redwinelover's Journal, 08 January 2012

...and so the roller coaster makes it's way back UP the hill.

I'm telling you, my life is starting to make me feel as though I'm bipolar. The only reason I don't believe that's the case is the ups and downs are SO tied to exactly what's going on around here. So we're back on the upswing and I guess I'll just stop, take a breath, look around and enjoy what there is to enjoy for the moment. That WOULD be the sane thing to do, right? (see how I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity?!)

At the risk of sharing FAR too much information (and a totally different subject than above! lol), I knew I'd been walking around with far too much ... uh... waste? shall we say? I mean, for WEEKS now (since Thanksgiving) I've been feeling that way. And now? :D Feel like I've caught up to Christmas, at least! ewwww... sorry for sharing, but I'm telling you, my entire outlook is better. Actually I feel far less "toxic". I knew that was one of the reasons hiking was so hard on me last week. Okay, enough about poo.

The scale is my friend again today (duh...after what I've just shared) and now I'm at 134. Yep, I can see the 120's in a couple of weeks. Well, three if historical averages hold true (and I stick to diet and exercise). So that's four pounds and a bit of change over the last couple of weeks. Well, less time, actually. I think it's odd how just a couple of pounds can make such a difference in how I not only feel, but in how I look. Add four pounds and I definitely look like I'm on my way to being a little heavy. Now I look "normal" - not fat, not thin, almost on the heavier side, but not yet. And four less pounds makes the difference between that and being at a good weight, four less and I can put on most anything and feel good about it. Such narrow ranges! Who'd have thought such small differences could make such an impact? Well, not me, apparently!

So anyway, 9 lbs seems far less daunting to lose than 14 or 15. You know, that's not even the word I'm looking for. I know I can lose weight - it's not that. I think it has a lot more to do with the idea that I can still let myself spiral out of control to the point I regain 15 lbs... and quickly. So ... more of a disappointment with myself? And knowing I'm 9 lbs away from where I want to be, rather than 15- I'm less disappointed with myself?

Regardless, things are better on the home-front. A little. I'll TAKE it! ANY reprieve from the madness. My husband seems to feel a little better. Thank goodness, as yesterday he felt worse than the day before and that was after starting meds. Last night was peaceful here at home, it's a bright, sunny day today, we've had a lot of sleep (!) and we are now only 5 days away from the psychiatrist visit with my daughter. I know I'm putting maybe a little TOO much store in that visit, but I'm trying to view that as a jumping off point- a step in the right direction, hopefully some guidance as to where to turn. I don't think this guy "has all the answers", but I'm hoping for some professional opinions and some referrals. Hopefully.

So today? The sun is shining and I feel hopeful.