Missychick21's Journal, 22 October 2011

Missy, my heart just aches for you when I read this entry of yours. I wish there were some magic words I could write to take all the fear away. But what I hear through this entry is a supremely devoted, loving mother who wants the very best she can do for her kids. If I heard that through this one little entry, just think how much love must be coming through to your kids on an everyday basis! Ultimately, that's what's important to those kids....having a stable parent who's there, involved, and showering them with time and unconditional love and setting up a strong example of what it means to be a moral, kind, respectful, and responsible resident in this world. You show that example to your kids every single day and in everything you do. It doesn't take a big home or fancy anything to do that. The fact that you're agonizing over possibly failing your kids is the proof that you never will. Stay strong.  

In addition to what Sandy said, please remember that your medical problems may be causing you to have a flood of hormones - and I hope in a couple of days your mood won't be so dark. Try to think positive for yourself and your family. I also think when you get these medical issues resolved you will be feeling a whole lot better about yourself and your abilities as a parent.  

PS - and I think it is great that you feel free to use this journal as you see fit. Sometime just getting the feelings out will make us feel better.  

Thank you guys for being so nice and understanding, I am just trying to have the energy to ignore the cramping and pain and keep busy trying to get the housework done which I fail at every time. I'm having a hard time just not crying today, I know I think way too much about what I am doing wrong... 

Please do keep a complete journal of this past week to take to the doctor with you. Enough is enough already - you need to get better ASAP!  

Missy, you love your children, you give them all you have. What more can you do! You are doing the right thing and they know, they feel it. You can't make others do what they don't want to do and how your children turn out doesn't depend on them. I had to raise my children on my own, everything depended on me. So, I know how you feel. And still, keep on going, make the best out of the moment, think positive. Things will change like everything changes in life. Believe in it and go for it.  

Statistics like this scare me even more...just something I ran across a few minutes ago. I know there are many other factors that play part but still... • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes • 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes • 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes • 70% of youths in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes. • 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. 

Buffy- I can't even talk to the doctor again until Monday and that's if they even answer. They haven't even scheduled the ultrasound yet...  

I was just so stunned when my daughter told my neighbor...well my neighbors daughter, that she didn't even have a Daddy. She knows who he is but I guess since he doesn't want to come around more than 1 day a month then she basically figures she doesn't have one :( I just don't want them to think that they aren't wanted or loved... 

Missy - I meant when you do get in make sure they really know what you have been going through! As for the statistics, don't look at statistics for fatherless homes - look for results of children from homes with loving caring Mothers. When you look at your son do you honestly see a rapist! Do you picture your daughter in prison? The president of the United States came from a broken home. Reflect on the positive.  

Don't go down that road....I'd bet that there are many, many other risk factors in those "fatherless" homes, as well. You write that you know there are other factors involved - BELIEVE THAT! There are! Fathers are important in the lives of their children but their presence, or absence, does not automatically seal the fate of their kids, for better or for worse. There are many, many successful, well-adjusted kids coming out of single parent homes, without a father's presence. Having an uninterested, reluctant, uncaring father can be worse than having no father in the family home. Kids, with some assistance from you, can find other appropriate, caring, male role models in the fathers of their friends, youth counselors, teachers, Scout and church youth leaders, coaches, etc. Your children are not doomed to undesireable paths simply because they're growing up without their biological father being involved and/or because you are unmarried. Far from it....  

Buffy- I have told them most everything so far but I will be sure to express my emotional issues, I haven't felt this low in a long time... Of course I don't see a rapist in my son or my daughter in prison, but I am sure my mother didn't see trouble makers with her kids either (no rapists, just for the record) but 2 of my brothers burned down a school and so much drugs and on and on :( I am the only one who stayed out of trouble for the most part and I am the youngest of 6 kids. All of us raised pretty much without our fathers... I am thankful for how my mother raised me and I love her very much but why are my siblings so different and do such bad things? We were all raised by the same loving woman... 

Funny thing, I had a cousin who burned down a school.  

Yea it was their elementary school while they were students 

Whether thru school, church, work or community - look for women, 'Moms' that you can instinctively pick up on - that seem to naturally model the parenting style you can admire. Reach out to them. Set a play date for the kids. Have them over for coffee. Ask if you can email them, or call, when you feel like you are needing a sounding board. Have a few 'mentors' in this department (motherhood/parenting) is one of the best ways for you to build your own confidence! And feel like you have a support system and safety net in place. What you don't know...you can learn. Don't let FEAR grip you... let it motivate you to make sure your kids are in the 10% SUCCESS GROUP of kids raised by a single mother!!! You might be young..but so what? You can do this! I just know you can climb your way out of this or any situation. Sometimes, we just need a hand to reach out to - There are lots of folks here supporting you... and I am sure there could be some in your community, if you start looking for them. 

