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Schtupid emotions!!! I started to make a collage of my weight loss journey so far (upon Moonlite's lovely idea!), and as I started to scroll through old pictures from January, I felt so disgusted and sick to my stomach, I just wanted to cry!!! Did I actually look like THAT??!! OMG! I looked so old! And so big!! How come I didn't see that?? How come I haven't seen that?? How come no one TOLD me that?? My friends or my family?? I just feel so horribly sad...I can't go through with the picture-assembling.
(Yeah, I know I should not be dwelling on where I started from, but how far I have come...but I can't help but feel so revulsed and sad!).
Perception is such a delusion & illusion, isn't it?? Like those pyschology experiments, or like those hollywood movies (Truman Show or Matrix), you may be living in a whole altered sense of reality that is based on YOUR PERCEPTION---and that may be actually quite far removed from the reality!!
And then, when your eyes open, and your perception changes to the other perspective, could you be anything but shocked and horrified??!
Based on the fuzzy lack of correlation between perception and reality 6 months ago, how I can feel confident about what today really is like?? What if I think I look good now--but it's all a mere illusion?? Just a relative improvement?
Sorry, I went clothes' shopping today, and it had many highs and lows!!
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UPDATE
I have recovered from my doldrums, you guys! I wanted to delete this whole journal today to erase this downer, but I am actually going to leave it in. I think it's an important part of my journey to remind myself of these mixed emotions that occur, the confusion, the self-flaggelations...and the ultimate recovery from it all, thanks to the wonderful support of good friends!
Here's the rundown of meals etc.
Weight: .2 gained this morning
MEals: Tried to be more vigilant in counting carbs, and have managed to stay around 30, AND keep my points right on target!! Did a good job at making good choices.
Breakfast: kashi cereal and soy milk (3 pts; 22 g of carbs!!)
Snacks (through my 6-hour shopping trip): almonds (4 pts; 2 g carbs)
1 atkins breakfast bar (3 pts; 2 g of carbs)
Early dinner: Subway salad (all veggies, skipped the sub, all salad dressings etc., and had only salt and pepper!! Feel proud of myself!) (2 pts for cheese; 0 carbs)
Snacks: smoked gouda (2 pts; 0 carbs)
almonds (2 pts; 1 carb)
atkins bar (3 pts; 2 carbs)
1 part skim mozz string cheese (2 pts; 0 carbs)
coffee with cream (1 pt; 0 carbs)
late night after-run protein mix and soy milk (2 pts; 3carbs)
Total: 24 pts; 32 carbs!!!)
TODAY CAN COUNT AS A PERFECT MODEL DAY FOR A FORMULA TO ACHIEVE THE TRICKY BALANCE OF JUGGLING PTS AND CARBS!!!
Exercise: I finally went at 11.45 pm and did a solid walk/run day 2 of my week 1 of C25k program. Burned 282 k (more than usual), 35 mins; 4 level; 3.7 mph for walking; 4.8 mph for running). I was sweating a lot!
water: at least 3 liters
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 Comments
Ok, that really makes me very upset. Pictures only capture a tiny, tiny fraction of the human being they represent. Six months ago, were you a sour, hateful, glum, horrible person? I DON'T THINK SO! You were still the loving, educated, bubbly, fun, supportive, nurturing person you are now! So don't you dare feel revulsion and disgust for that person from 6 months ago! One of the hardest things to do, I find, is to love ourselves NO MATTER OUR SIZE! At some point, I hope you can look at the old pictures and remember positive things about that time in your life. So you weren't eating as well and exercising as much back then. That's no reason to completely block out WHO you were and what a wonderful person you were... and still are!
13 Sep 08 by member: amryk
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amryk said it all! Be happy at whatever weight you are! You are a beautiful person NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH! TODAY is all you have, and it is REAL! Rejoice in it! And be happy! Hope you found some great clothes! (((((HUGS))))) :)
13 Sep 08 by member: mbhpro
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Thanks a lot, guys! I am touched by your caring and your lovely sentiments! After my initial shock at seeing those old pictures, I have had some time to recover, and am fine now--not sad any more. Yeah, today is all we have, and why ruin it?! I've snapped out of it!! Thank you so much for indulging my melt-down and pulling me out of it!! Love y'all!
13 Sep 08 by member: 08willbegreat
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It was a picture of my back (that big roll under the bra) that sent me over the edge! Last Christmas is when it was taken. Now, I had realized it was time earlier BUT I hadn't come to the decision it was THAT day! So, Jan. 10th I started this journey & after we decide to do this the pictures are memories & something to remind us that we don't want to go back there. Be proud & show off what you have accomplished by looking at the past. Remember it is the PAST!!! The future is BRIGHT!
