HerStrawberri's Journal, 14 July 2011

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***Beware, lots of emotional venting***

This is the first day I have felt semi-normal. I've had the migraine from hell. I have also gained 2 lbs. I know it's because I haven't been eating alot and when i do, it's really spread out. I usually eat every 2 hrs. Not the past few days. I'm hoping I can get things back to normal today. I'm not recording that gain. I prob should, but I'm not. I'm also having *issues* with going to the bathroom so I popped some laxitives.

My mom will be here this evening and I'm very excited she is coming. This is the first time she has ever come to our apartment. We have lived here for almost 4 years. She says her reason for not coming up here is because we don't have any kids. My sis and bro have kids, so she visits them. We always have to go THERE if we want to see her. Not fair really. But it is what it is. I'm not as close to her as my sis is. I just don't have to be all up in everyones biz like my sis. She talks to my mom like 5 times a day. I'm just not like that and never have been. I guess I have always been the 'black sheep'. Not at first. I was my parents *great acheivement*. Or I WAS until i dropped out of college to persue other things. ( BIG misatake. That is one thing I regreat) I have lots of baggage from my childhood and those are things I need to get over...and I'm working on it. Anyway, not going to get into all of that. ( I bet you all are secretly saying YAY) =)

This visit should be nice. We are still going to the water park on saturday then going to my sis's house. She lives in ILL, right by the small town where we grew up. So that will be nice. I love to see how things change. Hopefully my migraine will stay away. I know it's still there, but at least it's hanging out in the back round. I just need to make sure I eat today and all weekend.

I don't really feel anything about the weight gain. I wanted to be below 220 and that didn't happen. Oh well. I will get there when i get there. I know I'm NOT cheating and keeping my cals and carbs within my targets so it will even itself out. I'm going to have bday cake this weekend and not care about the cals or sugar. ( hopefully)

I'm going to wear my swimsuit with pride on saturday and not care what others think. I'm even going to try to not wear a tshirt over my suit. I love the sun and the water and I have to STOP letting my anxiety run my life. yes I will be prob crapping my pants when i first get there, but it's NOT going to kill me. I will BE OK.

Sorry this journal is all over the place. I have alot on my mind. I just want my mom to see me and notice a loss. I know it prob sounds so stupid. And really...it IS. I'm a grown ass women and I shouldn't need ANYONE to validate my weight loss except ME. But sometimes, inside....I'm the painfully shy little chubby girl who just wants her parents to say 'you're beautiful' instead of 'you would be pretty if you would just lose weight' or 'you're going to be wearing garbage bags soon as they won't have clothes big enough to fit you'. ( that last one will haunt me forever. =( )

Why is it, things that are said to you when you are little stay with you forever? I can remember those things like they happened yesterday. I can feel the emotions like they were yesterday. It's so messed up. I know have to let them go. I need to NOT give them the power to upset me. I need to overcome all of the CRAP in order for me to be whole and for my heart to heal. Even if I loose 200 lbs...if I don't fix this.....it won't matter. i will still be fat and i will prob gain all the weight back. Blah.

Again, I'm sorry for the randomness.

Diet Calendar Entries for 14 July 2011:

1393 kcal

Fat: 89.71g | Prot: 110.87g | Carb: 28.19g. Breakfast: IMPRL DELIGHT QTRS, Extra Large Eggs. Lunch: Ground Beef Sirloin, Heinz Ketchup, Mayonnaise, Ground Beef Sirloin. Dinner: IMPRL DELIGHT QTRS, Egg, Chicken Breast. Snacks/Other: Light & Fit Carb and Sugar Control Yogurt - Strawberry, day break apple crisp bar. more...

3554 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments

I just know in my heart that you are going to be a weighloss success story, in fact you already are! Your grasp of emotional stuff, being able to recognize it, purge it in your journal, learn from it, all of these are awesome....I love when you said that you will get there when you get there. Things do even themselves out when you work the program on most meals. I am so freaking proud of you! I am also encouraged by you. I have been away from fatsecret for 20 days but you were the first person I wanted to read about. Thanks for sharing yourself with me. Enjoy your trip, the water park, the cake or not, and I hope and pray that your family enjoys you! (I am sure they do, I just hope that you feel it) Cara

14 Jul 11 by member: Wicked Step Monster

Lol!! Love the disclaimer at the top! ;) Oh, and I found your two pounds ---> "I'm also having *issues* with going to the bathroom". It is funny how parental judgement affects us as adults. I remember my mother getting onto me at 16 about being "inconsiderate". Today, I go out of my way (more than I should) to help and consider others, and get miffed when someone is being inconsiderate to me or someone I love since it was my measuring stick. Have a friend whose stepmom used to make him repeat his tasks until they passed her inspection. He reveres her for helping him to "do it right" while most people just think he's OCD. For another friend it was much worse (venomous verbal abuse given to her as a child) and thank God she knows it wasn't her fault or she'd be a walking wreck. It happens to everyone, the thing is to not let it define you. That's your job. Have a great day!! ;) ♥

14 Jul 11 by member: nolechick

"I'm going to wear my swimsuit with pride on saturday and not care what others think. I'm even going to try to not wear a tshirt over my suit." THIS is HUGE... Strawberri I am so proud of you!!!! Who cares what others think??? Your partner thinks you are beautiful, you know all the hard work you are doing... so screw everyone else. Enjoy your visit with your mom and don't worry about that 2 pounds it is probably risidual from the migrain and not eating properly... no worries it will go away soon...

14 Jul 11 by member: pixidaisy

It sounds like you and I are going through the same emotional issues. As of recently, my anxiety has pretty much gone out of control to the point it is borderline paralizing. I love how you said you are going to wear your bathing suit with pride on Saturday. Work it girl! That's an excellent starting place for getting over your anxiety. I also completely understand how the insecurities from your childhood still creep around nowadays and make life miserable. Now is a better chance than any to change them, right? Anytime you need to vent to someone, I'm here for you girly! xxoo

14 Jul 11 by member: Jpsfunkymojo

You go girl!! You can do it!! You can be so proud of the weight you have already lost, and know that if you keep going strong, you will get to your goal, just keep it up!! :)

14 Jul 11 by member: Desserrie

Thank you so much Cara! I never thought someone would actually WANT to read all my stupid stuff i write about. This journal, for me, helps me get all the 'yucky' stuff out. Stuff I have held inside for MANY years. I feel so stupid talking it with my partner, sometimes unless you suffer from the same thing...people don't understand your feelings and emotions and they get frustrated becuz they just want to fix it...and they can't. That's what happening with my partner. Don't get me wrong, I'm loved, very much in fact.....but it's nice to get this stuff out to people who at least understand even if they don't have the same issues. Thank you so much for the wonderful words. I'm glad you came back to FS!! I just re-read your bio and laughed at the end when you said one of your reasons for getting healthy was better sex. =) LOL...love the honesty. My family will never change. I think it's up to me to change the way they TREAT me. And I'm working on it. Thank you again!