|
Looking back over my official weigh ins I am noticing that my weight has been at or below 150lb for the whole year so far. The last time I weighed more than that was early December 2013, so yay! 2014 marks a new average for me. :)
Despite this, I still feel a little deflated and it's hard for me to accept and appreciate this progress because feelings of frustration and inadequacy in other areas are distracting me. :(
I guess what I am saying is that I recognize that my feelings don't line up with what is true, but I am somewhat reluctant to fight the self deception because I know it's not easy and I realize I feel weak. I guess I'm afraid to see that proven undeniable. There's a dysfunctional comfort in complacency, the illusion that I * could * do better, I just don't feel like trying. Futility is somewhat terrifying---at least for a recovering control freak like me it is.
One of the great things about working as a teacher is that in order to be effective, you MUST understand your material well. I believe Albert Einstein was credited for stating, "If you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it." So it seems appropriate that most of my time as a VBS teacher was spent highlighting the belt of truth and the necessity for holding fast to it. Truth is the first compromise made, the first field of battle in the war between good and evil. Once a person is willing to forsake the truth, they are much more vulnerable to a whole host of other vices because they have abandoned objective reasoning for subjective relativism.
I am beginning to realize that though I am not who I thought I'd become when I was younger, though I don't often like things about me, who I am and what I am meant to do will be more readily resolved and clear when I focus less on my merits and flaws and more on Who made me. I hate feeling clueless and inept, but if that's me in the moment, there's still more to my life than that. For anyone who may be feeling similarly dissatisfied or frustrated (and as a reminder to myself) I leave these words:
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. [ Following Paul’s Example ] All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."
(Philippians 3:13-15 NIV, emphasis mine)
|