madaboutmoose's Journal, 17 September 2011

Good Saturday All!!!

206 this morning.

Woke up early, 4 am not feeling well. Head. An opportunity to load up on meds and go back to bed after Blue ran around in the dark to do his business.

Up again later. Breakfast done. Made hubby sausage patties, hashbrowns, an over easy egg. Made myself a strawberry/banana smoothie. Brewed a fresh pot on coffee on the stove. Did the dishes.

It is a little overcast today, slight breeze blowing, cool outside. Fall is most definitely in the air.

I completed my 24 hour 'positive' challenge yesterday. I must say I did quite well. It was a little challenging a few times ... early in the morning when I recorded my weight and during the commutes ... listening to my hubby "talk" (that is code for rant!! LOL!!!) about current news items (~:!! However, I was able to "listen" and not engage in the emotions of feeling "down" about the news items.

Didn't do too much last night except have dinner (hamburger patty, cottage cheese, cucumber/tomato/red onion salad with balsamic vinaigrette)and we watched two episodes of The Glades and a ridiculous movie ... The Hot Tub Time Machine! Read briefly in bed and that was it. A good Friday night.

Today I think we are going to cut some wood and maybe go play bingo tonight. We haven't been in quite a while. It is fun.

One of my friend's posted a question on my journal yesterday, asking if stating we weighed "X" number of pounds or stated something in the present tense that hasn't happened yet ... if that was being "in denial."

I don't think it is denial. I think it is setting a goal. My acting "as if" ... by repeating it to ourselves, being mindful we place ourselves in the position to see opportunities, change behaviors, channel our energies positively instead of negatively. I don't think it is "magic" and all that is necessary is for us to "name it and claim it" and suddenly we wake up one morning at our goal weight. I'm not an expert on the brain but I know enough about how our brains work to know that indeed their are actual changes that occur in our brains and throughout our bodies as we think, imagine, visualize. It is why things like visualization, meditation, EMDR, and many other things work!!

I can only speak for myself ... but I know that I have spent an inordinate amount of time throughout my life being overly "mindful" about what I want that I think I can't have, being frustrated about the numbers on my scale, focused on foods that are not healthy for me, feeling deprived, feeling badly about myself, thinking I am not good enough, convinced inside I'll never be at goal weight, feeling stuck, feeling hopeless, and on and on and on. So ... if I am obsessed by those things ... what impact does that have on my day-to-day life? Hmmm ... let me think ... could it be anything good?

I have had brief periods of my life when I have practiced being more positive and can tell you honestly it reaped bountiful results. However, some of my "positive" periods have been overly dependent on an external locus of control. Dependent on what "good" was happening outside of me rather than on an "internal locus of control" ... what I was generating. When I was at goal weight before ... in my range ... I was in one of those positive times. Eating more calories and actually losing weight. Not obsessing about every single calorie. Mindful but relaxed.

I have no clear idea yet "how" I am going to achieve some of the things you read listed on my journal (just for clarification purposes ... I am stating goals in the present tense ... while some of them actually are "true" right now ... some of them have not yet materialized). I am not going to worry about "how" ... I am simply exercising my brain, my spirit, my emotions, the whole of me on the path I desire.

And so you read ...

I am strong and tall.
I am long and lean.
I weigh 180 lbs.
I sleep well.
I am a non-smoker.
I crave healthy foods.
I am satisfied with healthy foods.
I nourish my body when it is hungry.
I earn $100,000.00 a year.
I manage a foundation titled "Random Acts of Kindness."
I have funds in my bank account to pay for a two week vacation in Mexico in February 2012.
I own a vacation home abroad.
I am financially stable.
I am organized and efficient.
I plan and follow through on my plans.
I write well.
People pay me for my expertise.
I handle conflict calmly.
I am an expert in my field.
I facilitate workshops in the field of reflective practice and there are waiting lists for registration.
My wood shed is full.
I am kind to myself.
I take care of myself.
I am smart.
I am capable.
I write and make money.
I love my body!!
I like myself!!!
Health and harmony reign throughout my mind and my body.
What I want ... wants me!!!

I know ... the list is long. Sorry guys!!! Self therapy ya know!!!

This really fits well with practicing kindness and gratefulness ... and indeed this morning I am grateful.

1. A nice cool day to cut some wood!!
2. 24 hours of practicing "positive" ... and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it might be.
3. Weathering my husband's few "down" days ... being able to NOT take it personally and NOT let it rule my own emotions ... and seeing he appears to be surfacing again. It really does work best to let him work out his own stuff. For both him and me!!!
4. For better sleep.
5. For feeling calm about my body, my weight, my clothes ... and realizing that doing so does NOT mean I have "given up" or that I am content to be the weight I am right in this moment.

I am so appreciative of this place to write and think. It has been so much fun for me to make new friends. It is odd. I have known for a very long time I write well ... and yet ... other than writing reports for work (which by the way only makes me my hourly wage and not many people read them!!!) ... and I have NEVER done much of anything to work towards actually writing something I could earn money from. Hmmm ... lack of focus? Lack of belief? Lack of discipline?

Anyway I can see that I just keep going on and on. Just in that space this morning I guess!!! It is like my brain and my heart have begun to wake up from a deep sleep. I feel alive. I feel like me. I like me!!! It is much easier to practice kindness to myself when I like myself. I highly recommend it!!

Oh my ... can you believe hubby and I are actually having a conversation about "what the risks are" in sending off for "money back guaranteed" business opportunities advertised on the internet?? A calm, reasonable discussion. See ... I am learning!!!

I'll let y'all go now ... have a wonderful weekend!!! Love you all!!!

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365 kcal

Fat: 14.97g | Prot: 26.17g | Carb: 30.28g.   Breakfast: Oikos Plain 0% nonfat yogurt, strawberry, Barleans Flax Oil, Silk Almond Milk, banana, Body Fortress Whey Protein Powder. more...