13 Sep 08 by member: pretty face
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pretty face, that's EXACTLY what I thought when I just now returned from the gym...When I can bring myself to look at those pictures again, I want to keep them in sight, to be able to see the unhealthy place I came from, and to remind me to not go there again! This approach does sound a little punitive, but still, it's better to remind ourselves the truth rather than burying it out of sight! Thanks for sharing!
13 Sep 08 by member: 08willbegreat
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So glad that you have made peace with the pictures. You should feel proud that you are such a wonderful person that your friends and family didn't see the weight, but saw you. Believe me, if you have nothing but physical beauty to offer the world other people, even the ones who supposedly love you the most, will tell you if you are not delivering. But if you have interior beauty working for you, people may temporarily notice the wrapper you come in but will soon forget about it. I weigh well over 200 pounds, but everyone I know insists that I am not fat. Well, duh, the facts speak for themselves, yes, I am fat, but I honsetly think that the people who know me love me so much that they don't/didn't see it. Now that I have lost enough weight to actually look a little different they seem surprised by the fact that I had that much to lose! I hope you continue on your path of being happy with who you are--and don't blame your larger self, you started on this journey exactly when you were supposed to and when you were emotionally/mentally able. Until you were really ready any efforts would have been fruitless, and your body, in it's wisdom, knew that.
14 Sep 08 by member: Simille
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wow, simille! What a wise thing to say!! And I can't believe, how amazing you all are!! Such wonderful perspectives and words that reach right to my heart!!! I am blessed to have met you all!
14 Sep 08 by member: 08willbegreat
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I can appreciate where you are at as I've been feeling much the same. For me it was the tape measure that brought on the self loathing. I was feeling proud of the lbs I've lost and then decided to measure as I've not done it before. Then the horror and the wondering of how other people see me and questioning why I should be proud when I evidently am still FAT. Its amazing that every time I start trying to get my head round a particular issue someone on FS is having the same thoughts. Reading all the posts is very comforting and reassuring too that I'm not the idiot my head thinks I am. Have a good day everyone, feel beautiful and hold your head up high.
14 Sep 08 by member: flaxseed
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Aw, Amee... I certainly never meant to upset you and feel quite bad now. But I can relate to your feelings, as every time I've tried to put photo's together of my own progress... tears HAVE rolled. So I'm really sorry, as I should have warned you that this could be quite emotional but thought that it was only me... I will remember that for future reference!! I know I spent about 10 years looking as I did and do feel that I wasted a very important part of my life dwelling on being unhappy about how I looked. What's important here though is that we initiated change and those transformations are happening... slowly but surely we become a new person, but don't really see it visually until we compare to how we did look. I'm learning to let go of how I feel about those "old" photo's.... I wasn't happy, but underneath was still the same person. You were too and no-one would have seen you any differently because you were the Amee that people still loved. So don't dwell on them... but use them as a benchmark for the wonderful progress that you have made! Look forward knowing that you are doing everything possible to give yourself the best future in life. So be proud of how far you've come and use it as the motivation to keep going. That's what I've always tried to do. Hugs to you my friend and have a fabulous rest of your weekend. xx
14 Sep 08 by member: MoonLite
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Looking back at old pictures surprises me - I have some on facebook where I'm obviously heavier than I am now.. and part of me wants to take them off. Go find yourself an old piece of clothing that used to be tight and now is too big. My rainpants that I couldn't even wear a 1.5 years ago, now fall off. That always cheers me up. You are doing great.
14 Sep 08 by member: Amarok
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You must all be very brave because there are no picture of me whatsoever, apart from the odd head in a group wedding piccy or a family get together. Its lovely seeing all the photos on here, but everyone looks so slim and beautiful. I'm just comforting myself that they are all "after" picture. Don't anyone dare to tell me they are all "before" ones or I shall go into a decline and have a hormonal cry!
14 Sep 08 by member: flaxseed
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For the most part, we create our own reality. Our perception IS the reality for US. That is why a room full of people can watch the same events unfold and have completely different stories and perspectives to report. Or someone who is living in utter poverty can have greater self esteem and happiness than the multi-millionaire. We CHOOSE to see the glass half empty or half full. We are living in our own little Matrix every day of our lives, not realizing that we are the ones in control! Reality - one of the most indefinable concepts out there.
14 Sep 08 by member: evelyn64
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Very deep, Evelyn...so true. Wise advice. Amee, I'm glad those negative feelings have passed. Thank you for sharing. Great job w/the running! A lot of sweat is always a good sign. Keep up the good work!
14 Sep 08 by member: JulieC
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Highs and lows of shopping...focus on the highs and see how you can turn your 'lows' to a high.
14 Sep 08 by member: JulieC
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oh wow! I had no idea that losing so much weight would make a person feel BAD about who they used to be! I am gonna go and hug amryk! She said it so perfectly! WE'll call that a BLANKET COMMENT for us! We put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, obviously A LOT more than we should!
14 Sep 08 by member: BadAndee
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