madaboutmoose's Journal, 06 March 2014

Thursday and invoke up 30 minutes before my alarm at 4 am! Yikes! Decided to just get up.

So I had a bit of a surprise yesterday. My son is in the process of applying for his passport. He'll soon be 31 so of course he is doing this on his own. He sends me a text saying that he got a phone call from the State of Montana informing him they needed his birth fathers name in order to give him a birth certificate. My DH adopted him when he was young and his birth father was never even on his birth certificate when he was born. Oh my did that get my blood pumping. I have his birth certificate with my DH on it, the only dad he has ever had, some was confused and befuddled and more.

Turns out my son was confused. Later on when I talked to him he left "birth father" blank because he didn't understand his dad IS legally considered his birth father. Talk about things you assume others know. He's never needed his birth certificate and I never thought to explain that to him when he told me he was applying for a passport.

In the process my son tells me, Mom I hope this won't upset you but I have been curious about my birth father. It old him of course it didn't upset me, in fact I have always been surprised that he has never asked any questions about the circumstances of his birth. Once when he was probably 7, and I told him when he was older I'd tell him more (too young for the whole story then) but he never asked again. He replied, I didn't ask because I knew it was a taboo subject, that was very clear to me.

What???? All these years I've wondered why he never asked! It has NEVER been taboo. He has always known his dad adopted him. We have a picture of the three I'd us that hangs proudly in our home of his adoption day. DH and I both have been on the same page with this. A poingant reminder to me that the sense that children make of what they are told isn't necessarily what we as parents meant. Almost 31 years old, with a pretty open relationship, we talk about all kinds of sensitive topics, and he has thought all this time he couldn't ask me about his birth circumstances? Yikes!

So sometime in the near future I will be communicating to my grown son the story of how he came into this world. I actually don't remember his birth fathers name (first yes, last no). Maybe it will come to me. It wasn't really a relationship, more just one of those things. Maybe I wrote it down in a diary, that was almost 32 years ago.

I felt bad and temporarily doubted myself. What had I said? What did I do wrong?! Touched base with DH who assured me I had done nothing wrong and that our son had never asked him anything. I wonder if his sister (my stepdaughter) said something to him. She was ALWAYS asking me about private matters when she was young. And I clearly remember telling her it wasn't a discussion I was going to have with her, that all she needed to know was that her dad was also my sons dad and the only dad he has ever had, that I was not married before her dad. Other private matters will go unmentioned here but suffice it to say my DD has never had good boundaries.

So no harm done I think. Rupture in relationships is inevitable, repair is optional. Repair is already underway with my son, I just never knew there was a rupture! Yes, and I'm the therapist! LOL! Right! At home I'm just a mom, a wife, and a daughter!

Weight is steady this week. No loss, no gain. To be expected I suppose with the dramatic losses I've had since January. I think we'd all just prefer to wake up one morning and find the extra pounds gone but that isn't how it works! There should be another "loss" soon. In the meantime I'll continue to do what is good for my body, mind, and spirit.

Well an hour has already slipped by since I woke up so I best be wrapping this up! I'm in a good place lately, despite the drama of others. I do miss some of my regular buddies being here and quickly remembered I too have had long absences on this site. Funny how attached I've become. Let's step forward into this day with love in our hearts, kindness towards ourselves, and ever mindful of the moments we have, rather than what might have been or might be

219.8 lb Lost so far: 39.4 lb.    Still to go: 34.8 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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552 kcal

Fat: 19.50g | Prot: 46.37g | Carb: 48.48g.   Lunch: Marketside Pico De Gallo (Mild), Egg, Chicken Breast Meat (Broilers or Fryers), Cottage Cheese (Lowfat 2% Milkfat). Dinner: Stouffer's Signature Classics Roast Turkey. Snacks/Other: International Delight Cold Stone Creamery Hot For Cookie Coffee Creamer. more...

3123 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Elliptical - 30 minutes, Resting - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 8 hours. more...