this and realize they are not alone! Keep up th
05 Mar 12 by member: diddoh
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I'm so glad to hear you're making such good progress. You're right, I didn't know you were going down that path, but I am so glad you've taken a step to change to a way of eating that will be healthier for you. Regardless of how you're doing, I'm here with you!
05 Mar 12 by member: BrandyRelaxing
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Girl, I'm so glad you had a little moment of clarity when it comes to realizing what is important: You! You are absolutely correct, finding ways to deal with your enviornment and how to function within it without hurting yourself is so VERY important. I think anyone who's had a long term weight problem has had to deal with an eating disorder on some level (myself included). The point is- you recognized it for what it was and you're working positively to correct it. NEVER BE AFRAID TO SEEK HELP!! Sometimes you just can't do it all and it's just impossible, so just reach out a hand and be glad for the support when it's given and don't beat yourself up for accepting it. By the way- I've had severe clinical depression since I was 15 (likely earlier). 18 years later, I've learned it never really goes away. It abates and you develop better coping skills, but if you've got an imbalance like I do- it's not really, 'curable.' You just learn to accept things, not to hurt yourself, and to counteract the negative things/problems with positive thought as often as you can. My dad had a mantra growing up when I had panic issues: I'm OK, you're OK, we are all OK. Even if it's not OK, it is so simple, it just works for me. Hang in there honey- just keep trying and hoping for the best and you can't really go wrong.
06 Mar 12 by member: QuirkyNat
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Thank you so much everyone! Sometimes I need to remind myself that it IS ok to open up and share what is inside. That is the only way to face your issues and work on healing. Thank you so much for reading this.
06 Mar 12 by member: HerStrawberri
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