Jamaica4god's Journal, 10 February 2011

Anyone else have trouble getting past the emotional part of this journey?

I harbor so much guilt around the food I want to eat. Even if I don't eat it, the insane cravings make me feel guilty. It's not healthy to feel that way any more than it is to eat the bad stuff in the first place. I'm not sure how to get past the obsessive part. The desperate need to see things happen, versus the insane physical cravings for certain things. It's like an internal battle. And even though I have the will power to say no, the very few rare times that I do say yes are completely ruined by the guilt.

I'm a grown woman. I should be able to make decisions and be okay with them. Eating should not be labeled "cheating" or "guilty". Does that seem wrong to anyone else??

Even when I get to the point when my body just can't move another minute. My muscles are weak, twitching and firing like fireworks going off inside, but I feel crazy guilty because my body is weaker than my mind. That is not healthy. I cannot maintain this lifestyle with these kinds of feelings going on. I know myself. If something doesn't give, when the "challenge" and "goals" are met, what will there be to keep me maintaining? I should not feel guilty because a disorder is keeping me from doing all my mind wants to do. I can be pissed off every once in a while about it, but guilty??

Grrr. Ok, done ranting.

It's so easy to tell other people how to love themselves and how to make it all better. Nurses are good at that. But we are the worst patients.

Update (it wouldn't let me make a new entry...)

So after all that ranting and raving I just did, a post of before and afters by a buddy caught my eye, and after staring at before and after photos of amazing accomplished people for 15 minutes, I feel so much better. It made me realize that at the beginning of this journey I was 220 pounds and now I am 195. I keep saying to myself, no, really!! I have seen people who have done this, and no matter how much my body and mind rebel against my efforts, I will not let go of this. I will "take the bull by the horns" and I will ride my full 8 seconds until I am satisfied with who I am. And if that is at 149lbs or 129 lbs, I will get there in the time God allows me to. That's right. He gave me the strength when I didn't think I had any left, and He will keep right keepin on, all I have to do is trust.

And on that very inspired and positive note, I wanna ay good night and I'm sorry for the insane rant earlier. Thanks for being inspiring!!


I and I think the majority of woman feel the same way you just described. Thank you for sharing. I hate knowing I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life,all the woman in my family do. I am on the smaller side of alot of them as is my mom but we have been on a diet our whole lives. I too was 220 at my highest and then got stuck at 183 for the longest time and now am stuck in the 150's since about May. I too feel guilty every time I eat something I really enjoy. It is good to see you giving this up to God- WE are not strong enought to do it on our own. Good luck! 
11 Feb 11 by member: orion6


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