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a lot has happened... it isnt all good.
I am grieving. not because someone had died but because i have lost someone, someone who i thought loved me but it turns out was just leading me on for 3 YEARS! many of the people who know me here can probably hazard a guess to who this is. well they are gone now and i need to get over it, but my body is grieving i feel sick and lifeless i do not want to eat, not eating has felt strangely empowering! this worries me a great deal.
I am obsessive, not about everything but i get stuck in cycles of obsession like for example only eating things in 3's or having my cubboard a certain way. I noticed today that i was getting obsessive about food i had an overwhelming urge to make all my food for the week. put it in bags put them neatly in the fridge (of my kitchen that looks like a bombsite, weird how that works messy room, tidy mind) I became concious of the need and have fought to make sure that the meal plan is healthy and decent sized but it scares me that that was the urge i got and i had to really fight to make the food a normal size not something small because my grief stricken body doesnt want food, just wants to lie in bed and weep! I know many of you have real problems and this may seem stupid to write but this person i imagined getting married to, i spoke to him everyday about everything and now, now he is gone.
anyway yes need to keep an eye on this food thing need to make sure it doesnt get bad, i feel even more worried about it now that i hang out with an ex anorexic i kind of worry shes going to rub off on me. is that mean? shes my best friend here and i couldn't not hang out with her but im worried thats where the idea for this food obsession came, it subconciously came from her or something she's done. I know i dont want to starve myself and i never could i enjoy food, but right now i cant taste anything and feel sick when i eat so i worry that the cycle will get worse.
this all prob sounds rambly i cant sleep and im worried.
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I know exactly how you feel. Felt that way lately, too. If you need to talk, I'm here. Don't worry too much about the food thing. Yet. I think it's part of what happens when we grieve like that. Right now, you're probably so down that food isn't enjoyable. If you start to get more worried about the food thing, look for help. You know better. Find a counselor or something. I am really sorry that you are having to go through this, I know how much pain you must be in right now. <3<3<3 Hang in there, beautiful!
06 Mar 11 by member: Starladesiree
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There's nothing that makes your problems any less "real" than anyone else's. Love is a risk that comes with big consequences when you give your heart to someone who does not treat it with the respect and caring your deserve. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad and devastated- that's just human. I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened. I think a lot of women have been through relationships that end in painful ways- I know I have. Three years is a long time, but thankfully it didn't go on any longer. The sooner to heal yourself, which takes time, and move on. As far as the eating thing, i understand that also and I think that the one time in my life I did go through a very bad period with eating too little it was brought about by a break up also. I agree that you should watch out for it. Don't allow his actions damage you any further. Make the choice to respect and heal your body and mind by eating nutritious food you need. Maybe you eat more lightly, but perhaps this would be a good time to try to eat by plan, with a minimum number of calories to not go below. Again, so sorry to hear you're going through this. Sharing and asking for help is a great step.
06 Mar 11 by member: k8yk
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