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Today seems to be a weird day. Yesterday I felt like a mess. Today I started out feeling ok but than I started to feel lousy, and now I feel like a mess with peace. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. It was really encouraging to see the comments people shared, showing me love. I felt really honored and humbled by it.
I know I've been in a period of waiting for some time now. I have trouble waiting, I get anxious. There have been a number of changes recently and I know there is something I am supposed to do, but I don't know yet what it is. I can feel that G-d has been preparing my heart for something. It has taken a lot of being broken down, which I hate. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling dependent and vulnerable. It really scares me. Though I think now I finally feel surrender. I am NOT giving up, but I've realized that my life is not my own, it's His.
I knew I would have to come to this for a while now, but was afraid to do so. I was afraid to feel vulnerable, so I chose by default to feel depressed and empty instead. Yet unwittingly here I am. This is not the first time I've felt this way. That kind of helps. I think it's only the second time, but I remember what happened before and that is really encouraging.
It was a little after I came to faith but before I got married. At the time I had a serious crush on a friend of mine who is a Believer. It was His faith in G-d that in large part enamored him to me, but I knew I didn't stand a chance with him. In fact at that time in my life people kept telling me that I wasn't ready for a relationship with any guy and my friend, who had recently come out of a relationship, began saying that he was finally content to be single. As I said I had recently come to faith so I was convicted that I could no longer flirt with my friend. I knew this would be really hard so I prayed instead that G-d would take my crush away, that I wouldn't have such strong feelings for my friend and I could just be content being his friend. That was the first prayer I ever prayed in faith, and I know G-d answered it because He basically told me that He wasn't going to do that. I felt really crushed but I knew I wanted to honor G-d with the relationship I had with this friend so I committed myself to not flirt with him no matter how much I liked him. That's when I felt it for the first time. This feeling of surrender. It's not a passive feeling, but it's one of being willing to completely submit to G-d no matter what the cost. That's what I feel now.
I am curious what will happen. The cliche is true, G-d works in mysterious ways. I don't have a clue what's happening, but I know G-d is at work. (By the way, that incident I described above happened November 2005. That friend that I had a crush on married me a month later; we've been married almost 6 years now. :) )
Diet Calendar Entries for 09 September 2011:
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1731 kcal
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Fat: 57.58g | Prot: 137.89g | Carb: 185.43g.
Breakfast: apple chicken salad 2, arnold nutty grain, hot wheat cereal, raisins, oscar mayer turkey sausage, banana. Lunch: almonds, cabot cheddar, tuna chicken of the sea. Dinner: bun ga nuong (Grilled chicken and vermicelli salad), Sriracha glazed chicken 2. Snacks/Other: kefir, raisin granola, tomato, almonds, navel orange. more...
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1927 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 30 minutes, Resting - 16 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 7 hours. more...
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