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Health and Health Scares
Yesterday I had irregular heartbeat after eating lunch. This made me think a lot about all the little physical things that bother me about being obese. And about dying young. My father died at 42 from a cancer that often claims alcoholics that smoke. And let me tell you - that is a shitty thing to do to your child. My son is 4 and autistic and will need to live with me maybe even his whole adult life, we don't know. So dying young is not an option.
I was 15 when my father died - and I went from having one deeply flawed parent who loved me, to having one parent who obviously favoured my younger (thinner) siblings. I think most teenagers have that little voice in their heads telling them that they aren't good enough - my inner voice happened to be driving me to the school bus stop every AM. I have a lot of anger towards my mother. She STILL belittles me. And I'm not sure if she will be part of my life when I finally get my head on straight. She's killed any love that I had for her. Can you divorce your mother?
I'm trying to think of all the pissy little issues that bother me that are from my weight. I think this will help to remind me what really stinks about being obese. I don't know what being thin feels like (yet) - but I sure do know a lot about being fat!
1. No haircut really looks good on me - and I HATE all the mirrors in the salon
2. Double chins!
3. Sleep apnea.
4. The rash I get in the fat roll on the back of my neck.
5. Neck pain, back pain, hip pain, knee pain, foot pain.
6. The weird smell the comes from the roll where my c-section scar is after a long day (gross, I know!)
7. How I have to strain my back to take care of myself after the restroom - (some of you will know what I mean)
8. Embarrassing sweating.
9. Embarrassing breathlessness.
10. Varicose veins.
11. Foot calluses - feet too wide for pretty shoes. Toes too neglected for sandals.
12. Chaffing - God, do I hate inner thigh CHAFFING!!
13. Clothes look awful! And I secretly love clothes.
14. Boys think they are entitled to make comments about my size. Little do they know how close I am to snapping. They should be SCARED.
15. My boss doesn't teat me the same as my thinner coworkers.
16. I'm too tired for ANYTHING!
17. Chairs don't fit. Ever have to worry if the chair will go with you when you get up? I do!
You know what? Every area of my life is being effected by obesity. And it's never for the best. I'm just sick of it. SICK SICK SICK. I'm in a dark place this week - and I just want the fat to go! I'm sure my outlook will be brighter soon.
As for now.....
I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!
Diet Calendar Entry for 11 September 2012:
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1775 kcal
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Fat: 114.19g | Prot: 152.44g | Carb: 52.99g.
Breakfast: splenda, cream, coffee, ham, cheddar, mushrooms, spinach, green onion, Egg. Lunch: Oil Vinegar Dressing, salad, soy sauce, balsamic, olive oil, basa. Dinner: Oil & vinegar , romaine, basa. Snacks/Other: Atkins bar, Advantage bar, havarti. more...
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