Missy - In addition to President Obama - Here are 3 stories of successful men raised without fathers - "Alexander Haig, Jr. - Former White House Chief of Staff and Secretary of State, Alexander Haig is said to be associated with the right wing. Yet, people who know him more closely, say that he is quite moderate and down-to-earth. In his book ‘Caveat’, he mentions that military power and economic strength are important for a country but a peaceful world full of human values, social justice and human genius is the ultimate goal of America. Born in the suburbs of Philadelphia on December 2, 1924, Alexander helped his mother to make both ends meet, ever since his father died at the time when he was 10 years old. He started with delivering newspapers, worked for the post office and a refinery and as a store floorwalker. In 1969, he became the Brigadier general and in 1981, he became the 59th US Secretary of State. Despite all the struggles that he had to go through, Haig insists that his boyhood was quite normal. "Ed Bradley - CBSTV News Correspondent and co-editor of ‘ 60 Minutes’, Ed Bradley has won an Emmy award. Born on June 22, 1941 in Philadelphia, Bradley's parents separated soon after his birth. His father owned a business in Detroit and his mother worked as a waitress and could only do enough to make ends meet. In his childhood, Ed used to fo to his Dad’s place for summers and for the rest of the year, he used to live with his mother and attended Roman Catholic schools. Bradley had one motto that he firmly believed in - You can be anything you want. In 1959, Bradley befriended George Woods at Cheyney State College, who was a disc jockey for the Philadelphia radio station WDAS FM." Known for his impressive interviews, Bradley was give his first chance to announce a minute of news by Woods. He was so nervous that he forgot to vary his pitch and add nuances. Later, Woods announced him to be a ‘Monotone’. Undaunted by his first attempt, Bradley became hooked on broadcasting and started working as an unpaid disc jockey and news reporter at WDAS. He taught for a while after graduating from college in 1964 but later earned a job at WDAS by covering the Philadelphia race riots for 48 hours. In 1967, he landed a job at CBS radio in New York, became a stringer for CBS's Paris bureau and went to Southeast Asia for 18 months where he was wounded in Cambodia." "Rickey Henderson - The star baseball player is known for his speed, powerful shots, high average and sharp batting eye. Ricky Henderson is reputed as the ‘guy who keeps pitchers awake all night’. His childlike personality is as famed as his athletic skills and he simply loves children. He talks with young spectators, before, after or even during games and has handed out broken bats to children as souvenirs. Rickey was born on Christmas Day in 1958 in Chicago, Illinois. His mother Bobbie Henderson was a nurse and his father was a truck driver. Just a few months after his birth, his father abandoned the family and his mother moved to her parents in Pine Bluff, Arkansas with her eight children. With the help of the grandparents, his mother worked hard to provide for all of them. They moved to Oakland later. As young as eight years of age, Rickey was already a local phenomenon in baseball. A's star outfielder, Reggie Jackson, was Rickey’s first idol. In 1976, Henderson was selected by the A's. His mother urged him to not to give in to the temptations of numerous football scholarships he was being offered and stick to baseball and got him signed with the Oakland Athletics. In 1984, he joined the New York Yankees for a five-year contract that was reportedly worth $8.6 million." "Tom Cruise - One of the most famous, successful and highest paid actors of Hollywood, Tom Cruise was born as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV on July 3, 1962. When he was 11, his parents got divorced and his mom took her four children to her hometown, Louisville, KY. There she struggled hard to gain financial stability including selling appliances and hosting electronics conventions. In 1986, they were going through such financial crisis that Mapothers wrote poems and read them to each other as gifts for Christmas because they couldn’t afford anything else. Apart from divorce and move, Tom and his sisters also had to deal with dyslexia. Cruise had difficulty in making new friends and attended special remedial classes." Missy - I can keep sending stuff like this to you all day long. 

The only people I have seemed to meet so far are into some not so good things and I don't want my children around that :( My friends that have children live an hour away and I have no vehicle to travel. I am very new to this town and don't know anyone here. I know I need to find someone around here to talk to but I just haven't yet... 

So, in the meantime, we'll all step in here until you do. After a move, it does take a while, but it will happen for you. 

I sure hope so Sandy, I lived in the last town for 10 years now I am starting from scratch without anyone I know here besides my boyfriend... 

I agree with Sandy, and until the right connections start getting made, HERE is a great alternative! But keep your eyes open to people you might meet at the school (the nurse, a secretary, another parent) or even at the kids Dr.'s offices, or look for some kind of younger Mom's support groups in the paper - see if it is close enough to walk to, bus, or expensive cab ride. (not sure if you're in the city or country.) I'm sure you will begin to meet new people..and being careful about the ones you get the wrong vibes from...that's a good thing! Let your instincts guide you -especially w/ strangers. We're here for you!!