cerobit's Journal, 20 April 2013

The anti- nausea meds that I take during chemo week still are exerting their control. Feeling pretty backed up. Really need to get more weed and maYBE psyllium. Used to eat loads of fiber/day, so this high fat diet plus drugs has me feeling foreign.

Plus my relationship issues too. Talked more w/ DW. She is a molestation survivor, and just now admitted that she has never gotten sexual pleasure from me. And now just feels like a friend too me. no desire at all. Prolly expect that b/c I've constantly dissapointed her by being tardy and not exactly neat and tidy.She is livid w. me b/c of such, But its still devastating to me.

I crave giving pleasure, to feel really intimate when I give my lover an earth shaking orgasm and nearly get suffocated by her legs clamping around my head. The high frequency shivers that start with intensity and fade to occasional muscular jerks. I've gone down on my wife twice in 10 years, not counting more when we were dating, when she withheld her disgust with such sex activity.

She has a compelling need to be in control and have things just so. I am more fluid, creative and generally flexible.We knew these qualities b/f marrying. I love and desire her in spite of all her faults, etc.

I just don't know. I want to help w/ her molestation f/x. But Time is limited for me. Do I want to live like this for my remaining few years? We are in individual counseling now and attend retrovaille (intensive couples marriage retreat) in june, but i just don't know.

I came clean to her about my faults while we were dating, why did she allow these same annoyances fester to the breaking point? And now I am in the dreaded "friend" stage. Great. What a life to look forward to. Doesn't matter to her, she doesn't need or want sex. An occasional self-dildo-ing to help her fall asleep fills the need for her.

I am selling all my stuff. tools, boat, car, art, sciencey gear. and more. All that is me, it seems.keeping hand drums tho. make it so i am more pleasing to her. also so my life is more simple so i can concentrate on my son. and be ready to move if it comes to that.

for TGDG:

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

---

1218 kcal

Fat: 104.95g | Prot: 58.52g | Carb: 18.06g.   Breakfast: Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Land O' Lakes heavy whipping cream. Lunch: Trader Joe's Jarlsberg Cheese, Brazil Nuts, Hebrew National Beef Salami. Dinner: Trader Joe's Marinated Mozzarella Balls, Planters Cocktail Peanuts. more...

2996 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Calisthenics (heavy, e.g. pushups) - 18 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 42 minutes, Sleeping - 11 hours. more...