|
I went and had pictures taken of me today - the first pictures I've had taken since I lost as much weight as I have. My eating wasn't so hot today - I did not technically overeat. I ate about 2000 calories. I made this incredible sugar free lemon cake with sugar free frosting, and I was weak, and I ate like 3 servings of it today. Normally I wouldn't say this, but worth every bite. I never indulge myself like that, and it felt really good. I know I can't make this a habit if I want to continue to lose weight, but I figure I will take it easy the rest of the weekend and on Monday I will be more strict about 1500 calories.
I went to the gym tonight and did the elliptical, abs, free weights, and I ran one mile at 4.1 mph. I am actually glad I didn't run further, though I could have. I could really feel even that .1 of a mile faster. The treadmill had a little extra get up and go. I have a rule, though, which has helped me get as far as I have. When I achieve something physically, I NEVER go backward. I did that on distance - once I could run .25 of a mile, I never ran less than a quarter mile again. Once I got to a mile, I never ran less than a mile again. And so on and so forth until I got up to 3.2 miles. Now that I'm at 3.2 miles, I feel it's okay now to do intervals for speed. But now I am determined not to back down on speed. Now that I have run a mile at 4.1, I can never turn the speed back down to 4.0 again. Now it has to be 4.1, no matter if I'm running a mile or 3.2 miles. I am really firm on that. Never go backward. Stay the same or push harder.
I spent the day with my cousin, who struggles with food and exercise issues. She has always been a big girl, but she has gone through periods that she has been INCREDIBLY fit. She was training for a half marathon and she actually was running like 9 miles at a time. She was the one that always pushed me to run a 5K and I felt like I never could and it was so easy for her. She even went through a period when she was on Jenny Craig and lost nearly 30 pounds. She hasn't been following through with her food and exercise for a long time, though. She's probably heavier than I was at my heaviest. And she can't even run a mile right now, let alone a 5K. She was taking my pictures and telling me how good I looked, and then she was complaining how fat she looks in her family pictures and how her husband and kids are more attractive than she is. I posted before here how she thinks her ass is "double sized". She calls herself fat and unattractive all the time. I didn't argue with her today. I know I probably should have, but I just didn't have the strength to address that battle. And I'm not sure my arguing with her about her self image is what she needs. I don't know what she needs to feel better about herself. I know I felt that way before this year, I felt terrible about myself and I thought about how fat and unattractive I was all the time, for years. I also know that I am far from being "done". I weigh 169 pounds and I am 5'4", and there is a lot of room for improvement. However, I am done hating myself. I look a lot better than I did, I look nice, I wish certain areas were smaller or more toned, but damnit, I am addressing that, and I can't let my life continue to be on hold while I try to be perfect. I accept myself the way I am, but I am not done with my quest to be better. I am never going to call myself names and beat myself up verbally about my size or shape anymore. I'm done. I don't care how much weight I gain back, I don't think I will hate myself anymore. I intend to do my best to continue to make forward progress with my food and exercise, and at least from this year, my best is pretty damn good.
I don't understand people like my cousin, who seemed to make the connection before in the past, but now is like lost at sea with her food issues and her reluctance to exercise. I have a new friend that works with my cousin, and she is heavier, and she has food issues and exercise issues and smokes. Just like me, 10 months ago. She asked me if I would walk with her and I agreed, and she is now dragging her feet about it. I don't blame her. I was the exact same way. I smoked cigarettes in the car on the way to the gym, worked out, and then immediately lit up back in the car on the way home. I wouldn't get out and walk my dog, let alone do physical activity that broke a sweat. I have been like this most of my adult life. I have another friend who is a guy and struggles with food and exercise issues, and he is getting very, very overweight and is totally depressed about it. I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him, like walk with him or talk about food with him, and he said no, he just had to do it himself.
I don't know what to do to help my friends. I can't push them or nag them. I can't be all self righteous that I have made the connection, that it is working for me right now. I can't expect them to want to exercise with me, or make better food choices. I can't do anything except be healthy for me and be supportive of them. I am so willing to do anything they need. Walk with them or work out at the gym with them. Talk about depression and food triggers. Go to the grocery store with them and help them buy healthy food. Help clean out their kitchen. Turn them on to Fat Secret. I would do anything I could to help my friends and my cousin. But I can't do it for them. And it's sad sometimes to see how much they struggle, because I struggle, too. I am just determined to help myself. I don't do it all alone, I have support from my other friends, and I have support from Fat Secret. I also have, believe it or not, a lot of support from my coworkers at work. That has been VERY helpful.
Anyway, my point in all of this is that I really feel like with my food and exercise issues, and my smoking, I am like a newly sober alcoholic. I am really familiar with recovery principles, and I feel like what I've been through with food and body issues is like the horrible, scarred history of someone that has battled addiction demons their whole life. I guess if I was in the "Program", I wouldn't be allowed to "sponsor" someone until I had a year sober. I guess come January 20, 2013, I will have a year sober from overeating and no exercise. So I don't know. I can't present myself as some guru, even though I would love to be a weight loss counselor for a living. Maybe someday. I would just like to be able to help people with this as I've been helped, and I would like to start with the people around me who still suffer.
Diet Calendar Entry for 09 November 2012:
|
2007 kcal
|
Fat: 98.11g | Prot: 53.83g | Carb: 297.39g.
Breakfast: Pillsbury sugar free chocolate frosting, Pillsbury sugar free yellow cake mix. Lunch: pita bread, Sabra Hummus, feta cheese, balsamic vinaigrette, romaine lettuce, cucumber, black olives, tomato, broccoli, croutons, chicken. Snacks/Other: reduced fat string cheese, Sabra hummus, baby carrots, Atkins endulge nutty fudge brownie. more...
|
|